Firstborn
Original: Firstborn on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
A dark, fiery throne room. A demonic lord with flame-like red hair sits on a throne, gesturing.
Demon Lord: "BEHOLD, LORD MEPHISTOCLES, THE VILE! I NOW SACRIFICE MY FIRSTBORN SON, TO BE YOURS IN THE LAND OF SHADOWS AND FORGETTING!"
Panel 2:
A glowing, shadowy figure (the dark lord Mephistocles) responds.
Mephistocles: "WHOA, HEY, WHOA. THERE. THE LAND OF SHADOWS AND FORGETTING IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS REQUIRING CHILDREN IN A SPECIFIC NEGATIVE-RETURN-ON-INVESTMENT--"
Panel 3:
The demon lord interrupts impatiently.
Demon Lord: "IF YOU WOULD RATHER, JIMMY, TO ARE 22, WITH A 4-YEAR DEGREE IN A TECHNICAL FIELD. I WOULD GLADLY ACCEPT HIS SOUL TO SERVE ME IN THE DARK UNDER-REALMS--"
Mephistocles: "TOO LATE!"
Panel 4 (labeled LATER):
The demon lord addresses Mephistocles again.
Demon Lord: "JIMMY! DO MORE MANN ACADEMY LESSONS! YOU PROMISED!"
Panel 5:
A young man (Jimmy) in flames responds.
Jimmy: "YOU CAN'T PUNISH ME WITH RESTRICTIONS BECAUSE SOULBOUND TO THE KNOWLEDGE-SECTOR DEPENDS ON ME GAINING UP TO 18% CREATIVE GO AND BEYOND!"
Demon Lord: "I JUST WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU!"
Votey:
(THIS IS WHY ISAAC GOT SPARED AT THE LAST SECOND)
A dark, fiery throne room. A demonic lord with flame-like red hair sits on a throne, gesturing.
Demon Lord: "BEHOLD, LORD MEPHISTOCLES, THE VILE! I NOW SACRIFICE MY FIRSTBORN SON, TO BE YOURS IN THE LAND OF SHADOWS AND FORGETTING!"
Panel 2:
A glowing, shadowy figure (the dark lord Mephistocles) responds.
Mephistocles: "WHOA, HEY, WHOA. THERE. THE LAND OF SHADOWS AND FORGETTING IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS REQUIRING CHILDREN IN A SPECIFIC NEGATIVE-RETURN-ON-INVESTMENT--"
Panel 3:
The demon lord interrupts impatiently.
Demon Lord: "IF YOU WOULD RATHER, JIMMY, TO ARE 22, WITH A 4-YEAR DEGREE IN A TECHNICAL FIELD. I WOULD GLADLY ACCEPT HIS SOUL TO SERVE ME IN THE DARK UNDER-REALMS--"
Mephistocles: "TOO LATE!"
Panel 4 (labeled LATER):
The demon lord addresses Mephistocles again.
Demon Lord: "JIMMY! DO MORE MANN ACADEMY LESSONS! YOU PROMISED!"
Panel 5:
A young man (Jimmy) in flames responds.
Jimmy: "YOU CAN'T PUNISH ME WITH RESTRICTIONS BECAUSE SOULBOUND TO THE KNOWLEDGE-SECTOR DEPENDS ON ME GAINING UP TO 18% CREATIVE GO AND BEYOND!"
Demon Lord: "I JUST WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU!"
Votey:
(THIS IS WHY ISAAC GOT SPARED AT THE LAST SECOND)
Alt text
A five-panel SMBC comic set in a fiery, dark throne room. A red-haired demon lord on a throne declares he sacrifices his firstborn son to Lord Mephistocles, the Vile, to be his in the Land of Shadows and Forgetting. A glowing shadow-figure, Mephistocles, hesitates, saying this is serious business with a negative-return-on-investment. The demon lord offers his son Jimmy instead -- 22, with a 4-year degree in a technical field -- and Mephistocles shouts 'TOO LATE!' Later, the demon lord scolds Jimmy to do more Mann Academy lessons as he promised; Jimmy, now a young man wreathed in flames, argues he can't be punished with restrictions because his soul-bound knowledge-sector value depends on his creative growth, and the demon lord insists he just wants what's best for him -- mirroring an overbearing parent. The votey (aftercomic) is a plain white framed panel with handwritten text: '(THIS IS WHY ISAAC GOT SPARED AT THE LAST SECOND)', a punchline referencing the biblical near-sacrifice of Isaac.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.