criteria
Original: criteria on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man with flame-like orange hair: Sally, we need to talk.
Panel 2:
Woman with dark hair and round glasses (Sally): Oh GOD are you breaking up with me?
Panel 3:
Orange-haired man: No! I'm not. I don't like rejecting people, so I built a set of objective criteria for our relationship-state. An algorithm assesses them and outputs 'breakup' if a composite value ever falls below 0.3.
Panel 4:
Orange-haired man: And my love... I'm afraid we've reached... 0.284.
Sally: Lemme see your documentation!
Panel 5:
Sally: All of these 'objective criteria' are just your opinions on things I do!
Panel 6:
Orange-haired man: They're in EXCEL, Sally. What precisely do you imagine 'objective' means?
Votey:
Sally (in a speech bubble): I'm giving you a zero out of ten on "Not making self feel ashamed of self."
Man with flame-like orange hair: Sally, we need to talk.
Panel 2:
Woman with dark hair and round glasses (Sally): Oh GOD are you breaking up with me?
Panel 3:
Orange-haired man: No! I'm not. I don't like rejecting people, so I built a set of objective criteria for our relationship-state. An algorithm assesses them and outputs 'breakup' if a composite value ever falls below 0.3.
Panel 4:
Orange-haired man: And my love... I'm afraid we've reached... 0.284.
Sally: Lemme see your documentation!
Panel 5:
Sally: All of these 'objective criteria' are just your opinions on things I do!
Panel 6:
Orange-haired man: They're in EXCEL, Sally. What precisely do you imagine 'objective' means?
Votey:
Sally (in a speech bubble): I'm giving you a zero out of ten on "Not making self feel ashamed of self."
Alt text
A six-panel SMBC comic. A man with spiky orange hair tells a dark-haired woman in round glasses, named Sally, that they need to talk. She panics, asking if he's breaking up with her. He says no, then explains he built a set of 'objective criteria' for their relationship: an algorithm scores them and outputs 'breakup' if a composite value drops below 0.3. He sadly announces they've reached 0.284. Sally demands to see his documentation. Looking at a computer, she protests that all of these 'objective criteria' are just his opinions on things she does. He replies smugly, 'They're in EXCEL, Sally. What precisely do you imagine "objective" means?' Votey: Sally, looking annoyed, says she's giving him a zero out of ten on 'Not making self feel ashamed of self.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.