2014-09-08
Original: 2014-09-08 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Red-haired woman: TOOL USER! YOU THINK TOOL USE HAS MADE HUMANS WHAT THEY ARE?
Panel 2:
Red-haired woman: HA! OH GOD. I'M SORRY. THAT'S FUNNY. NO, IT'S PLEIOTROPY.
Green alien: HUH?
Panel 3:
Red-haired woman: PLEIOTROPY. WHEN TWO OR MORE ATTRIBUTES OF A CREATURE ARE MODERATED BY THAT SAME GENE. HUMANS HAVE A PLEIOTROPIC GENE THAT CONTROLS ASS AND NEOCORTEX SIZE.
Panel 4:
Red-haired woman: HUMANS HAVE A WEIRD FETISH FOR HUGE ASSES. AS YOU PURSUED THIS THROUGH THE AGES, BY DUMB LUCK, YOUR NEOCORTICES GREW.
Panel 5:
Red-haired woman: AT SOME POINT, YOU GOT SMART ENOUGH TO LIE TO YOURSELVES ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR GIANT ASSES. ASS SIZE STABILIZED, AND THAT'S WHY MODERN HUMANS AREN'T ANY SMARTER THAN THEY WERE BACK 100,000 YEARS AGO.
Panel 6:
Red-haired woman: DESPITE THE END OF ADVANCEMENT, THE PURSUIT OF ASSES GAVE YOU JUST ENOUGH BRAIN POWER TO MAKE MATHEMATICS, SCIENCE, AND POETRY.
Panel 7:
Red-haired woman: YOU CHASED ASSES ALL THE WAY TO SPACE! MY FRIEND, IF YOU HAD CHASED A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, YOU MIGHT HAVE REACHED THE STARS!
Panel 8 (after a wordless panel, then "LATER"):
Red-haired woman (at a bar): SOME APE HAD A CREEP ASS-FETISH 100,000 YEARS LATER, SHAKESPEARE.
Bartender: ANOTHER WHISKEY PLEASE!
Votey:
Large handwritten text reading: NO. THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY TRUE.
Red-haired woman: TOOL USER! YOU THINK TOOL USE HAS MADE HUMANS WHAT THEY ARE?
Panel 2:
Red-haired woman: HA! OH GOD. I'M SORRY. THAT'S FUNNY. NO, IT'S PLEIOTROPY.
Green alien: HUH?
Panel 3:
Red-haired woman: PLEIOTROPY. WHEN TWO OR MORE ATTRIBUTES OF A CREATURE ARE MODERATED BY THAT SAME GENE. HUMANS HAVE A PLEIOTROPIC GENE THAT CONTROLS ASS AND NEOCORTEX SIZE.
Panel 4:
Red-haired woman: HUMANS HAVE A WEIRD FETISH FOR HUGE ASSES. AS YOU PURSUED THIS THROUGH THE AGES, BY DUMB LUCK, YOUR NEOCORTICES GREW.
Panel 5:
Red-haired woman: AT SOME POINT, YOU GOT SMART ENOUGH TO LIE TO YOURSELVES ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR GIANT ASSES. ASS SIZE STABILIZED, AND THAT'S WHY MODERN HUMANS AREN'T ANY SMARTER THAN THEY WERE BACK 100,000 YEARS AGO.
Panel 6:
Red-haired woman: DESPITE THE END OF ADVANCEMENT, THE PURSUIT OF ASSES GAVE YOU JUST ENOUGH BRAIN POWER TO MAKE MATHEMATICS, SCIENCE, AND POETRY.
Panel 7:
Red-haired woman: YOU CHASED ASSES ALL THE WAY TO SPACE! MY FRIEND, IF YOU HAD CHASED A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, YOU MIGHT HAVE REACHED THE STARS!
Panel 8 (after a wordless panel, then "LATER"):
Red-haired woman (at a bar): SOME APE HAD A CREEP ASS-FETISH 100,000 YEARS LATER, SHAKESPEARE.
Bartender: ANOTHER WHISKEY PLEASE!
Votey:
Large handwritten text reading: NO. THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY TRUE.
Alt text
A green alien and a red-haired woman in a hooded robe walk down stone steps together as she explains human evolution. She tells the alien that tool use isn't what made humans what they are; laughing, she says it's actually pleiotropy. She defines pleiotropy as when two or more attributes of a creature are controlled by the same gene, and claims humans have a pleiotropic gene controlling both ass size and neocortex size. Because humans have a weird fetish for huge asses, she says, pursuing big butts over the ages accidentally grew their neocortices. Eventually humans got smart enough to lie to themselves about loving giant asses, ass size stabilized, and that's supposedly why modern humans are no smarter than they were 100,000 years ago. Still, the pursuit of asses gave them just enough brainpower for math, science, and poetry. She concludes that humans chased asses all the way to space, and if they'd chased a little longer they might have reached the stars. After a quiet panel and a 'LATER' caption, the woman sits at a bar telling a bartender, 'Some ape had a creep ass-fetish 100,000 years later, Shakespeare,' while the bartender asks for another whiskey. Votey: a panel with large hand-lettered text reading 'NO. THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY TRUE.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.