slain
Original: slain on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man (praying, eyes closed): DEAR JESUS, I OFFER WITH NATIVITIES. I HUNG THY SACRED FANE, OF RED THE FLAMES WITH FAT OF OXEN SLAIN. GOD OF THE SILVER BOW! THY GIANTS EMPLOY THINE TY SERVANT, AND...
Voice from above: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Panel 2:
Man: OH GHOST, I JUST WENT ON AUTOPILOT THERE. THAT'S MY PRAYER TO APOLLO TO RAIN PLAGUES UPON MY FOES.
God: UH.
Panel 3:
God: ARE THERE OTHER GODS GETTING THE FAT OF OXEN SLAIN?
Panel 4:
Man: LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT - YOU GUYS EAT MY FRIGGIN' FAT, AND LONG DOWN THERE, AND OTHER GODS GET BURNING SACRIFICES IN THEIR HONOR?
God: BRO, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PRAYED BLOOD AND LOCUSTS ON MY ENEMIES?
Panel 5:
Man: I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! WE COVERED FORGIVENESS FROM 'LOVE FRIENDS WARM ENEMIES' TO 'LOVE EVERYONE' SO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO MEMORIZE EVERY SINGLE TRIBE NAME.
Panel 6:
Man: I MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER BY COMMITTING EVERYONE TO LOVE AND YOU CAN'T EVEN ROAST ME A HAMBURGER ONCE IN A WHILE?
God: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK?
Panel 7:
Man: GODDAMMIT!
Votey:
God (off-panel, in box): WHO DO YOU WANT TO GET PLAGUE, ANYWAY?
Man: PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY.
Man (praying, eyes closed): DEAR JESUS, I OFFER WITH NATIVITIES. I HUNG THY SACRED FANE, OF RED THE FLAMES WITH FAT OF OXEN SLAIN. GOD OF THE SILVER BOW! THY GIANTS EMPLOY THINE TY SERVANT, AND...
Voice from above: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Panel 2:
Man: OH GHOST, I JUST WENT ON AUTOPILOT THERE. THAT'S MY PRAYER TO APOLLO TO RAIN PLAGUES UPON MY FOES.
God: UH.
Panel 3:
God: ARE THERE OTHER GODS GETTING THE FAT OF OXEN SLAIN?
Panel 4:
Man: LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT - YOU GUYS EAT MY FRIGGIN' FAT, AND LONG DOWN THERE, AND OTHER GODS GET BURNING SACRIFICES IN THEIR HONOR?
God: BRO, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PRAYED BLOOD AND LOCUSTS ON MY ENEMIES?
Panel 5:
Man: I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! WE COVERED FORGIVENESS FROM 'LOVE FRIENDS WARM ENEMIES' TO 'LOVE EVERYONE' SO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO MEMORIZE EVERY SINGLE TRIBE NAME.
Panel 6:
Man: I MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER BY COMMITTING EVERYONE TO LOVE AND YOU CAN'T EVEN ROAST ME A HAMBURGER ONCE IN A WHILE?
God: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK?
Panel 7:
Man: GODDAMMIT!
Votey:
God (off-panel, in box): WHO DO YOU WANT TO GET PLAGUE, ANYWAY?
Man: PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY.
Alt text
A six-panel comic. A man kneels in prayer, eyes closed, reciting an elaborate old-fashioned prayer offering sacrifices (oxen fat, etc.) to bring plagues upon his foes, when a disembodied voice (God) interrupts: 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?' The man explains he 'went on autopilot' and that this is his prayer to Apollo to rain plagues on his enemies. God, taken aback, asks if other gods are getting sacrifices. The man complains that God doesn't get burnt offerings like the other gods; God retorts asking when the man last prayed for blood and locusts on God's enemies. The man protests that he doesn't do that anymore since they updated forgiveness from 'love friends, warm enemies' to 'love everyone' so he wouldn't have to memorize tribe names. He argues he made God's life easier by committing everyone to love, yet God won't even grant him a small favor. God replies: 'HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK?' The man, exasperated, shouts 'GODDAMMIT!' The joke: a worshipper who has internalized universal-love theology still wants his god to smite his enemies, and is told to turn the other cheek. Votey (a small extra panel): God asks 'WHO DO YOU WANT TO GET PLAGUE, ANYWAY?' and the man replies flatly, 'PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.