afterlife-2
Original: afterlife-2 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: An angel greets a newly arrived man.
Angel: WELCOME TO HEAVEN, STEVE.
Steve: WHAT?
Panel 2: A woman (Samantha) reacts angrily among a crowd in heaven.
Samantha: HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS MY SISTER UP HERE?
Panel 3: A robed figure speaks from a pulpit before the crowd.
Figure at pulpit: ADMITTEDLY SHE DID SOME EARLY SINNING, BUT SHE WAS BORN AGAIN IN THE LOVE OF HER SAVIOR.
Panel 4: Samantha shouts.
Samantha: BULLSHIT! SHE BANGED HALF OF LAS VEGAS! ON A WEEKEND! THAT'S EVERY SIN BUT SLOTH AND SHE DID THAT ON THE TRIP HOME!
Panel 5: Steve (the man) bellows angrily.
Steve: I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE BEING A BORING GOODY-GOODY JUST TO SAVE ETERNAL LIFE IN THE BOSOM OF THE LORD AND YOU'RE LANDING IT OUT LIKE I'M FUCKING JELLY BEANS!
Panel 6: The pulpit figure responds.
Figure at pulpit: THE SCALES OF JUSTICE IN THE AFTERLIFE BALANCE. MY SON, LIFE IS SORROW AND TRIBULATION, BUT HERE THERE IS EVERLASTING LOVE FOR ALL THOSE WHO--
Panel 7: Steve interrupts.
Steve: NOT FOR ME! NO! I COULD'VE HAD EVERLASTING LOVE, PLUS TWO DECADES OF SODOM AND NOW I'LL KNOW THAT FOR LITERAL ETERNITY!
Panel 8: Steve shouts at Samantha.
Steve: IN YOUR FACE, BITCH!
Panel 9: A bearded man comments dryly.
Bearded man: THAT IS NOT HELPFUL, SAMANTHA.
Panel 10: Samantha yells at her sister.
Samantha: KISS MY ASS, SIS! THEN TELL ME WHAT I OWE YOU!
Panel 11: Steve squares up.
Steve: YOU SACK OF SHIT! SAY IT TO MY FACE!
Panel 12: Steve threatens.
Steve: YOUR FACE CAN SAY IT TO MY FIST!
Panel 13: Steve and Samantha grab each other and start fighting, faces twisted in rage.
Panel 14: The brawl continues, the two clawing at each other.
Panel 15: They tumble together, screaming.
Panel 16: Pulling back, the robed figure remarks.
Figure at pulpit: LORD, WE REALLY NEED A BETTER SYSTEM.
Panel 17: A wider shot of the heavenly setting with a glowing yellow shape (a cookie) at the bottom.
Caption/figure: THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST ONE I COULD THINK OF.
Votey: A figure (God, off-panel speaker) stands beside a large round cookie/moon-like object.
Speaker: JUST WAIT TILL THESE DIPSHITS FIGURE OUT THERE'S NO HELL!
Angel: WELCOME TO HEAVEN, STEVE.
Steve: WHAT?
Panel 2: A woman (Samantha) reacts angrily among a crowd in heaven.
Samantha: HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS MY SISTER UP HERE?
Panel 3: A robed figure speaks from a pulpit before the crowd.
Figure at pulpit: ADMITTEDLY SHE DID SOME EARLY SINNING, BUT SHE WAS BORN AGAIN IN THE LOVE OF HER SAVIOR.
Panel 4: Samantha shouts.
Samantha: BULLSHIT! SHE BANGED HALF OF LAS VEGAS! ON A WEEKEND! THAT'S EVERY SIN BUT SLOTH AND SHE DID THAT ON THE TRIP HOME!
Panel 5: Steve (the man) bellows angrily.
Steve: I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE BEING A BORING GOODY-GOODY JUST TO SAVE ETERNAL LIFE IN THE BOSOM OF THE LORD AND YOU'RE LANDING IT OUT LIKE I'M FUCKING JELLY BEANS!
Panel 6: The pulpit figure responds.
Figure at pulpit: THE SCALES OF JUSTICE IN THE AFTERLIFE BALANCE. MY SON, LIFE IS SORROW AND TRIBULATION, BUT HERE THERE IS EVERLASTING LOVE FOR ALL THOSE WHO--
Panel 7: Steve interrupts.
Steve: NOT FOR ME! NO! I COULD'VE HAD EVERLASTING LOVE, PLUS TWO DECADES OF SODOM AND NOW I'LL KNOW THAT FOR LITERAL ETERNITY!
Panel 8: Steve shouts at Samantha.
Steve: IN YOUR FACE, BITCH!
Panel 9: A bearded man comments dryly.
Bearded man: THAT IS NOT HELPFUL, SAMANTHA.
Panel 10: Samantha yells at her sister.
Samantha: KISS MY ASS, SIS! THEN TELL ME WHAT I OWE YOU!
Panel 11: Steve squares up.
Steve: YOU SACK OF SHIT! SAY IT TO MY FACE!
Panel 12: Steve threatens.
Steve: YOUR FACE CAN SAY IT TO MY FIST!
Panel 13: Steve and Samantha grab each other and start fighting, faces twisted in rage.
Panel 14: The brawl continues, the two clawing at each other.
Panel 15: They tumble together, screaming.
Panel 16: Pulling back, the robed figure remarks.
Figure at pulpit: LORD, WE REALLY NEED A BETTER SYSTEM.
Panel 17: A wider shot of the heavenly setting with a glowing yellow shape (a cookie) at the bottom.
Caption/figure: THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST ONE I COULD THINK OF.
Votey: A figure (God, off-panel speaker) stands beside a large round cookie/moon-like object.
Speaker: JUST WAIT TILL THESE DIPSHITS FIGURE OUT THERE'S NO HELL!
Alt text
A tall black-and-white-and-color SMBC comic set in heaven. A glowing-robed angel greets a newly dead bald man: "Welcome to Heaven, Steve." Steve, confused, says "What?" A woman in the crowd named Samantha is furious: "How in God's name is my sister up here?" A figure at a pulpit explains the sister "did some early sinning but was born again in the love of her savior." Samantha erupts: "Bullshit! She banged half of Las Vegas! On a weekend! That's every sin but sloth and she did that on the trip home!" Steve, also outraged, complains he spent his whole life being a boring goody-goody to earn eternal life, only to learn it's handed out "like I'm fucking jelly beans." The pulpit figure starts a sermon about the scales of justice balancing and everlasting love, but Steve cuts in that he could have had everlasting love PLUS "two decades of Sodom" and now he'll know that for literal eternity. The argument degenerates into shouting matches across panels: "In your face, bitch!", a bearded onlooker dryly saying "That is not helpful, Samantha," "Kiss my ass, sis!", "You sack of shit! Say it to my face!", "Your face can say it to my fist!" Steve and Samantha then grab each other and brawl in a flurry of colored panels, screaming and clawing. The pulpit figure sighs to God: "Lord, we really need a better system." A wide final panel shows the scene with a small glowing cookie. The votey panel shows a figure standing next to a big round cookie, saying: "Just wait till these dipshits figure out there's no Hell!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.