counsel
Original: counsel on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): MEN AND BECOME DEEPLY INVESTED IN THE IDEA OF FEELINGS WE MEAN.
Figure: I'M AFRAID IT'S TERMINAL. YOU PROBABLY GOT IT WHEN THAT TRANCHE OF PRODUCTIVE WAVES DROWNED YOUR FAMILY AND YOU STRUGGLED TO RUN AWAY.
Reply: YOU WIN SOME. YOU LOSE SOME.
Panel 2 (caption): THE SECRET COUNCIL OF WOMEN WAS ASSEMBLED.
Hooded figures: WELCOME, SISTERS. WE MEET IN LOVE AND MAY YOUR DAYS OF LOVE NEVER RUN DRY.
Panel 3 (caption): DISCUSSIONS CARRIED ON LONG INTO THE NIGHT.
Figure: WE WERE TAUGHT OUR BOYS TO KEEP IN EMOTIONAL DEAD ZONES.
Figure: WE COULD DO REVERSE ENGINEERING IF WE STUFF EVERYTHING DOWN SO THEY FEEL BY THEMSELVES.
Figure: THEY'LL BE CALLED SISSIES.
Figure: THEY'LL BE CALLED CRYBABIES.
Panel 4 (caption): AT LAST THE ONLY VIABLE SOLUTION WAS LAID OUT.
Figure: WHAT IF WE RELEASE THEIR EMOTIONS IN ONE BIG WAVE?
Figure: THAT'S OUR ONLY OPTION.
Figure: WE CAN ALWAYS BUILD IT LATER LOOK.
Figure: CHRIST. PASS THE CHEESECAKE GIMME SISTER YU.
Panel 5 (caption): EXTENSIVE MARKET ANALYSIS LED TO THE IDEAL TECHNOLOGY.
Figure (presenting a chart): SADNESS WILL BE RELEASED VIA TIKTOK, IN BLOOD-RED, UNFEMININE WILL BE TRANSI-LAUGHTER OF THE SMILING AND ECSTATICALLY MIRTHFUL APOCALYPSE.
Figure: WILL SIMPLY BE UN-FUCKABLE.
Panel 6 (caption): AS THE BIOMEDICAL BEGAN RUNNING RESULTS WERE ENORMOUS AND IMMEDIATE.
Woman on phone: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CRUSHED IN THE DOOM-VOID, SHARMED RIGHT IN THE NADS OF LOVE?
Man: THAT'S... I... WELL... WAIT?! I... THEY ALL MEANT SO MUCH TO ME!
Panel 7 (caption): MEN AROUND THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY SLUMPED AND THEN SHARED ENTIRELY NEW COLORS OF FEELING.
Big man: BIG WANNA GET CAAAAAAARGGHHH... LETS BUST SOME CAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Panel 8 (caption): EVIL DIDN'T WIN, NOT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE.
Man with cyclops eye: I NEVER NOTICED THE GUARDIE. EVERY MORNING IT RETURNS PAIN POURS FORTH WITH RED LIKE AN ANGRY CYCLOPS. IT'S DISEMBOWELING THE NIGHT.
Panel 9 (caption): THE COMBINATION OF CONSTANT RAW FEELING AND UNFAMILIAR LANGUAGE MEANT MEN HAD TO RESPOND TO IT.
Man (to woman at table): I STILL REMEMBER HOW YOUR LAUGH, I CHOSE MY DREAM TO STUFF MY DAY BY MY CHRIST'S BELLE.
Woman: I TOO! TOO!
Panel 10 (caption): WOMEN BEGAN TO WITHDRAW EMOTIONALLY.
Figure: I'M COMFORTING MOM. PORNO SOMEDAY BY THE LOOK-POUCH OF FATE. BUT DON'T DOOM-VOID! I WILL CRAVE UPON THE WORLD! YOUR PROFOUND WAS ALWAYS JUST ABSOLUTELY MY FRIKKIN' ASS.
Reply: YOU WIN SOME. YOU LOSE SOME.
Panel 11 (caption): AND SO THE CYCLE CONTINUES.
Robed figure: WELCOME TO THE COUNCIL OF MEN. YOU CRIED BITCHY BASTARDS.
Votey: A man's face, mouth wide open mid-wail, with a hand-lettered speech bubble: "Gonna quietly weep all fuckin' NIGHT!"
Figure: I'M AFRAID IT'S TERMINAL. YOU PROBABLY GOT IT WHEN THAT TRANCHE OF PRODUCTIVE WAVES DROWNED YOUR FAMILY AND YOU STRUGGLED TO RUN AWAY.
Reply: YOU WIN SOME. YOU LOSE SOME.
Panel 2 (caption): THE SECRET COUNCIL OF WOMEN WAS ASSEMBLED.
Hooded figures: WELCOME, SISTERS. WE MEET IN LOVE AND MAY YOUR DAYS OF LOVE NEVER RUN DRY.
