2014-03-30
Original: 2014-03-30 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: JACK PLANTED MAGIC BEANS.
[A woman gestures, smiling.]
Panel 2: A BEANSTALK GREW UP TO THE SKY.
Panel 3: AT THE TOP WAS A GIANT MAN IN A GIANT CASTLE.
Panel 4: A CASTLE-VINE SYSTEM HAD AN EXTREMELY HIGH MOMENT OF INERTIA, AND SOON TOPPLED.
[A small Earth-like planet hangs on the end of the vine.]
Panel 5: THIS FALL WAS EQUIVALENT TO DETONATING A TEN MEGATON BOMB.
[A mushroom cloud.]
Panel 6: MAGIC BEANSTALKS BECAME THE MOST WIDELY USED TOOL OF WARFARE IN FANTASYLAND.
First speaker (a king-like figure): TONIGHT IS PRINCE CHARMING'S BALL.
Second speaker (a hooded man): THEN TONIGHT, THE HOUSE OF CHARMING WILL BE ATOMIZED.
Panel 7: AS SCIENCE ADVANCED, KINGDOMS WERE FORCED INTO STRANGE NEW GEOPOLITICS.
A woman (in a red hood): YOUR HIGHNESS, WE BELIEVE PINOCCHIO WILL NOT HURT US DUE TO A CONCEPT CALLED "MUTUALLY ASSURED BEANSTALK."
King (crowned): ...
Panel 8: IN TIME, THE ETHICS OF FANTASYLAND CAUGHT UP WITH TECHNOLOGY.
Pinocchio (a frog-like figure with a long nose): LAUNCH, LAUNCH, AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN IN THE NAME OF REVENGE, GINGERBREAD MAN.
Panel 9: BUT IN THEIR PRIDE, THEY FAILED TO REALIZE THAT THE GREAT DANGER WAS NOT NACHEMOSE.
Hooded man (at a red launch button labeled CHARMING): THIS IS GENERALISSIMO PINOCCHIO. I HAVE DECIDED TO UNILATERALLY WITHDRAW OUR ARSENAL...
Panel 10: BUT CHANCE.
A man (long-haired): NOOOOO!
Votey: A woman holding a baby stands behind a long-haired, bearded man slumped on a couch. She says: "WOW, YOU'VE ACTUALLY BECOME LESS KID-FRIENDLY."
[A woman gestures, smiling.]
Panel 2: A BEANSTALK GREW UP TO THE SKY.
Panel 3: AT THE TOP WAS A GIANT MAN IN A GIANT CASTLE.
Panel 4: A CASTLE-VINE SYSTEM HAD AN EXTREMELY HIGH MOMENT OF INERTIA, AND SOON TOPPLED.
[A small Earth-like planet hangs on the end of the vine.]
Panel 5: THIS FALL WAS EQUIVALENT TO DETONATING A TEN MEGATON BOMB.
[A mushroom cloud.]
Panel 6: MAGIC BEANSTALKS BECAME THE MOST WIDELY USED TOOL OF WARFARE IN FANTASYLAND.
First speaker (a king-like figure): TONIGHT IS PRINCE CHARMING'S BALL.
Second speaker (a hooded man): THEN TONIGHT, THE HOUSE OF CHARMING WILL BE ATOMIZED.
Panel 7: AS SCIENCE ADVANCED, KINGDOMS WERE FORCED INTO STRANGE NEW GEOPOLITICS.
A woman (in a red hood): YOUR HIGHNESS, WE BELIEVE PINOCCHIO WILL NOT HURT US DUE TO A CONCEPT CALLED "MUTUALLY ASSURED BEANSTALK."
King (crowned): ...
Panel 8: IN TIME, THE ETHICS OF FANTASYLAND CAUGHT UP WITH TECHNOLOGY.
Pinocchio (a frog-like figure with a long nose): LAUNCH, LAUNCH, AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN IN THE NAME OF REVENGE, GINGERBREAD MAN.
Panel 9: BUT IN THEIR PRIDE, THEY FAILED TO REALIZE THAT THE GREAT DANGER WAS NOT NACHEMOSE.
Hooded man (at a red launch button labeled CHARMING): THIS IS GENERALISSIMO PINOCCHIO. I HAVE DECIDED TO UNILATERALLY WITHDRAW OUR ARSENAL...
Panel 10: BUT CHANCE.
A man (long-haired): NOOOOO!
Votey: A woman holding a baby stands behind a long-haired, bearded man slumped on a couch. She says: "WOW, YOU'VE ACTUALLY BECOME LESS KID-FRIENDLY."
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic that retells "Jack and the Beanstalk" as the origin of nuclear-style warfare in a fairy-tale world. Panel 1: a smiling woman gestures; caption: "Jack planted magic beans." Panel 2: a giant green beanstalk grows into the sky. Panel 3: a tiny castle perches atop the stalk; caption: "At the top was a giant man in a giant castle." Panel 4: the castle, now a small planet-like sphere, hangs off the end of the vine; caption explains the castle-vine system had high moment of inertia and soon toppled. Panel 5: a mushroom cloud; the fall equaled a ten-megaton bomb. Panel 6: magic beanstalks become Fantasyland's main weapon; a king announces Prince Charming's ball, and a hooded figure vows the House of Charming will be atomized tonight. Panel 7: a red-hooded advisor tells a crowned king they are safe from Pinocchio due to "Mutually Assured Beanstalk." Panel 8: a frog-like, long-nosed Pinocchio urges "Launch, launch, as fast as you can," but says he can't bring himself to destroy the world even for revenge against the Gingerbread Man. Panel 9: at a red launch button labeled CHARMING, Generalissimo Pinocchio announces he will unilaterally withdraw their arsenal. Panel 10: a long-haired man screams "NOOOOO!" The votey: a simple line drawing of a woman holding a baby standing behind a slumped, bearded, long-haired man on a couch; she says, "Wow, you've actually become less kid-friendly."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.