evil-time
Original: evil-time on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A bald scientist stands before an easel-like screen.
Scientist: I have spent decades creating a device that could scan all of time and space, so I could bring the most evil being to the present time!
Panel 2: A glowing pillar-like time-scanner machine. A robed, shadowy figure on a pedestal answers.
Scientist: And now, time scanner... I summon history's greatest villain!
Shadowy figure: Yes, master.
Panel 3: On a pedestal sits a small petri dish containing a molecule. The scientist looks at it, puzzled.
Scientist: What's this?
Machine/caption (yellow box): The first self-replicating molecule.
Panel 4:
Scientist: What?
Machine/caption (yellow box): It's the first life before life. The concept of evil is nonsensical, so technically, this molecule is responsible for evil.
Panel 5: The petri dish sits on a table.
Scientist: Huh.
Panel 6:
Scientist: It doesn't look so evil.
Machine/caption (yellow box): That's because it's small. If you had an atomic force microscope, you could see it being racist.
Panel 7: The scientist looks on, still puzzled.
Panel 8: A close-up of a DNA-like double helix / replicating molecule, which speaks.
Molecule: I'm sure abiotic molecules are lovely, but I just don't want them in our community.
Votey:
A hand-drawn face with a speech bubble.
Caption: "That's not racist, it's chemist."
Scientist: I have spent decades creating a device that could scan all of time and space, so I could bring the most evil being to the present time!
Panel 2: A glowing pillar-like time-scanner machine. A robed, shadowy figure on a pedestal answers.
Scientist: And now, time scanner... I summon history's greatest villain!
Shadowy figure: Yes, master.
Panel 3: On a pedestal sits a small petri dish containing a molecule. The scientist looks at it, puzzled.
Scientist: What's this?
Machine/caption (yellow box): The first self-replicating molecule.
Panel 4:
Scientist: What?
Machine/caption (yellow box): It's the first life before life. The concept of evil is nonsensical, so technically, this molecule is responsible for evil.
Panel 5: The petri dish sits on a table.
Scientist: Huh.
Panel 6:
Scientist: It doesn't look so evil.
Machine/caption (yellow box): That's because it's small. If you had an atomic force microscope, you could see it being racist.
Panel 7: The scientist looks on, still puzzled.
Panel 8: A close-up of a DNA-like double helix / replicating molecule, which speaks.
Molecule: I'm sure abiotic molecules are lovely, but I just don't want them in our community.
Votey:
A hand-drawn face with a speech bubble.
Caption: "That's not racist, it's chemist."
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A bald scientist explains he spent decades building a device that can scan all of time and space to bring the most evil being to the present, then dramatically commands his glowing time-scanner machine (attended by a shadowy robed figure who says "Yes, master") to summon history's greatest villain. Instead of a fearsome villain, the machine produces a tiny molecule in a petri dish: the first self-replicating molecule, the "first life before life." The machine explains that because the concept of evil is nonsensical at that point, this molecule is technically responsible for evil. The scientist says it doesn't look so evil; the machine replies that's only because it's small, and with an atomic force microscope you could see it being racist. The final panel zooms in on a DNA-like double-helix molecule, which declares: "I'm sure abiotic molecules are lovely, but I just don't want them in our community" a parody of bigoted NIMBY speech. Votey (bonus panel): a roughly hand-drawn face with a speech bubble punning, "That's not racist, it's chemist."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.