romance
Original: romance on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title (above the comic): -19TH CENTURY ROMANCE NOVELS-
Panel 1: A woman with dark hair gazes off, smiling.
Woman: HOLY LIVING BALLS, LOOK AT THAT HUNK OF MAN.
Panel 2: A bearded, well-dressed man.
Narration/caption: WELL-OFF. MIDDLE-AGED. CHRISTIAN. WIDOWED.
Panel 3: A dark-haired man looking downcast.
Narration/caption: GRUFF AND QUIET, BUT SECRETLY WEEPS ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF HIS TRUE LOVE'S DEATH.
Panel 4: Interior of a cluttered green room with a fireplace, armchair, and many framed pictures on the wall. A small label with an arrow points to a side table by the chair: (cup of water left out)
Narration/caption: HOUSE SHOCKINGLY UNTIDY DESPITE MANY SERVANTS.
Panel 5: The dark-haired woman holding up a folding fan, looking aroused/impressed.
Narration/caption: AND HOLY GODDAMN SHIT...
Panel 6: Two small figures (children) standing by a fence in a field.
Narration/caption: TWO YOUNG BOYS WITH INTELLECTUAL AND ATHLETIC PROMISE, BUT IN NEED OF MATERNAL CARE.
Panel 7: The woman, gritting her teeth and clenching her fists with intense desire.
Woman: I'M GONNA TAP THAT BUSINESS SO HARD.
Panel 8 (caption banner): SEVERAL YEARS OF PLANNING LATER...
A mustached man in formal dress bows toward the woman, who holds a fan.
Man: GOOD DAY MADAME, MIGHT I INTRODUCE MYSELF TO-
Woman: FIE ON THEE, SIR! FIE! I AM BUT A COUNTRY MAIDEN!
Panel 9 (caption banner): SWEET CHRIST YES
Close-up of the mustached man's face, thinking.
Man (thought): SWEET CHRIST YES
Votey:
A man's face with a flat, deadpan expression, speaking.
Man: LET'S HAVE 14 CHILDREN, MANY OF WHOM SURVIVE.
Panel 1: A woman with dark hair gazes off, smiling.
Woman: HOLY LIVING BALLS, LOOK AT THAT HUNK OF MAN.
Panel 2: A bearded, well-dressed man.
Narration/caption: WELL-OFF. MIDDLE-AGED. CHRISTIAN. WIDOWED.
Panel 3: A dark-haired man looking downcast.
Narration/caption: GRUFF AND QUIET, BUT SECRETLY WEEPS ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF HIS TRUE LOVE'S DEATH.
Panel 4: Interior of a cluttered green room with a fireplace, armchair, and many framed pictures on the wall. A small label with an arrow points to a side table by the chair: (cup of water left out)
Narration/caption: HOUSE SHOCKINGLY UNTIDY DESPITE MANY SERVANTS.
Panel 5: The dark-haired woman holding up a folding fan, looking aroused/impressed.
Narration/caption: AND HOLY GODDAMN SHIT...
Panel 6: Two small figures (children) standing by a fence in a field.
Narration/caption: TWO YOUNG BOYS WITH INTELLECTUAL AND ATHLETIC PROMISE, BUT IN NEED OF MATERNAL CARE.
Panel 7: The woman, gritting her teeth and clenching her fists with intense desire.
Woman: I'M GONNA TAP THAT BUSINESS SO HARD.
Panel 8 (caption banner): SEVERAL YEARS OF PLANNING LATER...
A mustached man in formal dress bows toward the woman, who holds a fan.
Man: GOOD DAY MADAME, MIGHT I INTRODUCE MYSELF TO-
Woman: FIE ON THEE, SIR! FIE! I AM BUT A COUNTRY MAIDEN!
Panel 9 (caption banner): SWEET CHRIST YES
Close-up of the mustached man's face, thinking.
Man (thought): SWEET CHRIST YES
Votey:
A man's face with a flat, deadpan expression, speaking.
Man: LET'S HAVE 14 CHILDREN, MANY OF WHOM SURVIVE.
Alt text
A nine-panel SMBC comic titled "19th Century Romance Novels," parodying the genre's idealized love interest. A dark-haired woman swoons over a man, narrated as a checklist of romance-novel tropes: "Holy living balls, look at that hunk of man." "Well-off. Middle-aged. Christian. Widowed." "Gruff and quiet, but secretly weeps on the anniversary of his true love's death." A panel shows a cluttered green parlor with a tiny arrow labeled "(cup of water left out)," captioned "House shockingly untidy despite many servants." The woman raises a fan, aroused: "And holy goddamn shit..." "Two young boys with intellectual and athletic promise, but in need of maternal care." She clenches her fists with lust: "I'm gonna tap that business so hard." Then "Several years of planning later..." the man bows to introduce himself, and she cuts him off playing coy: "Fie on thee, sir! Fie! I am but a country maiden!" The final panel shows the mustached man thinking, captioned "Sweet Christ yes." The joke: her demure maiden act is a calculated seduction. Votey (bonus panel): a deadpan man's face says, "Let's have 14 children, many of whom survive" — a grim period-accurate punchline about 19th-century child mortality.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.