cleric
Original: cleric on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Bald man: I CAST HEAL WOUNDS!
Second man: I FEEL... BETTER?
Panel 2:
Second man: WAIT, WHAT? WHAT?? YOU HAVE A DIRECT LINE TO GOD FOR MIRACLES?
Panel 3:
Bald man: YOU CAN CONJURE UP ABSOLUTE PROOF OF GOD AT ANY TIME?!
Robed figure: IF I HAVE ENOUGH MANA, YEAH SURE.
Panel 4:
Man: HOW DOES ANYONE IN THIS WORLD EVER DO ANYTHING BAD? THERE'S PROOF OF GOD ON TAP ALL DAY LONG!
Panel 5:
Man (to a robed/hooded figure): WHY ARE WE GOING INTO A DUNGEON TO FIGHT BOZMODKLAK THE VILE WHEN WE COULD BE ATTENDING BIBLE CLASS, MARRYING PROUDLY YOUNG MAIDENS, AND RACKING UP HEAVEN POINTS ALL DAY LONG?
Panel 6:
Hooded figure (a god/deity): OH WELL. GOD IS A PREDESTINATIONIST. YOUR BEHAVIOR CAN'T DETERMINE WHETHER YOU'LL GO TO HEAVEN. IT'S ALL WORKED OUT IN ADVANCE.
Panel 7:
Man: WAIT? SO BAD PEOPLE GO TO HEAVEN AND GOOD PEOPLE DON'T?
Panel 8:
Hooded figure: NO. OTHER WAY AROUND. HEAVEN-BOUND PEOPLE ACT GOOD AND HELL-BOUND PEOPLE ACT BAD. BUT NOBODY HAS A CHOICE.
Panel 9:
Man: UMM. AFTER THIS DUNGEON CRAWL, YOU'RE GOING TO END UP AT A MEDIUM-TIER BROTHEL, NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL AT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT, RIGHT, GOD?
Hooded figure (God): DEAD ON, SALLY.
Panel 10 (titled LATER):
The man embraces another figure in a bed/intimate scene.
Man: THIS SUCKS.
Votey:
A large thought bubble emanating from a figure (God), reading: I'D BETTER NEVER TELL THEM HEAVEN DOESN'T EXIST...
Bald man: I CAST HEAL WOUNDS!
Second man: I FEEL... BETTER?
Panel 2:
Second man: WAIT, WHAT? WHAT?? YOU HAVE A DIRECT LINE TO GOD FOR MIRACLES?
Panel 3:
Bald man: YOU CAN CONJURE UP ABSOLUTE PROOF OF GOD AT ANY TIME?!
Robed figure: IF I HAVE ENOUGH MANA, YEAH SURE.
Panel 4:
Man: HOW DOES ANYONE IN THIS WORLD EVER DO ANYTHING BAD? THERE'S PROOF OF GOD ON TAP ALL DAY LONG!
Panel 5:
Man (to a robed/hooded figure): WHY ARE WE GOING INTO A DUNGEON TO FIGHT BOZMODKLAK THE VILE WHEN WE COULD BE ATTENDING BIBLE CLASS, MARRYING PROUDLY YOUNG MAIDENS, AND RACKING UP HEAVEN POINTS ALL DAY LONG?
Panel 6:
Hooded figure (a god/deity): OH WELL. GOD IS A PREDESTINATIONIST. YOUR BEHAVIOR CAN'T DETERMINE WHETHER YOU'LL GO TO HEAVEN. IT'S ALL WORKED OUT IN ADVANCE.
Panel 7:
Man: WAIT? SO BAD PEOPLE GO TO HEAVEN AND GOOD PEOPLE DON'T?
Panel 8:
Hooded figure: NO. OTHER WAY AROUND. HEAVEN-BOUND PEOPLE ACT GOOD AND HELL-BOUND PEOPLE ACT BAD. BUT NOBODY HAS A CHOICE.
Panel 9:
Man: UMM. AFTER THIS DUNGEON CRAWL, YOU'RE GOING TO END UP AT A MEDIUM-TIER BROTHEL, NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL AT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT, RIGHT, GOD?
Hooded figure (God): DEAD ON, SALLY.
Panel 10 (titled LATER):
The man embraces another figure in a bed/intimate scene.
Man: THIS SUCKS.
Votey:
A large thought bubble emanating from a figure (God), reading: I'D BETTER NEVER TELL THEM HEAVEN DOESN'T EXIST...
Alt text
A ten-panel comic. A bald adventurer in a fantasy party casts a healing spell on a companion, who is shocked to realize a robed cleric in the group has a literal direct line to God and can conjure absolute proof of God's existence on demand, limited only by 'mana.' The adventurer asks why anyone in a world with provable God-on-tap ever does anything bad, and why they're off fighting a dungeon monster ('Bozmodklak the Vile') instead of racking up heaven points. A hooded deity figure explains that God is a predestinationist: behavior cannot determine who goes to heaven, it's all decided in advance. When the man asks whether bad people go to heaven, God clarifies it's the reverse: heaven-bound people simply act good and hell-bound people act bad, but nobody actually has a choice. The man, named Sally, glumly confirms that no matter how he feels, he's destined to end up at a 'medium-tier brothel'; God says 'Dead on, Sally.' A final panel labeled 'LATER' shows him in an intimate embrace saying 'THIS SUCKS,' his fate fulfilled against his will. The votey is a single panel: a large thought bubble from God reading 'I'd better never tell them heaven doesn't exist...' revealing the whole predestination framework is a lie.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.