garden-2
Original: garden-2 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man in suit and sunglasses (agent type): Step aside, sir. We must access your vegetable garden.
Woman with flame-like hair: Why?
Panel 2:
Second agent: Global warming is happening faster than expected. Your government is trying to find species that can thrive under the worst possible conditions.
Panel 3:
Agent: Look! These carrots are mostly dead, but the team appears to have survived going without water for weeks, then suddenly being inundated.
Second agent: Well, you forget, and then you gotta make up for lost time.
Panel 4:
Agent: We must have its genome.
Second agent: Wow, look at this. He's trying to grow tomatoes in literal trash!
Woman: That's compost! It's just fresh!
Panel 5:
Woman: My god, we planted beans right above a septic system. It's soaking in filth and household effluent!
Panel 6 (with a labeled arrow pointing at the bean plant):
Arrow label: A septic system. Not my above is okay because it's not touching.
Agent: Anything that can survive go much drought, flooding, and human waste is ahead of the evolutionary curve.
Panel 7:
Woman: Plants are tough — you guys should see the beets I grew in used cooking oil.
Agent (into radio/phone): Shut down all other investigations. Earth is saved.
Votey:
A bespectacled person: Very funny, but get rid of your trash pile.
Another person: You're the trash pile.
Man in suit and sunglasses (agent type): Step aside, sir. We must access your vegetable garden.
Woman with flame-like hair: Why?
Panel 2:
Second agent: Global warming is happening faster than expected. Your government is trying to find species that can thrive under the worst possible conditions.
Panel 3:
Agent: Look! These carrots are mostly dead, but the team appears to have survived going without water for weeks, then suddenly being inundated.
Second agent: Well, you forget, and then you gotta make up for lost time.
Panel 4:
Agent: We must have its genome.
Second agent: Wow, look at this. He's trying to grow tomatoes in literal trash!
Woman: That's compost! It's just fresh!
Panel 5:
Woman: My god, we planted beans right above a septic system. It's soaking in filth and household effluent!
Panel 6 (with a labeled arrow pointing at the bean plant):
Arrow label: A septic system. Not my above is okay because it's not touching.
Agent: Anything that can survive go much drought, flooding, and human waste is ahead of the evolutionary curve.
Panel 7:
Woman: Plants are tough — you guys should see the beets I grew in used cooking oil.
Agent (into radio/phone): Shut down all other investigations. Earth is saved.
Votey:
A bespectacled person: Very funny, but get rid of your trash pile.
Another person: You're the trash pile.
Alt text
A seven-panel black-and-white SMBC comic. Two men in dark suits and sunglasses (government-agent types) arrive at the vegetable garden of a woman with wild flame-like hair. They announce they must access her garden: global warming is accelerating faster than expected, and the government is hunting for plant species that can thrive in worst-case conditions. Inspecting her neglected garden, the agents are amazed: her carrots survived weeks without water followed by sudden flooding (she shrugs that she just forgot to water them, then overcompensated); her tomatoes grow in 'literal trash' (she insists it's fresh compost); and her beans sit right over a leaking septic system, soaking in filth and household effluent. The agents conclude that anything surviving drought, flooding, and human waste is ahead of the evolutionary curve. In the final panel the woman casually mentions she once grew beets in used cooking oil, while an agent radios in to shut down all other investigations because 'Earth is saved.' Votey aftercomic: a hand-drawn scene where a bespectacled person says 'Very funny, but get rid of your trash pile,' and another person retorts in large letters, 'You're the trash pile.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.