2014-04-08
Original: 2014-04-08 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Green alien (to a woman): Madame President! This device will end hunger, cure disease, share profound truth, and is so cheap every human can have one.
Woman (President): What's the problem?
Green alien: I see.
Panel 2:
Green alien: If you give it to us, it will at some point be used to erotically stimulate a human's anus.
President: What? Why?
Panel 3:
Green alien: Why does the wind blow? Why does the sun shine? Look. It's a small object.
President: What does size have to do with it?
Panel 4:
Green alien: It's a law of sociology. Any object smaller than a softball will at some point gently, yet firmly, wobble against a human anus. No exceptions.
Green alien: So, the pocket fusion reactor we --
President: No exceptions.
Panel 5:
Green alien: And the statue of Emperor Zorthak --
President: No exceptions.
Panel 6:
Green alien: We'd like our treaty of mutual assistance back.
President: No can do. I'm sitting on it.
Votey:
A small triangular character with a speech bubble says: "Say, you look pretty small"
The small character (alarmed): RUN!
Green alien (to a woman): Madame President! This device will end hunger, cure disease, share profound truth, and is so cheap every human can have one.
Woman (President): What's the problem?
Green alien: I see.
Panel 2:
Green alien: If you give it to us, it will at some point be used to erotically stimulate a human's anus.
President: What? Why?
Panel 3:
Green alien: Why does the wind blow? Why does the sun shine? Look. It's a small object.
President: What does size have to do with it?
Panel 4:
Green alien: It's a law of sociology. Any object smaller than a softball will at some point gently, yet firmly, wobble against a human anus. No exceptions.
Green alien: So, the pocket fusion reactor we --
President: No exceptions.
Panel 5:
Green alien: And the statue of Emperor Zorthak --
President: No exceptions.
Panel 6:
Green alien: We'd like our treaty of mutual assistance back.
President: No can do. I'm sitting on it.
Votey:
A small triangular character with a speech bubble says: "Say, you look pretty small"
The small character (alarmed): RUN!
Alt text
A six-panel SMBC comic. Two green big-eyed aliens stand before a human woman who is the President. The lead alien offers her a device that will end hunger, cure disease, share profound truth, and is cheap enough for every human. The President asks what the problem is; the alien says "I see" and warns that if humans get it, the device will "at some point be used to erotically stimulate a human's anus." The startled President asks "What? Why?" The alien explains it is a law of sociology: any object smaller than a softball will eventually be wobbled against a human anus, no exceptions. He starts to mention exceptions -- a pocket fusion reactor, a statue of Emperor Zorthak -- and each time the President flatly repeats "No exceptions." Finally the aliens ask for their treaty of mutual assistance back, and the President says "No can do. I'm sitting on it," confirming the rule. Votey panel: a small triangular cartoon figure hears an offscreen voice say "Say, you look pretty small," and immediately shouts "RUN!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.