Confess
Original: Confess on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Priest: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO CONFESS, MY SON?
Man with curly red hair: NAH!
Panel 2:
Man with curly red hair: THINK ABOUT IT! MY SOUL IS IMMATERIAL, RIGHT?
Priest (offscreen): OKAY.
Panel 3:
Man with curly red hair: BY DEFINITION THEN, MY BODY CAN'T INTERACT WITH IT! SO THE IDEA THAT MY IMMATERIAL SOUL COULD BE HARMED BY MY MATERIAL BODY DOING IT IN THE BUTT IS ABSURD!
Panel 4:
Priest (silhouette): DID YOU SAY—
Man with curly red hair (offscreen): I MEAN ARE WE TO BELIEVE THAT THE SOUL KNOWS THAT THE BODY IS SODOMIZING WITHOUT ANY INTERACTION? IT'S ABSURD!
Panel 5:
Priest (offscreen): BUT SO YOU—
Man with curly red hair: IT'S ALL PROOF OF GOD'S LOVE. HE MADE THE SOUL IMMATERIAL SO THE BODY COULD GO ABSOLUTELY HOG WILD.
Panel 6:
Priest: SO... YOU CAME TO MY CHURCH... WHY?
Man with curly red hair: STARTING A NEW RELIGION. NEED DISCIPLES. I'M IN.
Votey:
Voice (from speech bubble): WHATCHA DOIN TONIGHT...?
Priest: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO CONFESS, MY SON?
Man with curly red hair: NAH!
Panel 2:
Man with curly red hair: THINK ABOUT IT! MY SOUL IS IMMATERIAL, RIGHT?
Priest (offscreen): OKAY.
Panel 3:
Man with curly red hair: BY DEFINITION THEN, MY BODY CAN'T INTERACT WITH IT! SO THE IDEA THAT MY IMMATERIAL SOUL COULD BE HARMED BY MY MATERIAL BODY DOING IT IN THE BUTT IS ABSURD!
Panel 4:
Priest (silhouette): DID YOU SAY—
Man with curly red hair (offscreen): I MEAN ARE WE TO BELIEVE THAT THE SOUL KNOWS THAT THE BODY IS SODOMIZING WITHOUT ANY INTERACTION? IT'S ABSURD!
Panel 5:
Priest (offscreen): BUT SO YOU—
Man with curly red hair: IT'S ALL PROOF OF GOD'S LOVE. HE MADE THE SOUL IMMATERIAL SO THE BODY COULD GO ABSOLUTELY HOG WILD.
Panel 6:
Priest: SO... YOU CAME TO MY CHURCH... WHY?
Man with curly red hair: STARTING A NEW RELIGION. NEED DISCIPLES. I'M IN.
Votey:
Voice (from speech bubble): WHATCHA DOIN TONIGHT...?
Alt text
A six-panel SMBC comic. In a confessional, a priest asks a man with curly red hair, "Do you have anything to confess, my son?" The man cheerfully says "Nah!" He then launches into an argument: his soul is immaterial, so by definition his material body can't interact with it; therefore the idea that his immaterial soul could be harmed by his body "doing it in the butt" is absurd. He continues that it's absurd to believe the soul even knows the body is sodomizing without any interaction, and declares it's all proof of God's love—God made the soul immaterial so the body could "go absolutely hog wild." In the final panel, an exterior shot of a small country church under a blue sky, the priest asks "So... you came to my church... why?" The man replies that he's starting a new religion and needs disciples; the priest's voice says "I'm in." Votey: a near-empty black panel with a speech bubble reading "Whatcha doin tonight...?"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.