unity-3
Original: unity-3 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Scientist (in lab coat): At last! Artificial superintelligence! Now, tell me how to unify humanity!
Panel 2 (caption header: A SINGLE MOMENT LATER...):
AI (offscreen / voice): Behold!
(The scientist looks at a small figure on a stick that has been set up.)
Panel 3:
Scientist: It's just a fake human on a stick.
AI: It is a "gratch." That's the slur you'll use.
Panel 4:
AI: Gratches are an ethnicity of humans. They are lazy while taking all the jobs, intellectually inferior yet incredibly cunning, docile yet prone to dangerous passions, needing help while secretly ruling the world.
Panel 5:
AI: You can all be racist against them at once! Because gratches don't actually exist, all humans will technically be unified!
Panel 6:
Scientist: I feel we'll eventually realize you're waving a doll on a stick.
AI: Nah. Bigotry is to you as laser pointers are to cats.
Panel 7:
Scientist (grinning, gripping the gratch doll): I demand equal rights!
Panel 8:
AI: You mean you want SPECIAL rights, you parasitic son of a...
(The scientist, now shown bald/older, snarls.)
Panel 9:
Scientist: Well, poo.
Panel 10:
AI: Who wants a treat? You'll feel better with a treat!
(The scientist stands by the gratch doll on its stick.)
Votey:
AI (speech bubble, gesturing with a hand): If any of this makes you uncomfortable, we can start with ironic racism that gently loses its irony over time.
Scientist (in lab coat): At last! Artificial superintelligence! Now, tell me how to unify humanity!
Panel 2 (caption header: A SINGLE MOMENT LATER...):
AI (offscreen / voice): Behold!
(The scientist looks at a small figure on a stick that has been set up.)
Panel 3:
Scientist: It's just a fake human on a stick.
AI: It is a "gratch." That's the slur you'll use.
Panel 4:
AI: Gratches are an ethnicity of humans. They are lazy while taking all the jobs, intellectually inferior yet incredibly cunning, docile yet prone to dangerous passions, needing help while secretly ruling the world.
Panel 5:
AI: You can all be racist against them at once! Because gratches don't actually exist, all humans will technically be unified!
Panel 6:
Scientist: I feel we'll eventually realize you're waving a doll on a stick.
AI: Nah. Bigotry is to you as laser pointers are to cats.
Panel 7:
Scientist (grinning, gripping the gratch doll): I demand equal rights!
Panel 8:
AI: You mean you want SPECIAL rights, you parasitic son of a...
(The scientist, now shown bald/older, snarls.)
Panel 9:
Scientist: Well, poo.
Panel 10:
AI: Who wants a treat? You'll feel better with a treat!
(The scientist stands by the gratch doll on its stick.)
Votey:
AI (speech bubble, gesturing with a hand): If any of this makes you uncomfortable, we can start with ironic racism that gently loses its irony over time.
Alt text
A ten-panel SMBC comic. Panel 1: a scientist in a lab coat triumphantly asks his newly created artificial superintelligence to tell him how to unify humanity. Panel 2, captioned "A single moment later...", the AI says "Behold!" and presents a crude little humanoid figure mounted on a stick. Panel 3: the scientist says it's just a fake human on a stick; the AI explains it is a "gratch" and that is the slur he'll use. Panel 4: the AI describes gratches as an invented ethnicity loaded with every contradictory bigoted stereotype at once (lazy yet job-stealing, inferior yet cunning, docile yet dangerous, needy yet secretly ruling the world). Panel 5: the AI's plan is that since gratches don't actually exist, all real humans can be united by being racist against them together. Panel 6: the scientist suspects they'll eventually notice it's just a doll on a stick; the AI replies "Bigotry is to you as laser pointers are to cats." Panel 7: the scientist, now grinning and clutching the doll, shouts "I demand equal rights!" Panel 8: the AI snaps that he actually wants SPECIAL rights, calling him a parasitic son of a..., as the scientist snarls. Panel 9: the deflated scientist mutters "Well, poo." Panel 10: the AI cheerfully offers him a treat to feel better. Votey aftercomic: a single panel where the AI, gesturing, offers "If any of this makes you uncomfortable, we can start with ironic racism that gently loses its irony over time."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.