immortality-2
Original: immortality-2 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (header): WE DISCOVERED THE CURE FOR AGING.
Woman (red hair): WOOH! FUCK MAKING ART! FUCK STORING FUCK MINING BABIES! AND BY GOD FUCK RECONSIDERING MY SOCIAL VALUE!
Panel 2 (header): BUT THERE WAS A SMALL ISSUE.
Woman: SINCE YOU ACCIDENTALLY KILLED MRS. SANDERS, YOU MUST PAY THE FAMILY HER EXPECTED LIFETIME EARNINGS. WE CALCULATE THAT TO BE INFINITY DOLLARS.
Panel 3 (header): THE ISSUE GREW.
Woman: WHEN YOU CUT OFF MR. LARSON IN TRAFFIC, IT SLIGHTLY SLOWED DOWN THE PROGRESS OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE IN A WAY THAT'LL RESOUND THROUGH ETERNITY. WE CALCULATE THE COST TO BE INFINITY DOLLARS.
Panel 4 (header): BAD BEHAVIOR BECAME FINANCIALLY RISKY.
Woman: WHEN YOU CALLED ME A POSTRON, I WAS EMOTIONALLY HARMED AND I LOST 3.2 MINUTES OF MY TIME. AS PER THE DICTIONARY, I AM WILLING TO SETTLE FOR ONE HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS.
Panel 5 (header): THE WORLD WAS AT PEACE.
Man: LAWYERS CAN ONLY DETECT MOTION. IF I STAY PERFECTLY MOTIONLESS, I'LL BE SAFE.
Panel 6 (header): GIVEN THE SUDDEN USELESSNESS OF HUMANS, WE WERE FORCED TO DEVELOP ROBOT LABOR.
Woman: YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR INFINITE MONEY FOR ACCIDENTALLY TAPPING YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT COMPOSED LARGELY OF HYDROCARBONS!
Robot: HUMANS ARE WEIRD
Panel 7 (header): UTOPIA.
Robot: ONCE LABORERS COULD SELF-MODIFY PRODUCTIVITY GREW EXPONENTIALLY.
Floating robot/AI: THANKS TO THIS UPGRADE, I HAVE NO EXTRA ARM AND I FEEL NO EXISTENTIAL DREAD ABOUT SPENDING ETERNITY ASSEMBLING PILLOWS FOR HEMORRHOIDS.
Panel 8 (header): ONCE WEALTH WAS DECOUPLED FROM HUMAN LABOR WE ENTERED A TECHNOLOGICAL UTOPIA.
Woman: ALL GOODS AND SERVICES ARE FREE IN ANY QUANTITY! IT IS NOW ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN!
Panel 9 (header): OF COURSE, THERE WAS SOME PENT-UP EMOTION TO BE DEALT WITH.
Woman 1: SO, I CAN COMMIT ANY CRIME THAT WOULD PREVIOUSLY HAVE BEEN RESOLVED WITH MONEY, AND THERE'S NO CONSEQUENCES?
Woman 2: UM--
Woman 1: I'M GONNA POLLUTE EVERY OCEAN, THEN KEY EVERY CAR!
Panel 10 (header): THE ORGY OF PROPERTY DESTRUCTION UNDID ALL OF THE RECENT PROGRESS.
Woman: ALL ROBOTS MUST USE THEIR AI REASONING ABILITY IS POORLY ADAPTED TO A TECHNOLOGICAL ECONOMY!
Robot: WOW! MY DERANGE MATCHES MY EXPECTATION SO PERFECTLY.
Panel 11 (header): HONESTLY? IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
Woman: NOW THAT LIFE IS SHORT AGAIN, I'M REALLY GONNA APPRECIATE MY SMALL ACTS OF PASSIVE AGGRESSION.
Votey:
Woman (glasses, in speech bubble): And that's the only problem with longevity.
Woman (red hair): WOOH! FUCK MAKING ART! FUCK STORING FUCK MINING BABIES! AND BY GOD FUCK RECONSIDERING MY SOCIAL VALUE!
Panel 2 (header): BUT THERE WAS A SMALL ISSUE.
Woman: SINCE YOU ACCIDENTALLY KILLED MRS. SANDERS, YOU MUST PAY THE FAMILY HER EXPECTED LIFETIME EARNINGS. WE CALCULATE THAT TO BE INFINITY DOLLARS.
Panel 3 (header): THE ISSUE GREW.
