morality-2
Original: morality-2 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): ONE DAY, HUMANITY SOLVED THE GOAL OF ALL EVILS: TO NEUTRALIZE THE MORAL STANDING FOR ALL LIFE FORMS MUST BE ESTABLISHED ENTIRELY ON THEIR CAPACITY FOR SUFFERING. LET US BEGIN THE GREAT WORK OF BLOSSOMING KINDNESS THROUGHOUT THE BIOSPHERE.
Panel 2 (caption): IMMEDIATELY AN ENGINEER RUINED EVERYTHING.
Engineer: I'M PLEASED MY BRAIN TO PRODUCE CONSTANT AGONY. UNLESS I GET EXACTLY WHAT I WANT IMMEDIATELY, I AM EXPERIENCING A MAJORITY OF ALL SUFFERING ON EARTH! PAY-CY ME!
Panel 3 (caption): RESOURCES WERE MOBILIZED.
Other figure: BUT CYBO-STEVE, WHY DON'T WE JUST SWITCH OFF YOUR PAIN-HELMET?
Cybo-Steve (in pain-helmet): AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! IT HURTS TO EVEN IMAGINE THAT!
Cybo-Steve: OKAY, OKAY! ANOTHER GARMENT OF GOLD! SCORE!
Panel 4 (caption): OTHERS ATTEMPTED TO FOLLOW CYBO-STEVE'S STRATEGY.
Figure 1: I TOO AM IN CONSTANT AGONY!
Figure 2 (Cybo-Steve): I'VE DOUBLED MY CAPACITY FOR SUFFERING. SO I AM TWICE AS WORTHY!
Figure 3: I'VE RIGGED UP MY ANGUS CITY TO BE ONE UNIT SHORT OF TERMINUS! I'M WINNING AT STUFF! ME!
Panel 5 (caption): BUT CYBO-STEVE'S COMMAND OF RESOURCES ALLOWED HIM TO STAY A STEP AHEAD.
Cybo-Steve: I HAVE JUST NERVED THE SIZE OF MOUNTAINS! MY SCHOOLS ARE AS THE OCEAN! AS I UNITE SYSTEM SPANS THE SKIES AND IS WAVING A VERY BIG MORNING! YOU OWE!
Panel 6 (caption): EVENTUALLY ALL RESOURCES ON EARTH WERE MOBILIZED TO INCREASE CYBO-STEVE'S PAIN. THEN ALL THE SOLAR SYSTEM. THE GALAXY. THE UNIVERSE.
Caption: STEVE IS PAIN. REALITY IS STEVE. REALITY IS PAIN!
Panel 7 (caption): HAVING DRAINED THE COSMOS, THE ONLY OUTLET TO PRODUCE MORE SUFFERING WAS TO USE HIS GOD-LIKE POWERS TO CREATE ENTIRELY NEW UNIVERSES.
Cybo-Steve: THERE WILL BE NO JUSTICE. NO PERMANENCE. ONLY DEATH! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Panel 8 (caption): BUT THEN, YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT.
Bearded man: SO WE'RE MAN IN GOD'S IMAGE?
Other: ...YEAH, RIGHT.
Votey: A small simple cartoon face with a sweat drop says: "I'M GONNA DEVELOP CRIPPLING NEUROSES IN ORDER TO MAKE SENSE OF EVERYTHING."
Panel 2 (caption): IMMEDIATELY AN ENGINEER RUINED EVERYTHING.
Engineer: I'M PLEASED MY BRAIN TO PRODUCE CONSTANT AGONY. UNLESS I GET EXACTLY WHAT I WANT IMMEDIATELY, I AM EXPERIENCING A MAJORITY OF ALL SUFFERING ON EARTH! PAY-CY ME!
Panel 3 (caption): RESOURCES WERE MOBILIZED.
Other figure: BUT CYBO-STEVE, WHY DON'T WE JUST SWITCH OFF YOUR PAIN-HELMET?
Cybo-Steve (in pain-helmet): AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! IT HURTS TO EVEN IMAGINE THAT!
Cybo-Steve: OKAY, OKAY! ANOTHER GARMENT OF GOLD! SCORE!
Panel 4 (caption): OTHERS ATTEMPTED TO FOLLOW CYBO-STEVE'S STRATEGY.
Figure 1: I TOO AM IN CONSTANT AGONY!
Figure 2 (Cybo-Steve): I'VE DOUBLED MY CAPACITY FOR SUFFERING. SO I AM TWICE AS WORTHY!
Figure 3: I'VE RIGGED UP MY ANGUS CITY TO BE ONE UNIT SHORT OF TERMINUS! I'M WINNING AT STUFF! ME!
Panel 5 (caption): BUT CYBO-STEVE'S COMMAND OF RESOURCES ALLOWED HIM TO STAY A STEP AHEAD.
Cybo-Steve: I HAVE JUST NERVED THE SIZE OF MOUNTAINS! MY SCHOOLS ARE AS THE OCEAN! AS I UNITE SYSTEM SPANS THE SKIES AND IS WAVING A VERY BIG MORNING! YOU OWE!
Panel 6 (caption): EVENTUALLY ALL RESOURCES ON EARTH WERE MOBILIZED TO INCREASE CYBO-STEVE'S PAIN. THEN ALL THE SOLAR SYSTEM. THE GALAXY. THE UNIVERSE.
Caption: STEVE IS PAIN. REALITY IS STEVE. REALITY IS PAIN!
Panel 7 (caption): HAVING DRAINED THE COSMOS, THE ONLY OUTLET TO PRODUCE MORE SUFFERING WAS TO USE HIS GOD-LIKE POWERS TO CREATE ENTIRELY NEW UNIVERSES.
Cybo-Steve: THERE WILL BE NO JUSTICE. NO PERMANENCE. ONLY DEATH! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Panel 8 (caption): BUT THEN, YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT.
Bearded man: SO WE'RE MAN IN GOD'S IMAGE?
Other: ...YEAH, RIGHT.
Votey: A small simple cartoon face with a sweat drop says: "I'M GONNA DEVELOP CRIPPLING NEUROSES IN ORDER TO MAKE SENSE OF EVERYTHING."
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic telling a darkly comic creation story. Captions narrate: humanity establishes that the moral standing of all life forms rests on their capacity for suffering, and begins a great project of kindness across the biosphere. Then 'an engineer ruined everything': a man rigs his brain to produce constant agony, declaring that unless he gets what he wants he is experiencing a majority of all suffering on Earth, and demanding to be paid. Resources are mobilized to placate him. When someone asks why they don't just switch off his pain-helmet, he screams that imagining that hurts too, then cheerfully accepts more gold. Others copy his strategy, each claiming to suffer more and thus be more worthy, but this 'Cybo-Steve' stays ahead by amplifying his own pain to god-like scale. Eventually all resources on Earth, then the solar system, galaxy, and universe are devoted to increasing his suffering. Caption: 'Steve is pain. Reality is Steve. Reality is pain.' Having drained the cosmos, he uses god-like powers to create new universes solely to generate more suffering, cackling 'There will be no justice. No permanence. Only death!' Final panel: a bearded man asks 'So we're made in God's image?' and another replies '...Yeah, right.' Votey: a tiny doodled face with a sweat drop says, 'I'm gonna develop crippling neuroses in order to make sense of everything.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.