the-miserable-streak
Original: the-miserable-streak on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption header): LIFE IS SHORT, BUT TIME PERCEPTION IS RELATIVE.
Woman (at a podium): TODAY WAS AWFUL. IT JUST DRAGGED ON FOREVER.
Man: HEH.
Panel 2 (caption header): LIFE, SO TO SPEAK, IS A FUNCTION.
Woman: IF MY LIFE WERE EXPONENTIALLY GROWING IN BADNESS, WOULD I LENGTHEN THE PROBLEM?
Panel 3 (caption header): SCIENCE WAS BROUGHT TO BEAR ON THE PROBLEM.
Woman: PEOPLE TEND TO PERCEIVE TIME AS SLOW WHEN ENDURING AWFUL FORMS OF PAIN. SO I INVENTED A DEVICE THAT TORTURES ME CONSTANTLY IN NEW, EXCRUCIATING WAYS. AS A RESULT, I WILL HAVE AN EXTREMELY LONG PERCEPTUAL LIFE.
Panel 4 (caption header): BUT IT WAS NOT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.
Woman: I NOW PERCEIVE EVERY SECOND AS AN HOUR EFFECTIVELY. I'M THE FLASH. ONLY I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
Panel 5 (caption header): THE EFFECTS WERE IMMEDIATE AND TERRIBLE.
(A newspaper headline shown): ANGRY FAST LADY STEALS WORLD'S DIAMONDS; DEMANDS POWER
Panel 6 (caption header): A QUICK TEAM OF WARRIORS WAS ASSEMBLED.
Man (to a group of heroes): YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED BECAUSE YOU WERE THE QUICKEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. SLOWLY HOWEVER, FOR YOU IS TORTURE. YOU LOSERS ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.
Panel 7 (caption header): THE PLAN MET WITH DISMAY.
A hero: YOU'VE CONSIDERED ME? I GUESS YOU'RE PRETTY ANGRY ABOUT THAT?
Another hero (wide-eyed): WHAT? THEY SAID SUDDENLY SPED UP?!
Panel 8 (caption header): THE WORLD FELL INTO A LARGER FORM OF TYRANNY.
Woman (now ruler): PEOPLE OF EARTH! UNDERSTAND THIS. IF I RULE POORLY, YOU WILL BE SAD, AND NO SUPERPOWER WILL OVERTHROW ME. IF I RULE WELL, YOU WILL ALL BE HAPPY, AND MY SUPERPOWER WILL GROW GREATER.
Panel 9 (caption header): SHE'D SATTH FOR RULE [hand-lettered]
Man (to a woman): IT WAS THE PERVERTEST? AFFLICTOGNAW! [hand-lettered, garbled]
Woman: WONDERFUL.
Panel 10 (caption header): THE WAY SEEM PERVERSE AT FIRST GLANCE.
Man in suit (to a seated man): IS IT BAD THAT WE'RE RULED BY AN INSANE PERSON OBSESSED WITH THEIR OWN SUFFERING?
Seated man: NAH. I AM A CONTRARIAN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Panel 11 (caption header): IN THE END, HOW'D THE DEMOCRACY WORKED OUT FOR YOU?
Man: NAH MY LIFE WAS ENDURED OUT A MILLION TIMES OVER BY A NEWER STORY ABOUT A THING. THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
Woman: HA. HA. HA.
(Footer line): THIS IS A BONUS COMIC. THANKS TO PEOPLE WHO PRESSURED? (CLICK FOR MORE INFO)
Votey: A close-up of a woman's face, head slightly bowed, with stray laughs floating around her head: "Ha." "Ha." "Ha."
Woman (at a podium): TODAY WAS AWFUL. IT JUST DRAGGED ON FOREVER.
Man: HEH.
Panel 2 (caption header): LIFE, SO TO SPEAK, IS A FUNCTION.
Woman: IF MY LIFE WERE EXPONENTIALLY GROWING IN BADNESS, WOULD I LENGTHEN THE PROBLEM?
Panel 3 (caption header): SCIENCE WAS BROUGHT TO BEAR ON THE PROBLEM.
