2014-04-03
Original: 2014-04-03 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (scientist, a Black man in a lab coat): I created the Vetuscope, a device for talking to the past.
Panel 2 (scientist, addressing a woman): I thought it'd sell well as a way to talk to long-dead relatives.
Scientist: Hello! Your great great great great great great great great grandfather!
Panel 3:
Scientist: But that turns out to not be so appealing. So, what are you into?
Woman: Horses.
Man: Me too! Also, Jew-killing.
Panel 4 (scientist):
Scientist: But this presented a new possibility.
Scientist (in thought/speech bubble): Behold! The self-esteem machine! Think, you're not as good as you could be? Try comparing yourself to people from centuries past!
Panel 5 (woman/customer):
Caption: I had many buyers.
Customer: I worry I'm a little racist.
Machine voice: Against which races? The colored races, or the inuit races, the godless races or white people?
Customer: I feel so much better.
Panel 6 (a Black customer):
Caption: Many buyers with many reasons.
Customer: I can't afford a trip to Japan.
Machine: My family's continued survival depended on a one-acre potato farm that I don't own.
Customer: I feel so much better.
Panel 7 (an angry man from the past):
Caption: The people of the past became resentful.
Past man: My great great great great grandpa? Watch him! I gorge on these plentiful, inexpensive calories!
Panel 8 (woman in the past, viewing a screen):
Machine: Watch how I decide to never reproduce.
Panel 9 (graph):
Caption: As the pre-Vetuscope people rebelled against the post-Vetuscope ones, they began to disappear into never-existence.
Graph: y-axis "WORLD POPULATION", x-axis "TIME", curve declining.
Panel 10 (graph):
Caption: The only people who escaped never-existence were the descendants of unrebellious wimps. This had a profound genetic effect.
Graph: y-axis "TOTAL WIMPINESS", x-axis "TIME", curve rising sharply.
Panel 11 (two figures, one a politician/Kremlin-related):
Caption: This led to peace on earth. Of a sort.
Figure: Mr. President! The Kremlin is calling.
President: Aw, I hate picking up the phone. Too socially awkward.
Panel 12 (a man with red hair and beard):
Caption: Which created a new problem.
Pre-Vetuscopites: Hear me! The post-Vetuscopites are all wimps! Let's manipulate them into building time machines to bring us forward, where we will rule them!
Panel 13 (two scared people and a confident bearded man):
Caption: The world is now largely a population of scared confused people ruled by atavistic sociopaths with no sense of history, ethics, science, beauty or truth.
Bearded man: But then, you already know this.
Panel 14 (a politician):
Politician: It's not torture if we pay other people to do it for us!
Votey: A woman with closed eyes leans her head against a couch/chair, holding a small child/baby, and shouts "SHORT JOKES!"
Panel 2 (scientist, addressing a woman): I thought it'd sell well as a way to talk to long-dead relatives.
Scientist: Hello! Your great great great great great great great great grandfather!
Panel 3:
Scientist: But that turns out to not be so appealing. So, what are you into?
Woman: Horses.
Man: Me too! Also, Jew-killing.
Panel 4 (scientist):
Scientist: But this presented a new possibility.
Scientist (in thought/speech bubble): Behold! The self-esteem machine! Think, you're not as good as you could be? Try comparing yourself to people from centuries past!
Panel 5 (woman/customer):
Caption: I had many buyers.
Customer: I worry I'm a little racist.
Machine voice: Against which races? The colored races, or the inuit races, the godless races or white people?
Customer: I feel so much better.
Panel 6 (a Black customer):
Caption: Many buyers with many reasons.
Customer: I can't afford a trip to Japan.
Machine: My family's continued survival depended on a one-acre potato farm that I don't own.
Customer: I feel so much better.
Panel 7 (an angry man from the past):
Caption: The people of the past became resentful.
Past man: My great great great great grandpa? Watch him! I gorge on these plentiful, inexpensive calories!
Panel 8 (woman in the past, viewing a screen):
Machine: Watch how I decide to never reproduce.
Panel 9 (graph):
Caption: As the pre-Vetuscope people rebelled against the post-Vetuscope ones, they began to disappear into never-existence.
Graph: y-axis "WORLD POPULATION", x-axis "TIME", curve declining.
Panel 10 (graph):
Caption: The only people who escaped never-existence were the descendants of unrebellious wimps. This had a profound genetic effect.
Graph: y-axis "TOTAL WIMPINESS", x-axis "TIME", curve rising sharply.
Panel 11 (two figures, one a politician/Kremlin-related):
Caption: This led to peace on earth. Of a sort.
Figure: Mr. President! The Kremlin is calling.
President: Aw, I hate picking up the phone. Too socially awkward.
Panel 12 (a man with red hair and beard):
Caption: Which created a new problem.
Pre-Vetuscopites: Hear me! The post-Vetuscopites are all wimps! Let's manipulate them into building time machines to bring us forward, where we will rule them!
Panel 13 (two scared people and a confident bearded man):
Caption: The world is now largely a population of scared confused people ruled by atavistic sociopaths with no sense of history, ethics, science, beauty or truth.
Bearded man: But then, you already know this.
Panel 14 (a politician):
Politician: It's not torture if we pay other people to do it for us!
Votey: A woman with closed eyes leans her head against a couch/chair, holding a small child/baby, and shouts "SHORT JOKES!"
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic. A Black scientist in a lab coat announces he created the Vetuscope, a device for talking to the past, hoping to sell it for chatting with long-dead relatives, but those ancestors prove unappealing (one cheerfully admits to liking horses and 'Jew-killing'). Instead he rebrands it as a 'self-esteem machine': feel inadequate? Compare yourself to people from centuries past who had it worse. Customers feel better hearing past relatives describe their grim, impoverished lives. The past people grow resentful and some decide never to reproduce, so as pre-Vetuscope people rebel they vanish into never-existence. Two line graphs show world population declining over time and 'total wimpiness' rising sharply, because only the descendants of unrebellious wimps survive. This brings peace on earth 'of a sort' (a president is too socially awkward to answer a call from the Kremlin), but creates a new problem: angry pre-Vetuscope people plot to manipulate the wimps into building time machines to bring them forward and rule them. The final caption says the world is now ruled by atavistic sociopaths with no sense of history, ethics, science, beauty, or truth, and a bearded man says 'But then, you already know this,' followed by a politician declaring 'It's not torture if we pay other people to do it for us!' Votey panel: a woman with closed eyes rests her head against a couch while holding a small child, shouting 'SHORT JOKES!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.