2012-09-23
Original: 2012-09-23 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Green alien (holding a folder of photos): I got photos of this celebrity named. How much will you pay me for them?
Man: Lemme see.
Panel 2:
Man: No, too distant. I can't resolve her features at all.
Panel 3:
Man: Okay, this one's ideally zoomed in. You can see the microbial life in one of her ducts.
Panel 4:
Alien: No, too close. I want to perceive her as a mate, not a biological system.
Panel 5:
Man: Okay, zoomed out.
Panel 6:
Alien: Still too far. I can tell she has pores, but I can't make out nipples.
Panel 7:
Man: Okay, this one is zoomed in just far enough to see her hair follicles.
Panel 8:
Alien: Too close. This could be leg or arm follicles. I need it zoomed out far enough to see an ascertain whether the hairs are from a body area that's culturally or biologically sexualized. I mean, otherwise, what's the point?
Panel 9:
Man: Here, let me explain human sexuality with a diagram.
Panel 10 (diagram):
A bell curve plotted on axes. Vertical-ish labels: at far left "CREEPY", at the peak "SO HOT", at far right "BORING". The horizontal axis is labeled "DISTANCE" with tick marks reading 10^-3, 10^-2, 10^-1, 10^0, 10^1, 10^2.
Panel 11:
Alien: You guys are pretty limited, huh?
Man: Oh, that reminds me. No ugly chicks.
Votey:
Alien (annoyed): I'm going back to Zorblax where we only judge by proboscis curvature!
Green alien (holding a folder of photos): I got photos of this celebrity named. How much will you pay me for them?
Man: Lemme see.
Panel 2:
Man: No, too distant. I can't resolve her features at all.
Panel 3:
Man: Okay, this one's ideally zoomed in. You can see the microbial life in one of her ducts.
Panel 4:
Alien: No, too close. I want to perceive her as a mate, not a biological system.
Panel 5:
Man: Okay, zoomed out.
Panel 6:
Alien: Still too far. I can tell she has pores, but I can't make out nipples.
Panel 7:
Man: Okay, this one is zoomed in just far enough to see her hair follicles.
Panel 8:
Alien: Too close. This could be leg or arm follicles. I need it zoomed out far enough to see an ascertain whether the hairs are from a body area that's culturally or biologically sexualized. I mean, otherwise, what's the point?
Panel 9:
Man: Here, let me explain human sexuality with a diagram.
Panel 10 (diagram):
A bell curve plotted on axes. Vertical-ish labels: at far left "CREEPY", at the peak "SO HOT", at far right "BORING". The horizontal axis is labeled "DISTANCE" with tick marks reading 10^-3, 10^-2, 10^-1, 10^0, 10^1, 10^2.
Panel 11:
Alien: You guys are pretty limited, huh?
Man: Oh, that reminds me. No ugly chicks.
Votey:
Alien (annoyed): I'm going back to Zorblax where we only judge by proboscis curvature!
Alt text
An 11-panel black-background SMBC comic. A green big-eyed alien tries to sell photos of a named celebrity to a man in glasses. The man keeps offering photos at different zoom levels and the alien keeps rejecting them: one too distant to resolve her features, one zoomed in enough to see microbial life in her ducts (too close, the alien wants to see her as a mate not a biological system), one zoomed out (too far), one showing hair follicles (too close, could be leg or arm follicles; the alien needs to know whether the hairs are from a culturally or biologically sexualized body area). The man finally offers to explain human sexuality with a diagram: a bell curve on axes labeled CREEPY at the far left, SO HOT at the peak, and BORING at the far right, with the horizontal axis labeled DISTANCE marked in powers of ten. The alien says humans are pretty limited, and the man adds, 'Oh, that reminds me. No ugly chicks.' Votey: a close-up of the disgusted alien declaring, 'I'm going back to Zorblax where we only judge by proboscis curvature!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.