Panel 3 (caption): DISCUSSIONS CARRIED ON LONG INTO THE NIGHT.
Figure: WE WERE TAUGHT OUR BOYS TO KEEP IN EMOTIONAL DEAD ZONES.
Figure: WE COULD DO REVERSE ENGINEERING IF WE STUFF EVERYTHING DOWN SO THEY FEEL BY THEMSELVES.
Figure: THEY'LL BE CALLED SISSIES.
Figure: THEY'LL BE CALLED CRYBABIES.
Panel 4 (caption): AT LAST THE ONLY VIABLE SOLUTION WAS LAID OUT.
Figure: WHAT IF WE RELEASE THEIR EMOTIONS IN ONE BIG WAVE?
Figure: THAT'S OUR ONLY OPTION.
Figure: WE CAN ALWAYS BUILD IT LATER LOOK.
Figure: CHRIST. PASS THE CHEESECAKE GIMME SISTER YU.
Panel 5 (caption): EXTENSIVE MARKET ANALYSIS LED TO THE IDEAL TECHNOLOGY.
Figure (presenting a chart): SADNESS WILL BE RELEASED VIA TIKTOK, IN BLOOD-RED, UNFEMININE WILL BE TRANSI-LAUGHTER OF THE SMILING AND ECSTATICALLY MIRTHFUL APOCALYPSE.
Figure: WILL SIMPLY BE UN-FUCKABLE.
Panel 6 (caption): AS THE BIOMEDICAL BEGAN RUNNING RESULTS WERE ENORMOUS AND IMMEDIATE.
Woman on phone: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CRUSHED IN THE DOOM-VOID, SHARMED RIGHT IN THE NADS OF LOVE?
Man: THAT'S... I... WELL... WAIT?! I... THEY ALL MEANT SO MUCH TO ME!
Panel 7 (caption): MEN AROUND THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY SLUMPED AND THEN SHARED ENTIRELY NEW COLORS OF FEELING.
Big man: BIG WANNA GET CAAAAAAARGGHHH... LETS BUST SOME CAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Panel 8 (caption): EVIL DIDN'T WIN, NOT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE.
Man with cyclops eye: I NEVER NOTICED THE GUARDIE. EVERY MORNING IT RETURNS PAIN POURS FORTH WITH RED LIKE AN ANGRY CYCLOPS. IT'S DISEMBOWELING THE NIGHT.
Panel 9 (caption): THE COMBINATION OF CONSTANT RAW FEELING AND UNFAMILIAR LANGUAGE MEANT MEN HAD TO RESPOND TO IT.
Man (to woman at table): I STILL REMEMBER HOW YOUR LAUGH, I CHOSE MY DREAM TO STUFF MY DAY BY MY CHRIST'S BELLE.
Woman: I TOO! TOO!
Panel 10 (caption): WOMEN BEGAN TO WITHDRAW EMOTIONALLY.
Figure: I'M COMFORTING MOM. PORNO SOMEDAY BY THE LOOK-POUCH OF FATE. BUT DON'T DOOM-VOID! I WILL CRAVE UPON THE WORLD! YOUR PROFOUND WAS ALWAYS JUST ABSOLUTELY MY FRIKKIN' ASS.
Reply: YOU WIN SOME. YOU LOSE SOME.
Panel 11 (caption): AND SO THE CYCLE CONTINUES.
Robed figure: WELCOME TO THE COUNCIL OF MEN. YOU CRIED BITCHY BASTARDS.
Votey: A man's face, mouth wide open mid-wail, with a hand-lettered speech bubble: "Gonna quietly weep all fuckin' NIGHT!"
Alt text
A long multi-panel SMBC comic, narrated by ironic captions, telling a mock-epic story about men suddenly being flooded with emotions. Caption panels read like a saga: men become invested in feelings; a hooded "Secret Council of Women" assembles in a red, crystalline cave-like chamber, greeting each other as sisters; they debate (panels show robed figures around glowing red crystals) how their sons were raised in 'emotional dead zones' and could be made to feel all at once; they decide to release men's emotions in 'one big wave,' joking about cheesecake. A presenter with a chart explains the rollout technology in absurd marketing terms. The plan goes live: a woman on the phone asks a man if he's ever been crushed in the 'doom-void,' and he stammers that everyone meant so much to him. Men around the world simultaneously slump and feel new emotions, one huge man bellowing 'BIG WANNA GET... LETS BUST SOME CAAAAARGH!' A man describes an angry red 'cyclops' of pain returning every morning. Couples awkwardly try to express love over a table. Then women begin to withdraw emotionally, repeating the refrain 'You win some. You lose some.' The final panel shows a robed figure welcoming men into 'the Council of Men,' calling them 'crybaby bastards' — the cycle continues with the genders' roles reversed. Votey: a close-up of a man's face with his mouth gaping in a wail, a hand-lettered bubble reading 'Gonna quietly weep all fuckin' NIGHT!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.