Woman: WHEN YOU CUT OFF MR. LARSON IN TRAFFIC, IT SLIGHTLY SLOWED DOWN THE PROGRESS OF HIS ENTIRE LIFE IN A WAY THAT'LL RESOUND THROUGH ETERNITY. WE CALCULATE THE COST TO BE INFINITY DOLLARS.
Panel 4 (header): BAD BEHAVIOR BECAME FINANCIALLY RISKY.
Woman: WHEN YOU CALLED ME A POSTRON, I WAS EMOTIONALLY HARMED AND I LOST 3.2 MINUTES OF MY TIME. AS PER THE DICTIONARY, I AM WILLING TO SETTLE FOR ONE HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS.
Panel 5 (header): THE WORLD WAS AT PEACE.
Man: LAWYERS CAN ONLY DETECT MOTION. IF I STAY PERFECTLY MOTIONLESS, I'LL BE SAFE.
Panel 6 (header): GIVEN THE SUDDEN USELESSNESS OF HUMANS, WE WERE FORCED TO DEVELOP ROBOT LABOR.
Woman: YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR INFINITE MONEY FOR ACCIDENTALLY TAPPING YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT COMPOSED LARGELY OF HYDROCARBONS!
Robot: HUMANS ARE WEIRD
Panel 7 (header): UTOPIA.
Robot: ONCE LABORERS COULD SELF-MODIFY PRODUCTIVITY GREW EXPONENTIALLY.
Floating robot/AI: THANKS TO THIS UPGRADE, I HAVE NO EXTRA ARM AND I FEEL NO EXISTENTIAL DREAD ABOUT SPENDING ETERNITY ASSEMBLING PILLOWS FOR HEMORRHOIDS.
Panel 8 (header): ONCE WEALTH WAS DECOUPLED FROM HUMAN LABOR WE ENTERED A TECHNOLOGICAL UTOPIA.
Woman: ALL GOODS AND SERVICES ARE FREE IN ANY QUANTITY! IT IS NOW ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN!
Panel 9 (header): OF COURSE, THERE WAS SOME PENT-UP EMOTION TO BE DEALT WITH.
Woman 1: SO, I CAN COMMIT ANY CRIME THAT WOULD PREVIOUSLY HAVE BEEN RESOLVED WITH MONEY, AND THERE'S NO CONSEQUENCES?
Woman 2: UM--
Woman 1: I'M GONNA POLLUTE EVERY OCEAN, THEN KEY EVERY CAR!
Panel 10 (header): THE ORGY OF PROPERTY DESTRUCTION UNDID ALL OF THE RECENT PROGRESS.
Woman: ALL ROBOTS MUST USE THEIR AI REASONING ABILITY IS POORLY ADAPTED TO A TECHNOLOGICAL ECONOMY!
Robot: WOW! MY DERANGE MATCHES MY EXPECTATION SO PERFECTLY.
Panel 11 (header): HONESTLY? IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
Woman: NOW THAT LIFE IS SHORT AGAIN, I'M REALLY GONNA APPRECIATE MY SMALL ACTS OF PASSIVE AGGRESSION.
Votey:
Woman (glasses, in speech bubble): And that's the only problem with longevity.
Alt text
An eleven-panel SMBC comic, each panel topped with a narration header, telling a sardonic story about a cure for aging. Header: "We discovered the cure for aging." A cheering red-haired woman shouts about no longer needing to make art or reconsider her social value. Next: "But there was a small issue" — a clerk explains that since the woman accidentally killed Mrs. Sanders, she owes the family her expected lifetime earnings, calculated as "infinity dollars." The problem escalates: cutting someone off in traffic also costs "infinity dollars" because it slows their now-eternal life forever, and minor insults warrant hundred-trillion-dollar settlements. "The world was at peace" — a man sits frozen, reasoning that lawyers can only detect motion so staying perfectly still keeps him safe. Because humans became useless, robot labor is developed; a woman tells a robot it can't be sued for infinite money since it isn't made largely of hydrocarbons, and the robot replies "Humans are weird." A "Utopia" follows: self-modifying robots boost productivity, one happily noting it now feels no existential dread about assembling hemorrhoid pillows for eternity. With wealth decoupled from human labor, all goods are free. But pent-up emotion erupts — a woman gleefully realizes she can now commit consequence-free crimes and vows to pollute every ocean and key every car. The resulting orgy of property destruction undoes all progress, and robots' reasoning is declared poorly adapted to the economy. Finally, "Honestly? It's better this way" — the woman says now that life is short again she'll really appreciate her small acts of passive aggression. Votey panel: a bespectacled woman, smiling slyly, says in a hand-lettered speech bubble, "And that's the only problem with longevity."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.