new-valentines
Original: new-valentines on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title banner: NEW DIRECTIONS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY:
Section 1 heading: SURPRISING SUBJECT MATTER...
Panel: A loaf of bread (with a cartoon face) speaks to a cow.
Bread: "I WOULD LOAF TO FUCK YOU."
Cow: "I STILL LOVE YOU BUT I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT I'M UDDERLY GAY."
Section 2 heading: GENTLE REMINDERS...
Panel: A carton of milk speaks to a glass of pink liquid (a latte).
Milk carton: "I LIKE YOU A LATTE! BUT YOU'VE BEEN LATE ON CHILD SUPPORT FOR 3 MONTHS NOW!"
Glass (latte): "YOU STILL OWE ME MONEY. AND YOUR HEART. OR WHATEVER. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH."
Section 3 heading: CONFUSION...
Panel: A bee speaks to a glass of milk.
Bee: "YOU ARRRE THE ONE FOR ME!"
Glass of milk: "I WOULD LOAF TO FUCK YOU."
Signature: smbc-comics.com
Votey:
Heading box: EDUCATIONAL
A hand-drawn line graph. The vertical axis is labeled "LIKELIHOOD YOU'LL GET THEM" and the horizontal axis is labeled "QUALITY OF MATES." The curve starts high on the left and drops steeply as quality increases, flattening out near zero on the right. An arrow points to the low, flat far-right portion of the curve, labeled "me!"
Section 1 heading: SURPRISING SUBJECT MATTER...
Panel: A loaf of bread (with a cartoon face) speaks to a cow.
Bread: "I WOULD LOAF TO FUCK YOU."
Cow: "I STILL LOVE YOU BUT I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT I'M UDDERLY GAY."
Section 2 heading: GENTLE REMINDERS...
Panel: A carton of milk speaks to a glass of pink liquid (a latte).
Milk carton: "I LIKE YOU A LATTE! BUT YOU'VE BEEN LATE ON CHILD SUPPORT FOR 3 MONTHS NOW!"
Glass (latte): "YOU STILL OWE ME MONEY. AND YOUR HEART. OR WHATEVER. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH."
Section 3 heading: CONFUSION...
Panel: A bee speaks to a glass of milk.
Bee: "YOU ARRRE THE ONE FOR ME!"
Glass of milk: "I WOULD LOAF TO FUCK YOU."
Signature: smbc-comics.com
Votey:
Heading box: EDUCATIONAL
A hand-drawn line graph. The vertical axis is labeled "LIKELIHOOD YOU'LL GET THEM" and the horizontal axis is labeled "QUALITY OF MATES." The curve starts high on the left and drops steeply as quality increases, flattening out near zero on the right. An arrow points to the low, flat far-right portion of the curve, labeled "me!"
Alt text
A four-section SMBC comic titled "NEW DIRECTIONS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY," parodying mismatched Valentine messages between anthropomorphic food and animals. Section 1, "SURPRISING SUBJECT MATTER": a smiling loaf of bread tells a cow "I would loaf to fuck you," and the cow replies "I still love you but I have come to realize that I'm udderly gay." Section 2, "GENTLE REMINDERS": a milk carton tells a pink latte "I like you a latte! But you've been late on child support for 3 months now!" and the latte answers "You still owe me money. And your heart. Or whatever. Seriously, though." Section 3, "CONFUSION": a bee says "You arrre the one for me!" to a glass of milk, which mismatchedly replies "I would loaf to fuck you." The humor comes from punny, blunt, and crossed-wire romantic confessions. Votey: a panel labeled "EDUCATIONAL" shows a hand-drawn line graph with the y-axis "likelihood you'll get them" and x-axis "quality of mates." The curve plunges steeply from high to nearly zero as quality rises, and an arrow points to the flat low end labeled "me!" — the joke being the author only attracts low-quality mates.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.