cynewulf
Original: cynewulf on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A man in a suit gestures while pitching.
Pitching man: "It's the movie of the decade, based on ninth-century medieval tales by Cynewulf the Poet."
Panel 2 (narration of the pitch): "Constantine, emperor of Rome, is about to go into battle. Huns surround him on all sides."
Panel 3 (narration): "Suddenly in the sky, Constantine has a vision of the true cross."
Panel 4 (narration): "He carries the sign of the cross into battle, scattering his foes."
Panel 5 (narration): "His wise men tell him he must find the true cross. He sends an army led by his mother Elene to Jerusalem on a quest."
Panel 6: A listener (a man) responds enthusiastically.
Listener: "Wow! That's an amazing setup! What happens next?"
Panel 7 (narration): "Well, we'll wanna stick close to the medieval source literature. So acts 2, 3, and 4 are just torturing Jews until they pony up the cross."
Panel 8: The listener reacts, taken aback.
Listener: "How DARE you! Where do you get the NERVE??"
Panel 9: The pitching man looks confused.
Pitching man: "What?"
Panel 10: The listener admonishes him.
Listener: "You wanna stick close to the medieval source? You walk RIGHT into Hollywood and pitch an action movie with an elderly female lead?"
Panel 11: The pitching man protests as he's thrown out.
Pitching man: "But--"
Listener: "GET OUT!"
Votey:
A close-up of the pitching man's stunned, wide-eyed face. Off to the side, a speech bubble with a small star/sparkle reads: "SICK!"
Pitching man: "It's the movie of the decade, based on ninth-century medieval tales by Cynewulf the Poet."
Panel 2 (narration of the pitch): "Constantine, emperor of Rome, is about to go into battle. Huns surround him on all sides."
Panel 3 (narration): "Suddenly in the sky, Constantine has a vision of the true cross."
Panel 4 (narration): "He carries the sign of the cross into battle, scattering his foes."
Panel 5 (narration): "His wise men tell him he must find the true cross. He sends an army led by his mother Elene to Jerusalem on a quest."
Panel 6: A listener (a man) responds enthusiastically.
Listener: "Wow! That's an amazing setup! What happens next?"
Panel 7 (narration): "Well, we'll wanna stick close to the medieval source literature. So acts 2, 3, and 4 are just torturing Jews until they pony up the cross."
Panel 8: The listener reacts, taken aback.
Listener: "How DARE you! Where do you get the NERVE??"
Panel 9: The pitching man looks confused.
Pitching man: "What?"
Panel 10: The listener admonishes him.
Listener: "You wanna stick close to the medieval source? You walk RIGHT into Hollywood and pitch an action movie with an elderly female lead?"
Panel 11: The pitching man protests as he's thrown out.
Pitching man: "But--"
Listener: "GET OUT!"
Votey:
A close-up of the pitching man's stunned, wide-eyed face. Off to the side, a speech bubble with a small star/sparkle reads: "SICK!"
Alt text
An 11-panel SMBC comic. A man in a suit pitches a movie to a Hollywood listener: it's based on ninth-century medieval tales by Cynewulf the Poet, about the Roman emperor Constantine, who is surrounded by Huns in battle, sees a vision of the true cross in the sky, carries the cross sign into battle to scatter his foes, and then sends an army led by his mother Elene to Jerusalem to find the true cross. The listener is thrilled and asks what happens next. The pitcher says that to stay faithful to the medieval source, acts 2, 3, and 4 are just torturing Jews until they hand over the cross. The listener is outraged — but it turns out his objection is not the antisemitism: "How DARE you! You wanna stick close to the medieval source? You walk RIGHT into Hollywood and pitch an action movie with an elderly female lead?!" He throws the pitcher out, shouting "GET OUT!" Votey: a close-up of the pitcher's stunned, wide-eyed face with a speech bubble reading "SICK!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.