2015-01-12
Original: 2015-01-12 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: WE HAD A GREAT IDEA FOR INSURANCE FRAUD.
Woman: THERE'S ALL THIS STUFF PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY REAL!! WE CAN INSURE PEOPLE AGAINST IT, BUT REQUIRE EMPIRICAL PROOF BEFORE PAYING OUT.
Panel 2:
Narration: BUSINESS WAS GOOD.
Woman: WE CAN INSURE YOUR HOUSE AGAINST GHOST-RELATED DAMAGE. HALF OFF ON WEREWOLF INSURANCE IF YOU BUY NOW.
Panel 3:
Narration: WE EXPANDED INTO PSEUDOSCIENCE.
Woman: IF THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A CAPRICORN RESULTS IN YOU DAMAGING YOUR CAR, YOU MERELY HAVE TO PROVE IT TO US, AND WE WILL PAY OUT.
Panel 4:
Narration: BUT THE REAL MONEY WAS IN CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
Woman: YES, MA'AM. IF THE PRESIDENT INVADES YOUR BUNKER AND RAIDS YOUR CREAM CORN STASH, BY GOD YOU WILL BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN. YES YES $400 PER MONTH.
Panel 5:
Narration: THIS ALL TURNED OUT TO BE ILLEGAL.
Devil: WHEN YOU SIGNED HIM UP, DID YOU HAVE ANY INTENTION TO EVER PAYOUT FOR FLOODING CAUSED BY LEPRECHAUNS?
Woman: WHEN YOU SAY "INTENTION"...
Devil: BEARING IN MIND THE VIDEO OF YOU GROANING WHILE SELLING THIS POLICY.
Panel 6:
Narration: BUT THERE WAS A BIGGER PROBLEM: MORAL HAZARD.
Man (medieval/robed figure): DUDE - ARE YOU SUMMONING MEPHISTOWELES?!
Woman: IT'S COOL, BABE. I HAVE DEMON INSURANCE.
Panel 7:
Narration: WE'RE ALL IN HELL NOW.
(Wordless: figures falling amid flames.)
Panel 8:
Narration: BUT THINGS WORKED OUT OKAY.
Devil: I SEE YOU WORKED IN INSURANCE.
Woman: YEP.
Devil: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE HEAD OF EYE-SCRAPING?
Woman: WOULD I?!
Votey:
Devil/red creature (large bat-eared face): YOU GUYS ARE SPOOKY.
Narration: WE HAD A GREAT IDEA FOR INSURANCE FRAUD.
Woman: THERE'S ALL THIS STUFF PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY REAL!! WE CAN INSURE PEOPLE AGAINST IT, BUT REQUIRE EMPIRICAL PROOF BEFORE PAYING OUT.
Panel 2:
Narration: BUSINESS WAS GOOD.
Woman: WE CAN INSURE YOUR HOUSE AGAINST GHOST-RELATED DAMAGE. HALF OFF ON WEREWOLF INSURANCE IF YOU BUY NOW.
Panel 3:
Narration: WE EXPANDED INTO PSEUDOSCIENCE.
Woman: IF THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A CAPRICORN RESULTS IN YOU DAMAGING YOUR CAR, YOU MERELY HAVE TO PROVE IT TO US, AND WE WILL PAY OUT.
Panel 4:
Narration: BUT THE REAL MONEY WAS IN CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
Woman: YES, MA'AM. IF THE PRESIDENT INVADES YOUR BUNKER AND RAIDS YOUR CREAM CORN STASH, BY GOD YOU WILL BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN. YES YES $400 PER MONTH.
Panel 5:
Narration: THIS ALL TURNED OUT TO BE ILLEGAL.
Devil: WHEN YOU SIGNED HIM UP, DID YOU HAVE ANY INTENTION TO EVER PAYOUT FOR FLOODING CAUSED BY LEPRECHAUNS?
Woman: WHEN YOU SAY "INTENTION"...
Devil: BEARING IN MIND THE VIDEO OF YOU GROANING WHILE SELLING THIS POLICY.
Panel 6:
Narration: BUT THERE WAS A BIGGER PROBLEM: MORAL HAZARD.
Man (medieval/robed figure): DUDE - ARE YOU SUMMONING MEPHISTOWELES?!
Woman: IT'S COOL, BABE. I HAVE DEMON INSURANCE.
Panel 7:
Narration: WE'RE ALL IN HELL NOW.
(Wordless: figures falling amid flames.)
Panel 8:
Narration: BUT THINGS WORKED OUT OKAY.
Devil: I SEE YOU WORKED IN INSURANCE.
Woman: YEP.
Devil: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE HEAD OF EYE-SCRAPING?
Woman: WOULD I?!
Votey:
Devil/red creature (large bat-eared face): YOU GUYS ARE SPOOKY.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic about a couple running an insurance scam. Panel 1 ("WE HAD A GREAT IDEA FOR INSURANCE FRAUD"): a woman explains they'll insure people against things they fear that aren't real, but require empirical proof before paying out. Panel 2 ("BUSINESS WAS GOOD"): she offers ghost-damage and half-off werewolf insurance. Panel 3 ("WE EXPANDED INTO PSEUDOSCIENCE"): she'll cover car damage caused by being a Capricorn, if you can prove it. Panel 4 ("BUT THE REAL MONEY WAS IN CONSPIRACY THEORIES"): she sells coverage for the president raiding your bunker and cream-corn stash, $400/month. Panel 5 ("THIS ALL TURNED OUT TO BE ILLEGAL"): a horned devil interrogates her about whether she ever intended to pay out for leprechaun flooding, citing video of her groaning while selling the policy. Panel 6 ("BUT THERE WAS A BIGGER PROBLEM: MORAL HAZARD"): a robed man asks if she's summoning a demon ("Mephistowelles"); she says it's fine, she has demon insurance. Panel 7 ("WE'RE ALL IN HELL NOW"): silhouetted figures fall through flames. Panel 8 ("BUT THINGS WORKED OUT OKAY"): the devil notes she worked in insurance and offers to make her head of eye-scraping; she eagerly accepts. Votey: a large red bat-eared devil face says "YOU GUYS ARE SPOOKY."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.