christ
Original: christ on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Person (praying): Dear Jesus, please help me.
Jesus: Oh, wow. Jeez. I'm always so willing to wait for Jesus.
Panel 2:
Person: Hey sorry, Jesus is doing volunteer work for an NGO in Africa. This is the regular God.
Panel 3:
God: I'm not sure how you make ends meet this month, no prob. I have a solution.
Person: Oh, will I be able to wait for Jesus?
God: Nah, I got time.
Panel 4:
God (text in panel): Rivers of blood.
Panel 5:
God: But she rises in red foam and consumes the local cost of living!
Panel 6:
Person: Please, that's not needed!
God: And your office is firing you well, get them all because she gat more better than the team! Their sons and daughters shall weep!
Panel 7:
Person: Okay, all set. Please stop helping.
God: I see you are big because your children do not respect you. They have been cast into the void and replaced by obedient God-fearing children!
Panel 8 (person screaming): Nooooooooooooooooo
Panel 9:
Person: Whew! Okay, I'm gonna take a different approach. If you need help, ping Buddha.
Panel 10:
Person (praying): Dear Buddha, can you undo all of the stuff that God...
Buddha: The fault is with you for deserving your kids to be alive.
Votey:
A serene close-up of a calm, smiling Buddha-like figure with hands raised in a meditative gesture. No text.
Person (praying): Dear Jesus, please help me.
Jesus: Oh, wow. Jeez. I'm always so willing to wait for Jesus.
Panel 2:
Person: Hey sorry, Jesus is doing volunteer work for an NGO in Africa. This is the regular God.
Panel 3:
God: I'm not sure how you make ends meet this month, no prob. I have a solution.
Person: Oh, will I be able to wait for Jesus?
God: Nah, I got time.
Panel 4:
God (text in panel): Rivers of blood.
Panel 5:
God: But she rises in red foam and consumes the local cost of living!
Panel 6:
Person: Please, that's not needed!
God: And your office is firing you well, get them all because she gat more better than the team! Their sons and daughters shall weep!
Panel 7:
Person: Okay, all set. Please stop helping.
God: I see you are big because your children do not respect you. They have been cast into the void and replaced by obedient God-fearing children!
Panel 8 (person screaming): Nooooooooooooooooo
Panel 9:
Person: Whew! Okay, I'm gonna take a different approach. If you need help, ping Buddha.
Panel 10:
Person (praying): Dear Buddha, can you undo all of the stuff that God...
Buddha: The fault is with you for deserving your kids to be alive.
Votey:
A serene close-up of a calm, smiling Buddha-like figure with hands raised in a meditative gesture. No text.
Alt text
A ten-panel SMBC comic. A person kneels in prayer saying 'Dear Jesus, please help me,' but is told Jesus is away doing volunteer work for an NGO in Africa, so they're connected to 'the regular God' instead. God enthusiastically offers to solve the person's money problems, but every 'solution' is an apocalyptic curse: rising rivers of blood that consume the local cost of living, getting the person's coworkers fired so 'their sons and daughters shall weep,' and replacing the person's disrespectful children with 'obedient God-fearing children' after casting the originals into the void. The horrified person screams a giant 'Nooooooooo' (drawn as a wall of jagged O's), then decides to try a different approach and prays to Buddha instead. But Buddha replies with an equally unhelpful, guilt-tripping non-answer about the person 'deserving' their kids to be alive. The joke is that switching deities just trades one useless, terrifying form of divine help for another. The votey aftercomic is a serene close-up of a calm, smiling Buddha-like figure with hands raised meditatively, the picture of unbothered detachment.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.