Ethics
Original: Ethics on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Child: Do you think we'll ever solve ethics?
Panel 2:
Man with glasses: Yeah. Ethics was solved on April 3, 1964.
Panel 3:
Man: That's when Dr. Tieri-Svensen became powerful enough to simulate an island of a few hundred humans living with an ethical framework.
Panel 4:
Man: After that, you can solve any ethical dilemma by instantiating it on a virtual island of apes and seeing if population goes to zero.
Panel 5:
Man: Can you always switch tracks on the escaped trolley? No. Other apes were mad? You died, and so did 5? Population goes to zero.
Panel 6:
Man: You're always NOT going to switch tracks on the escaped trolley? No. Other apes are mad? Population goes to zero.
Panel 7:
Man: Can you fail to protect an innocent person? No. Trust destroyed, cooperation ceases, population goes to zero.
Panel 8:
Man: You can always NOT lie to protect an innocent person? No. Innocent person killed, cooperation ceases, population goes to zero.
Panel 9:
Child: Wait, does every ethical framework depopulate your ape island?
Panel 10:
Man: Now you are wise.
Panel 11:
Man: There are no values. Only strategy, and the only strategy that works in human society runs best under vague, immoral, easily-abusable legal structures captained by professional hypocrites.
Panel 12:
Child: Wow.
Panel 13:
Man: I can't tell if that's uplifting or terrifying.
Panel 14:
Child: Careful now. That equivocation could cost a lot of lives.
Votey:
A tiny figure stands on a mountain peak with arms raised, declaring: "This is the best of all terrible worlds!"
Child: Do you think we'll ever solve ethics?
Panel 2:
Man with glasses: Yeah. Ethics was solved on April 3, 1964.
Panel 3:
Man: That's when Dr. Tieri-Svensen became powerful enough to simulate an island of a few hundred humans living with an ethical framework.
Panel 4:
Man: After that, you can solve any ethical dilemma by instantiating it on a virtual island of apes and seeing if population goes to zero.
Panel 5:
Man: Can you always switch tracks on the escaped trolley? No. Other apes were mad? You died, and so did 5? Population goes to zero.
Panel 6:
Man: You're always NOT going to switch tracks on the escaped trolley? No. Other apes are mad? Population goes to zero.
Panel 7:
Man: Can you fail to protect an innocent person? No. Trust destroyed, cooperation ceases, population goes to zero.
Panel 8:
Man: You can always NOT lie to protect an innocent person? No. Innocent person killed, cooperation ceases, population goes to zero.
Panel 9:
Child: Wait, does every ethical framework depopulate your ape island?
Panel 10:
Man: Now you are wise.
Panel 11:
Man: There are no values. Only strategy, and the only strategy that works in human society runs best under vague, immoral, easily-abusable legal structures captained by professional hypocrites.
Panel 12:
Child: Wow.
Panel 13:
Man: I can't tell if that's uplifting or terrifying.
Panel 14:
Child: Careful now. That equivocation could cost a lot of lives.
Votey:
A tiny figure stands on a mountain peak with arms raised, declaring: "This is the best of all terrible worlds!"
Alt text
A multi-panel SMBC comic. A child asks a bespectacled man if humanity will ever solve ethics. He answers that ethics was solved in 1964, when a scientist became powerful enough to simulate an island of a few hundred humans living under an ethical framework. He explains you can now resolve any ethical dilemma by running it on this virtual island of apes and checking whether the population drops to zero. He runs through several trolley-problem and lying-to-protect-innocents variants, and in every case the answer is that cooperation collapses and the population goes to zero. The child realizes that EVERY ethical framework depopulates the ape island, and the man calls this wisdom: there are no values, only strategy, and the only strategy that survives human society is one of vague, abusable legal structures run by professional hypocrites. The child says 'Wow,' and the man muses that he can't tell if that's uplifting or terrifying. The child warns: 'Careful now. That equivocation could cost a lot of lives.' Votey aftercomic: a tiny silhouetted figure stands triumphantly atop a mountain peak with arms raised, shouting 'This is the best of all terrible worlds!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.