2014-04-17
Original: 2014-04-17 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man (light-skinned, talking to a dark-skinned man): WAIT. THE NUMBER OF HUMAN DEATHS INCREASES OVER TIME. SATAN LIVES UNTIL THE END OF DAYS. HIS LIFETIME NUMBER OF SOULS IS ESSENTIALLY INFINITE!
Panel 2:
Man: THAT MEANS THE MARGINAL VALUE OF ANOTHER SOUL IS NEGLIGIBLE TO HIM.
The dark-skinned man (turning, surprised): SO...
Panel 3:
The dark-skinned man (yelling into a phone): SATAAAAAAN!!!
Panel 4:
Satan (a horned, flame-haired devil, answering on the phone): YES?
The man (on the other end): I'LL GIVE YOU TWO DOLLARS AND THIS HALF A BURRITO FOR A HUNDRED SOULS.
Panel 5:
Satan: DONE.
Panel 6:
The man (jubilant, arms raised): WOOHOO! IF EACH SOUL IS ONE PERCENT GOOD I'M SET FOR ETERNITY!
Panel 7 (titled SOMEWHERE ELSE):
A man on his knees, hands clasped in prayer: DEAR LORD! WHAT SORT OF PERSON GETS INTO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN?
Panel 8:
A businessman in a suit, surrounded by glowing souls/light: AT THIS POINT, IT'S MOSTLY FINANCIAL ANALYSTS.
Votey:
An older woman speaks while a child looks on: AND THAT'S MY UNDERSTANDING OF THEOLOGY.
A young person listens, leaning over a surface, looking unimpressed.
Man (light-skinned, talking to a dark-skinned man): WAIT. THE NUMBER OF HUMAN DEATHS INCREASES OVER TIME. SATAN LIVES UNTIL THE END OF DAYS. HIS LIFETIME NUMBER OF SOULS IS ESSENTIALLY INFINITE!
Panel 2:
Man: THAT MEANS THE MARGINAL VALUE OF ANOTHER SOUL IS NEGLIGIBLE TO HIM.
The dark-skinned man (turning, surprised): SO...
Panel 3:
The dark-skinned man (yelling into a phone): SATAAAAAAN!!!
Panel 4:
Satan (a horned, flame-haired devil, answering on the phone): YES?
The man (on the other end): I'LL GIVE YOU TWO DOLLARS AND THIS HALF A BURRITO FOR A HUNDRED SOULS.
Panel 5:
Satan: DONE.
Panel 6:
The man (jubilant, arms raised): WOOHOO! IF EACH SOUL IS ONE PERCENT GOOD I'M SET FOR ETERNITY!
Panel 7 (titled SOMEWHERE ELSE):
A man on his knees, hands clasped in prayer: DEAR LORD! WHAT SORT OF PERSON GETS INTO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN?
Panel 8:
A businessman in a suit, surrounded by glowing souls/light: AT THIS POINT, IT'S MOSTLY FINANCIAL ANALYSTS.
Votey:
An older woman speaks while a child looks on: AND THAT'S MY UNDERSTANDING OF THEOLOGY.
A young person listens, leaning over a surface, looking unimpressed.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A man realizes that since Satan will collect an essentially infinite number of souls over all of human history, the marginal value of any single soul to Satan is negligible. He grabs a phone, yells 'SATAAAAAN!!!', and offers the flame-haired, horned devil two dollars and half a burrito for a hundred souls. Satan immediately replies 'DONE.' The man celebrates: 'WOOHOO! IF EACH SOUL IS ONE PERCENT GOOD I'M SET FOR ETERNITY!' In a final panel labeled 'SOMEWHERE ELSE,' a man kneels in prayer asking 'DEAR LORD! WHAT SORT OF PERSON GETS INTO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN?' and a businessman bathed in glowing souls answers, 'AT THIS POINT, IT'S MOSTLY FINANCIAL ANALYSTS.' Votey: an older woman tells a listening child, 'AND THAT'S MY UNDERSTANDING OF THEOLOGY,' while a young person leans over a surface looking unimpressed.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.