the-mammal-conspiracy
Original: the-mammal-conspiracy on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Dolphin 1: GUYS! GUYS! IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY! WE'RE NOT FISH! WE'RE MAMMALS!
Dolphin 2: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HANK?
Panel 2:
Dolphin 1: NOT JUST MAMMALS! WE ARE LAND MAMMALS! WE'RE NOT MEANT TO FLOAT AROUND IN THE DEPTHS! WE SHOULD BE UP ON THE GROUND!
Panel 3:
Dolphin 2: IF THAT'S SO HOW COME NOBODY EVER MOVES TO THE SURFACE?
Panel 4:
Dolphin 1: BECAUSE THE HUMANS WON'T ALLOW IT! THEY KNOW HOW SMART WE ARE!
Dolphin 2: THIS IS CONSPIRACY THEORY STUFF, MAN.
Panel 5:
Dolphin 1: OH YEAH? FOLLOW ME TO THE SHORE AND WATCH!
Panel 6 (caption): SOON
A beached dolphin lies on the sand: WOOOH!
A second caption / speech: A BEACHED DOLPHIN! EVERYONE HELP!
A woman in a swimsuit rushes toward the beached dolphin.
Panel 7:
Beached dolphin: NO! STOP! PLEASE! I WANT TO LIVE! I AM LIKE YOU!
Dolphin 1 (in the water): DAMN YOU HUMANS! DAMN YOU!
Panel 8:
Dolphin 2: SEE!?
Dolphin 1: MY GOD, YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
Dolphin 1: LET US RETURN HOME TO CREATE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
Panel 9 (caption): AND SO...
The sea floor is littered with bones and skeletal remains.
A dolphin: BUT NO THUMBS.
Votey:
A dolphin says: Fuck it, let's surrender to Sea World.
Dolphin 1: GUYS! GUYS! IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY! WE'RE NOT FISH! WE'RE MAMMALS!
Dolphin 2: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HANK?
Panel 2:
Dolphin 1: NOT JUST MAMMALS! WE ARE LAND MAMMALS! WE'RE NOT MEANT TO FLOAT AROUND IN THE DEPTHS! WE SHOULD BE UP ON THE GROUND!
Panel 3:
Dolphin 2: IF THAT'S SO HOW COME NOBODY EVER MOVES TO THE SURFACE?
Panel 4:
Dolphin 1: BECAUSE THE HUMANS WON'T ALLOW IT! THEY KNOW HOW SMART WE ARE!
Dolphin 2: THIS IS CONSPIRACY THEORY STUFF, MAN.
Panel 5:
Dolphin 1: OH YEAH? FOLLOW ME TO THE SHORE AND WATCH!
Panel 6 (caption): SOON
A beached dolphin lies on the sand: WOOOH!
A second caption / speech: A BEACHED DOLPHIN! EVERYONE HELP!
A woman in a swimsuit rushes toward the beached dolphin.
Panel 7:
Beached dolphin: NO! STOP! PLEASE! I WANT TO LIVE! I AM LIKE YOU!
Dolphin 1 (in the water): DAMN YOU HUMANS! DAMN YOU!
Panel 8:
Dolphin 2: SEE!?
Dolphin 1: MY GOD, YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
Dolphin 1: LET US RETURN HOME TO CREATE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
Panel 9 (caption): AND SO...
The sea floor is littered with bones and skeletal remains.
A dolphin: BUT NO THUMBS.
Votey:
A dolphin says: Fuck it, let's surrender to Sea World.
Alt text
A nine-panel SMBC comic. Two cartoon dolphins talk underwater. Dolphin 1 (Hank) excitedly insists it's all a conspiracy: dolphins aren't fish but mammals, and in fact LAND mammals meant to live on the ground, not the ocean depths. Dolphin 2 is skeptical, asking why nobody ever moves to the surface. Hank says humans won't allow it because they know how smart dolphins are; Dolphin 2 calls it conspiracy-theory stuff. Hank says 'Follow me to the shore and watch!' In the next panel, captioned SOON, a dolphin lies beached on the sand going 'WOOOH!' while a woman in a swimsuit runs to help, someone shouting 'A beached dolphin! Everyone help!' The beached dolphin cries 'NO! STOP! PLEASE! I WANT TO LIVE! I AM LIKE YOU!' while Hank, back in the water, yells 'DAMN YOU HUMANS! DAMN YOU!' Dolphin 2 is convinced: 'My god, you were right all along. Let us return home to create nuclear weapons.' The final panel, captioned AND SO..., shows the ocean floor littered with skeletons, a dolphin lamenting 'BUT NO THUMBS' — they could never build the weapons. Votey: a single dolphin's head with a speech bubble reading 'Fuck it, let's surrender to Sea World.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.