fuel-efficiency
Original: fuel-efficiency on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: NEW APPROACHES TO FUEL EFFICIENCY:
IDEA 1: CAR WITH ONBOARD GEOTHERMAL POWER GENERATOR
Pros:
- Charge anywhere, simply by sinking metal rod toward center of earth
- Works in all weather, and on bottom of ocean
- Neighbors will definitely know you are environmentally conscious
Cons:
- High upfront cost
- Overuse may result in Earth's core dying, death of all surface life
[Drawing: a small car icon.]
IDEA 2: MULTISTAGE CAR
Pros:
- Used up stages can be jettisoned with little risk of danger to people inside car
- Opportunity to tell police that only the third stage was speeding, and it's a small percentage of overall mass
- Can only be used one awesome time
Cons:
- Requires expensive radio receiver to communicate with mission control
- Insurance claim process is cumbersome
[Drawing: a long, segmented multistage car/truck.]
IDEA 3: CAR WITH ANGER-CAPTURING INTERIOR
Pros:
- Harvests energy whenever you punch the ceiling, dash, or steering wheel
- 20 mpg highway, 2,718 mpg city
- Increases driver likelihood of listening to conflicting points of view on talk radio
Cons:
- Negates delightful feeling of hatred toward other drivers
- Cannot yet harvest self-loathing
[Drawing: a fist punching a curved car interior surface.]
IDEA 4: CAR THAT CAN ONLY GO DOWNHILL.
Pros:
- Accelerometer detects angle of vehicle, preventing wasteful upward or lateral motion
- Will be extremely valuable if Earth discovered to be both flat and at an incline
- Technically uses negative fuel when employing regenerative braking
Con:
- Is honestly kind of a stupid idea
[Drawing: a car on a steep downhill slope.]
IDEA 5: CAR THAT ONLY TECHNICALLY MOVES
Pros:
- Technically moving 30 kilometers per second relative to sun
- Due to elliptical movement, vehicle is constantly accelerating
- Energy of motion can be recovered by dropping Earth into sun
Cons:
- Hard drive to see movies
- "Car" will continue moving, long after you and everyone whoever cared for you are dead
[Drawing: the planet Earth.]
Votey:
Dear Tesla Motors,
Please consider this my resume.
IDEA 1: CAR WITH ONBOARD GEOTHERMAL POWER GENERATOR
Pros:
- Charge anywhere, simply by sinking metal rod toward center of earth
- Works in all weather, and on bottom of ocean
- Neighbors will definitely know you are environmentally conscious
Cons:
- High upfront cost
- Overuse may result in Earth's core dying, death of all surface life
[Drawing: a small car icon.]
IDEA 2: MULTISTAGE CAR
Pros:
- Used up stages can be jettisoned with little risk of danger to people inside car
- Opportunity to tell police that only the third stage was speeding, and it's a small percentage of overall mass
- Can only be used one awesome time
Cons:
- Requires expensive radio receiver to communicate with mission control
- Insurance claim process is cumbersome
[Drawing: a long, segmented multistage car/truck.]
IDEA 3: CAR WITH ANGER-CAPTURING INTERIOR
Pros:
- Harvests energy whenever you punch the ceiling, dash, or steering wheel
- 20 mpg highway, 2,718 mpg city
- Increases driver likelihood of listening to conflicting points of view on talk radio
Cons:
- Negates delightful feeling of hatred toward other drivers
- Cannot yet harvest self-loathing
[Drawing: a fist punching a curved car interior surface.]
IDEA 4: CAR THAT CAN ONLY GO DOWNHILL.
Pros:
- Accelerometer detects angle of vehicle, preventing wasteful upward or lateral motion
- Will be extremely valuable if Earth discovered to be both flat and at an incline
- Technically uses negative fuel when employing regenerative braking
Con:
- Is honestly kind of a stupid idea
[Drawing: a car on a steep downhill slope.]
IDEA 5: CAR THAT ONLY TECHNICALLY MOVES
Pros:
- Technically moving 30 kilometers per second relative to sun
- Due to elliptical movement, vehicle is constantly accelerating
- Energy of motion can be recovered by dropping Earth into sun
Cons:
- Hard drive to see movies
- "Car" will continue moving, long after you and everyone whoever cared for you are dead
[Drawing: the planet Earth.]
Votey:
Dear Tesla Motors,
Please consider this my resume.
Alt text
A single tall panel titled "New approaches to fuel efficiency," laid out as five labeled idea boxes, each with a small drawing and a Pros/Cons list. Idea 1: Car with onboard geothermal power generator (charge by sinking a rod toward Earth's core; con: may kill the core and all surface life). Idea 2: Multistage car (jettison used-up stages like a rocket; only usable once). Idea 3: Car with anger-capturing interior, drawn as a fist punching the dashboard (20 mpg highway, 2,718 mpg city; con: negates the delight of hating other drivers). Idea 4: Car that can only go downhill, drawn as a car on a steep slope (uses negative fuel via regenerative braking; the only con listed is "Is honestly kind of a stupid idea"). Idea 5: Car that only technically moves, drawn next to planet Earth (it's "moving" 30 km/s relative to the sun; con: it will keep moving long after everyone who cared for you is dead). Votey: a handwritten note reading, "Dear Tesla Motors, Please consider this my resume."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.