surly
Original: surly on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
News anchor (a man with reddish-brown hair in a suit): WELCOME TO FINANCIAL NEWS GIVEN BY SURLY TEENAGERS. LET'S HEAR FROM PAUL.
Panel 2:
Paul (a young man with curly dark hair, glasses, and a green tie): INVESTORS ARE AWAITING TODAY'S CPI FIGURES, SO MARKETS REMAIN AS FLAT AS YOUR SISTER'S CHEST.
Anchor: AS IF YOU HAD ANYTHING FOR REFERENCE, PAUL. NOW, ANY WORD ON FUTURES? THEY APPEAR TO BE AT A VOLUME SO LARGE YOUR MOM ONLY ECLIPSED IT AROUND AGE 11.
Panel 3:
Paul: WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF COMMODITY SPECULATION RIGHT NOW. SUPPLY SHORTAGES HAVE PUSHED SPOT PRICES HIGHER THAN YOUR FATHER GETS WHENEVER HE HAS TO PRETEND TO ENJOY FAMILY TIME.
Panel 4:
Anchor: TOO MUCH?
Panel 5:
Paul: TOO MUCH... LIKE ADULT LIFE IS FOR YOUR FATHER?
Votey:
A voice (continuing in a speech bubble): OR NOT ENOUGH, LIKE HIS ACHIEVEMENTS.?
News anchor (a man with reddish-brown hair in a suit): WELCOME TO FINANCIAL NEWS GIVEN BY SURLY TEENAGERS. LET'S HEAR FROM PAUL.
Panel 2:
Paul (a young man with curly dark hair, glasses, and a green tie): INVESTORS ARE AWAITING TODAY'S CPI FIGURES, SO MARKETS REMAIN AS FLAT AS YOUR SISTER'S CHEST.
Anchor: AS IF YOU HAD ANYTHING FOR REFERENCE, PAUL. NOW, ANY WORD ON FUTURES? THEY APPEAR TO BE AT A VOLUME SO LARGE YOUR MOM ONLY ECLIPSED IT AROUND AGE 11.
Panel 3:
Paul: WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF COMMODITY SPECULATION RIGHT NOW. SUPPLY SHORTAGES HAVE PUSHED SPOT PRICES HIGHER THAN YOUR FATHER GETS WHENEVER HE HAS TO PRETEND TO ENJOY FAMILY TIME.
Panel 4:
Anchor: TOO MUCH?
Panel 5:
Paul: TOO MUCH... LIKE ADULT LIFE IS FOR YOUR FATHER?
Votey:
A voice (continuing in a speech bubble): OR NOT ENOUGH, LIKE HIS ACHIEVEMENTS.?
Alt text
A five-panel SMBC comic parodying a financial news broadcast, where the segment consists entirely of "your mom"-style insults dressed up as market commentary. Panel 1: a clean-cut news anchor in a suit announces, "Welcome to financial news given by surly teenagers. Let's hear from Paul." Panel 2: Paul, a young man with curly hair, glasses, and a green tie, says markets "remain as flat as your sister's chest"; the anchor fires back that Paul has nothing for reference, then asks about futures, which appear "at a volume so large your mom only eclipsed it around age 11." Panel 3: Paul reports supply shortages have pushed spot prices "higher than your father gets whenever he has to pretend to enjoy family time." Panel 4: the anchor asks, "Too much?" Panel 5: Paul, looking up blankly, replies, "Too much... like adult life is for your father?" Votey: a close-up of a face drawn in a wobbly, distressed Peanuts-style scribble with a zigzag mouth, while a voice adds, "Or not enough, like his achievements.?"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.