2014-03-26
Original: 2014-03-26 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Caption: IT TURNS OUT THERE ARE INFINITE UNIVERSES, AND WE CAN COMMUNICATE WITH THEM.
Panel 1: A man talking on a phone.
Man: HI, UNIVERSE WHERE SALLY NEVER LEFT ME? SHE TURNS OUT TERRIBLE, RIGHT?
Caption: IT'S NOT AN ENTIRELY GOOD THING.
Panel 2: A bald man.
Bald man: AH, I SEE TWO NOBEL PRIZES, ONE FOR LONGEVITY AND ONE FOR INVENTING A HOLOGRAPHIC SEX ROOM. INTERESTING.
Caption: ON THE PLUS SIDE, IF THERE ARE NEARBY PEOPLE, ALL-HUMAN-ACCESSIBLE INFORMATION IS GETTABLE.
Panel 3: An older woman with gray hair.
Woman: AH, ALL OF YOU WHO'VE DECLARED WAR ON ESTONIA... HOW'D IT GO?
Reply (offscreen): MR. PRESIDENT...
Caption: WE COMPILED A DATABASE OF KNOWLEDGE.
Panel 4: An old man with a white beard.
Old man: BECAUSE THERE ARE INFINITE HUMANS, WE HAVE INFINITE INFORMATION. BECAUSE THERE ARE INFINITE COMPUTERS, WE HAVE INFINITE DATABASE SPACE.
Caption: THIS LED TO A DEEP STATE OF ANOMIE.
Panel 5: A woman with brown hair, looking down.
Woman: NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT'S BEEN DONE INFINITE TIMES. EVEN THE THOUGHT I'M HAVING NOW IS NOTHING, A FRACTION OF INFINITY.
Caption: UNTIL SOMEWHERE IN MULTIVERSE, A QUESTION ARISES, THEN BECOMES POPULAR.
Panel 6: Large text on a dark/red background.
Text: WHERE ARE THE NON-HUMANS?
Caption: TO OUR AMAZEMENT, IT SEEMS THERE ARE NONE.
Panel 7: The bald man again.
Bald man: HOW CAN THERE BE INFINITE UNIVERSES, BUT NO ALIENS?
Caption: SOON, WE DISCOVER THAT IN A SMALL BUT INFINITE PORTION OF THE MULTIVERSE, THERE IS AN ANSWER.
Panel 8: A caption / explanation panel.
Text: ACCORDING TO THE MULTIPEDIA, THERE ARE OTHER INTELLIGENT SPECIES. BUT THEY ALL HAVE 'WIDE' THE HUMANS. THEY ARE INSANE IN THEIR DATABASES.
Caption: THIS CURES THE MULTIVERSAL ANOMIE.
Panel 9: A man and a woman standing together.
Text/Speaker: MULTI-PEOPLE OF MULTI-EARTH! WE NOW HAVE A PURPOSE! I PROPOSE WE BUILD SPACESHIPS, LOAD THEM WITH WEAPONS, AND BLAST ALL ALIENS UNTIL THEY STOP CALLING US CRAZY!
Caption: ALL THE MOST WARLIKE HUMANS ARE DEAD NOW, ACROSS THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE.
Panel 10: A spaceship cockpit / a figure firing.
Sound effect: WOOOO!
Caption: BUT, THEY COULD'VE SEEN IT COMING.
Panel 11: A woman talking to an alien (large head, big dark eyes).
Woman: SO IF YOU SAY ALIENS CALLED US CRAZY ALL THE AGGRESSIVE HUMANS WILL LEAVE.
Alien: YEAH, AND THEN WE CAN STOP HIDING FROM YOU.
Votey: A cartoon baby's face (round head, big eyes, a tuft of hair) looks up with a content expression. Above it, hand-lettered text in a speech-style caption reads: FIRST POST-BABY COMIC I'VE DRAWN! HOPEFULLY NOT TOO CRAZY
Panel 1: A man talking on a phone.
Man: HI, UNIVERSE WHERE SALLY NEVER LEFT ME? SHE TURNS OUT TERRIBLE, RIGHT?
Caption: IT'S NOT AN ENTIRELY GOOD THING.
Panel 2: A bald man.
Bald man: AH, I SEE TWO NOBEL PRIZES, ONE FOR LONGEVITY AND ONE FOR INVENTING A HOLOGRAPHIC SEX ROOM. INTERESTING.
Caption: ON THE PLUS SIDE, IF THERE ARE NEARBY PEOPLE, ALL-HUMAN-ACCESSIBLE INFORMATION IS GETTABLE.
Panel 3: An older woman with gray hair.
Woman: AH, ALL OF YOU WHO'VE DECLARED WAR ON ESTONIA... HOW'D IT GO?
