vice
Original: vice on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man with red hair and beard (to his wife): GOOD MORNING, WIFE. I'M DELIGHTED TO ANNOUNCE THE SELECTION OF MY VICE-HUSBAND.
Wife: WHAT?
Panel 2:
Red-haired man: IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH OR RESIGNATION AS YOUR LIFE-PARTNER, DAVE IS READY TO STEP INTO THE ROLE OF HUSBAND ON DAY ONE.
Panel 3:
Wife: BUT— DAVE IS PART OF A BALANCED MARITAL TICKET.
Panel 4:
Red-haired man: WHEREAS I HOLD EXTREME POSITIONS ON ISSUES LIKE VACATION PREFERENCES AND SHAVING FREQUENCY, DAVE IS A SOLIDLY AVERAGE SOULMATE.
Panel 5:
Red-haired man: HIS VIEWS ARE IN LINE WITH SURVEY DATA ON WIFE PREFERENCES, AND HE HAS A SOOTHING REGIONAL ACCENT.
Dave (the second man): NICE TA MEETCHA, MA'AM.
Panel 6:
Red-haired man: GOD I HATE HOW WE ALL GET WEIRD AROUND ELECTION SEASON. I WILL NOT BE A HUSBAND FOR LEFT OR RIGHT, BUT FOR ALL WIFE!
Votey:
Second man (Dave): THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE YOU GUYS MAKE OUT.
(The red-haired man's face is shown looking awkward/uncomfortable.)
Man with red hair and beard (to his wife): GOOD MORNING, WIFE. I'M DELIGHTED TO ANNOUNCE THE SELECTION OF MY VICE-HUSBAND.
Wife: WHAT?
Panel 2:
Red-haired man: IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH OR RESIGNATION AS YOUR LIFE-PARTNER, DAVE IS READY TO STEP INTO THE ROLE OF HUSBAND ON DAY ONE.
Panel 3:
Wife: BUT— DAVE IS PART OF A BALANCED MARITAL TICKET.
Panel 4:
Red-haired man: WHEREAS I HOLD EXTREME POSITIONS ON ISSUES LIKE VACATION PREFERENCES AND SHAVING FREQUENCY, DAVE IS A SOLIDLY AVERAGE SOULMATE.
Panel 5:
Red-haired man: HIS VIEWS ARE IN LINE WITH SURVEY DATA ON WIFE PREFERENCES, AND HE HAS A SOOTHING REGIONAL ACCENT.
Dave (the second man): NICE TA MEETCHA, MA'AM.
Panel 6:
Red-haired man: GOD I HATE HOW WE ALL GET WEIRD AROUND ELECTION SEASON. I WILL NOT BE A HUSBAND FOR LEFT OR RIGHT, BUT FOR ALL WIFE!
Votey:
Second man (Dave): THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE YOU GUYS MAKE OUT.
(The red-haired man's face is shown looking awkward/uncomfortable.)
Alt text
A man with red hair and a beard addresses his wife as if delivering a political announcement. Panel 1: 'Good morning, wife. I'm delighted to announce the selection of my vice-husband.' His wife replies, 'What?' Panel 2: 'In the event of my death or resignation as your life-partner, Dave is ready to step into the role of husband on day one.' Panel 3: The wife protests, 'But— Dave is part of a balanced marital ticket.' Panel 4: He continues, 'Whereas I hold extreme positions on issues like vacation preferences and shaving frequency, Dave is a solidly average soulmate.' Panel 5: 'His views are in line with survey data on wife preferences, and he has a soothing regional accent.' Dave, a clean-shaven man in a suit, says, 'Nice ta meetcha, ma'am.' Panel 6: The red-haired man points dramatically and declares, 'God I hate how we all get weird around election season. I will not be a husband for left or right, but for ALL wife!' The joke frames marriage in the language of a running-mate / vice-presidential campaign announcement. Votey: Dave says, 'The people want to see you guys make out,' and the red-haired man's face goes awkward and uncomfortable, extending the campaign-trail parody.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.