proposals-for-new-chess-pieces
Original: proposals-for-new-chess-pieces on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: PROPOSALS FOR NEW CHESS PIECES
BISHOP-KICKER
Rules: Moves like King. When next to a bishop, you may choose to move that bishop to any adjacent square.
BUREAUCRAT
Rules: Can only move from current square back to current square, without interfering with pieces in between.
WILDERNESS PRESERVER
Rules: Moves like King. Any space touched by Wilderness Preserver is no longer passable by other pieces.
COMMUNIST
Rules: Moves like bishop. If you remove your communist from the game, for the next three turns, all pieces are equal because you are now playing checkers.
CRAPPY SPY
Rules: Moves like pawn. While on board, you can peek at the other player's pieces.
GORTAK, THE WORLD-EATER
Rules: Remove three queens you control from the game to summon Gortak. If Gortak enters the game, nobody ever wins at chess ever again.
Votey:
Gortak (a horned, fanged monster) with a sad, pleading expression. Caption: "Gortak just want hug"
BISHOP-KICKER
Rules: Moves like King. When next to a bishop, you may choose to move that bishop to any adjacent square.
BUREAUCRAT
Rules: Can only move from current square back to current square, without interfering with pieces in between.
WILDERNESS PRESERVER
Rules: Moves like King. Any space touched by Wilderness Preserver is no longer passable by other pieces.
COMMUNIST
Rules: Moves like bishop. If you remove your communist from the game, for the next three turns, all pieces are equal because you are now playing checkers.
CRAPPY SPY
Rules: Moves like pawn. While on board, you can peek at the other player's pieces.
GORTAK, THE WORLD-EATER
Rules: Remove three queens you control from the game to summon Gortak. If Gortak enters the game, nobody ever wins at chess ever again.
Votey:
Gortak (a horned, fanged monster) with a sad, pleading expression. Caption: "Gortak just want hug"
Alt text
A vertical SMBC strip titled "PROPOSALS FOR NEW CHESS PIECES," presenting six fake chess pieces drawn as small statuette figures, each with a name and an absurd rules description. BISHOP-KICKER (a confident figure): moves like a King and can shove an adjacent bishop to any adjacent square. BUREAUCRAT (a stern bespectacled figure): can only move from its current square back to its current square, accomplishing nothing. WILDERNESS PRESERVER (an outdoorsy figure on a rock): moves like a King, and any space it touches becomes impassable to other pieces. COMMUNIST (a square-jawed angry figure): moves like a bishop, and removing it makes all pieces equal for three turns because you're now playing checkers. CRAPPY SPY (a sneaking figure): moves like a pawn and lets you peek at the opponent's pieces. GORTAK, THE WORLD-EATER (a monstrous horned, fanged, snake-bodied beast): summoned by sacrificing three of your own queens, and if Gortak enters the game nobody ever wins at chess ever again. Votey: a close-up of Gortak the monster wearing a sad, big-eyed pleading face, with the handwritten caption "Gortak just want hug" — undercutting the world-ending menace with pathetic neediness.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.