Reply (offscreen): MR. PRESIDENT...
Caption: WE COMPILED A DATABASE OF KNOWLEDGE.
Panel 4: An old man with a white beard.
Old man: BECAUSE THERE ARE INFINITE HUMANS, WE HAVE INFINITE INFORMATION. BECAUSE THERE ARE INFINITE COMPUTERS, WE HAVE INFINITE DATABASE SPACE.
Caption: THIS LED TO A DEEP STATE OF ANOMIE.
Panel 5: A woman with brown hair, looking down.
Woman: NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT'S BEEN DONE INFINITE TIMES. EVEN THE THOUGHT I'M HAVING NOW IS NOTHING, A FRACTION OF INFINITY.
Caption: UNTIL SOMEWHERE IN MULTIVERSE, A QUESTION ARISES, THEN BECOMES POPULAR.
Panel 6: Large text on a dark/red background.
Text: WHERE ARE THE NON-HUMANS?
Caption: TO OUR AMAZEMENT, IT SEEMS THERE ARE NONE.
Panel 7: The bald man again.
Bald man: HOW CAN THERE BE INFINITE UNIVERSES, BUT NO ALIENS?
Caption: SOON, WE DISCOVER THAT IN A SMALL BUT INFINITE PORTION OF THE MULTIVERSE, THERE IS AN ANSWER.
Panel 8: A caption / explanation panel.
Text: ACCORDING TO THE MULTIPEDIA, THERE ARE OTHER INTELLIGENT SPECIES. BUT THEY ALL HAVE 'WIDE' THE HUMANS. THEY ARE INSANE IN THEIR DATABASES.
Caption: THIS CURES THE MULTIVERSAL ANOMIE.
Panel 9: A man and a woman standing together.
Text/Speaker: MULTI-PEOPLE OF MULTI-EARTH! WE NOW HAVE A PURPOSE! I PROPOSE WE BUILD SPACESHIPS, LOAD THEM WITH WEAPONS, AND BLAST ALL ALIENS UNTIL THEY STOP CALLING US CRAZY!
Caption: ALL THE MOST WARLIKE HUMANS ARE DEAD NOW, ACROSS THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE.
Panel 10: A spaceship cockpit / a figure firing.
Sound effect: WOOOO!
Caption: BUT, THEY COULD'VE SEEN IT COMING.
Panel 11: A woman talking to an alien (large head, big dark eyes).
Woman: SO IF YOU SAY ALIENS CALLED US CRAZY ALL THE AGGRESSIVE HUMANS WILL LEAVE.
Alien: YEAH, AND THEN WE CAN STOP HIDING FROM YOU.
Votey: A cartoon baby's face (round head, big eyes, a tuft of hair) looks up with a content expression. Above it, hand-lettered text in a speech-style caption reads: FIRST POST-BABY COMIC I'VE DRAWN! HOPEFULLY NOT TOO CRAZY
Alt text
A tall black-and-white SMBC comic, read top to bottom, with narrative captions above each panel. Caption: it turns out there are infinite universes and we can communicate with them. A man on a phone says, "Hi, universe where Sally never left me? She turns out terrible, right?" Caption: it's not an entirely good thing. A bald man muses that he sees two Nobel Prizes for himself in another universe, one for longevity and one for inventing a holographic sex room. Caption: all-human-accessible information is gettable. A gray-haired woman (a president) asks the universes that declared war on Estonia how it went. Caption: we compiled a database of knowledge. A white-bearded man explains that because there are infinite humans there is infinite information, and infinite computers give infinite database space. Caption: this led to a deep state of anomie. A brown-haired woman looks down despondently, saying no matter what she does it's been done infinite times, even her current thought is nothing, a fraction of infinity. Then big bold text on a dark background asks the popular question: "Where are the non-humans?" Caption: to our amazement there seem to be none. The bald man asks how there can be infinite universes but no aliens. An answer appears in a small but infinite portion of the multiverse: according to the Multipedia, other intelligent species exist but they all consider humans insane. Caption: this cures the multiversal anomie. A man rallies the "multi-people of multi-earth" to build spaceships, load them with weapons, and blast all aliens until they stop calling humans crazy. Caption: all the most warlike humans are dead now across the entire multiverse, shown by a spaceship firing with a "WOOOO!" sound effect. Final panel: a woman speaks with a big-headed, large-eyed alien. She realizes that if aliens call humans crazy, all the aggressive humans will leave; the alien replies, "Yeah, and then we can stop hiding from you." The joke: the alien "humans are crazy" rumor is a deliberate trick to make warlike humans wipe themselves out. The votey panel shows a cute cartoon baby's face looking up, with hand-lettered text reading: "First post-baby comic I've drawn! Hopefully not too crazy" — the artist noting this is the first comic since having a baby.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.