moneybattle
Original: moneybattle on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Leader (a red-haired Viking-style warrior addressing a group of warriors): "From now on, we are taking a statistical approach to combat."
Panel 2:
Leader: "First, don't go for kills. Go for stabs. Successful stabs are much more valuable than fixating to victory through lethal strikes."
Panel 3:
Leader (gesturing toward a blond, shirtless warrior): "See Siegwurst over here? Everyone thinks he's our most valuable warrior because he killed three Frenchmen in each of the last ten battles."
Panel 4:
Leader: "Now look at Birk over here. He averages 22.1 stabs per battle."
Panel 5:
Leader: "We accrue accounts for an additional 3.8 wins per campaign season. Siegwurst brings in 1.6."
Panel 6:
Leader: "But remember when Siegwurst slew two Cossacks with the 'Dance of the Whirling Blades'?"
Panel 7:
Leader: "No more reading the sagas, okay? No spin moves of any kind. They're very impressive, but the expected additional wins per spin move is negative! NEGATIVE!"
Panel 8:
Leader: "In this army, we care about one thing and that is stab percentage."
Panel 9:
Leader: "This is gonna have serious negative effects on morale." Caption/sign reads: "Which correlates with exactly nothing. Now get stabby!"
Votey:
An off-panel voice: "The other side is using longbows."
The red-haired leader (now wide-eyed and alarmed): "A BLACK SWAN!"
Leader (a red-haired Viking-style warrior addressing a group of warriors): "From now on, we are taking a statistical approach to combat."
Panel 2:
Leader: "First, don't go for kills. Go for stabs. Successful stabs are much more valuable than fixating to victory through lethal strikes."
Panel 3:
Leader (gesturing toward a blond, shirtless warrior): "See Siegwurst over here? Everyone thinks he's our most valuable warrior because he killed three Frenchmen in each of the last ten battles."
Panel 4:
Leader: "Now look at Birk over here. He averages 22.1 stabs per battle."
Panel 5:
Leader: "We accrue accounts for an additional 3.8 wins per campaign season. Siegwurst brings in 1.6."
Panel 6:
Leader: "But remember when Siegwurst slew two Cossacks with the 'Dance of the Whirling Blades'?"
Panel 7:
Leader: "No more reading the sagas, okay? No spin moves of any kind. They're very impressive, but the expected additional wins per spin move is negative! NEGATIVE!"
Panel 8:
Leader: "In this army, we care about one thing and that is stab percentage."
Panel 9:
Leader: "This is gonna have serious negative effects on morale." Caption/sign reads: "Which correlates with exactly nothing. Now get stabby!"
Votey:
An off-panel voice: "The other side is using longbows."
The red-haired leader (now wide-eyed and alarmed): "A BLACK SWAN!"
Alt text
A nine-panel comic. A red-haired warrior in Viking-style armor lectures a crowd of fellow warriors about applying sabermetrics-style statistics to medieval combat. He says they will take a statistical approach to combat: don't go for kills, go for stabs, because successful stabs are more valuable than lethal strikes. He points out that everyone thinks the blond shirtless warrior Siegwurst is the most valuable for killing three Frenchmen in each of the last ten battles, but another warrior named Birk averages 22.1 stabs per battle and accounts for 3.8 extra wins per campaign season versus Siegwurst's 1.6. He bans flashy 'spin moves' like the Dance of the Whirling Blades because their expected added wins are negative. He declares the army cares about one thing: stab percentage. He acknowledges this will hurt morale, with a caption noting morale 'correlates with exactly nothing,' then says 'Now get stabby!' Votey: a single panel. An off-panel voice announces 'The other side is using longbows.' The red-haired leader stares in wide-eyed horror and cries 'A BLACK SWAN!' — the joke being that an unforeseen ranged-weapon threat is a statistician's nightmare 'black swan' event his metrics never accounted for.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.