Woman: PEOPLE TEND TO PERCEIVE TIME AS SLOW WHEN ENDURING AWFUL FORMS OF PAIN. SO I INVENTED A DEVICE THAT TORTURES ME CONSTANTLY IN NEW, EXCRUCIATING WAYS. AS A RESULT, I WILL HAVE AN EXTREMELY LONG PERCEPTUAL LIFE.
Panel 4 (caption header): BUT IT WAS NOT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.
Woman: I NOW PERCEIVE EVERY SECOND AS AN HOUR EFFECTIVELY. I'M THE FLASH. ONLY I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
Panel 5 (caption header): THE EFFECTS WERE IMMEDIATE AND TERRIBLE.
(A newspaper headline shown): ANGRY FAST LADY STEALS WORLD'S DIAMONDS; DEMANDS POWER
Panel 6 (caption header): A QUICK TEAM OF WARRIORS WAS ASSEMBLED.
Man (to a group of heroes): YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED BECAUSE YOU WERE THE QUICKEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. SLOWLY HOWEVER, FOR YOU IS TORTURE. YOU LOSERS ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.
Panel 7 (caption header): THE PLAN MET WITH DISMAY.
A hero: YOU'VE CONSIDERED ME? I GUESS YOU'RE PRETTY ANGRY ABOUT THAT?
Another hero (wide-eyed): WHAT? THEY SAID SUDDENLY SPED UP?!
Panel 8 (caption header): THE WORLD FELL INTO A LARGER FORM OF TYRANNY.
Woman (now ruler): PEOPLE OF EARTH! UNDERSTAND THIS. IF I RULE POORLY, YOU WILL BE SAD, AND NO SUPERPOWER WILL OVERTHROW ME. IF I RULE WELL, YOU WILL ALL BE HAPPY, AND MY SUPERPOWER WILL GROW GREATER.
Panel 9 (caption header): SHE'D SATTH FOR RULE [hand-lettered]
Man (to a woman): IT WAS THE PERVERTEST? AFFLICTOGNAW! [hand-lettered, garbled]
Woman: WONDERFUL.
Panel 10 (caption header): THE WAY SEEM PERVERSE AT FIRST GLANCE.
Man in suit (to a seated man): IS IT BAD THAT WE'RE RULED BY AN INSANE PERSON OBSESSED WITH THEIR OWN SUFFERING?
Seated man: NAH. I AM A CONTRARIAN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Panel 11 (caption header): IN THE END, HOW'D THE DEMOCRACY WORKED OUT FOR YOU?
Man: NAH MY LIFE WAS ENDURED OUT A MILLION TIMES OVER BY A NEWER STORY ABOUT A THING. THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
Woman: HA. HA. HA.
(Footer line): THIS IS A BONUS COMIC. THANKS TO PEOPLE WHO PRESSURED? (CLICK FOR MORE INFO)
Votey: A close-up of a woman's face, head slightly bowed, with stray laughs floating around her head: "Ha." "Ha." "Ha."
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic, each panel topped by a narrative caption. Panel 1 ("LIFE IS SHORT, BUT TIME PERCEPTION IS RELATIVE."): a woman at a podium complains the day dragged on forever. Panel 2 ("LIFE, SO TO SPEAK, IS A FUNCTION."): she muses that if her life were exponentially growing in badness, she would not want to lengthen it. Panel 3 ("SCIENCE WAS BROUGHT TO BEAR ON THE PROBLEM."): she explains that since people perceive pain as making time pass slowly, she invented a device that constantly tortures her in new ways so she will have an extremely long perceptual life. Panel 4 ("BUT IT WAS NOT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES."): now perceiving every second as an hour, she declares she is like the Flash, only she hates everyone and everything. Panel 5 ("THE EFFECTS WERE IMMEDIATE AND TERRIBLE."): a newspaper headline reads "ANGRY FAST LADY STEALS WORLD'S DIAMONDS; DEMANDS POWER." Panel 6 ("A QUICK TEAM OF WARRIORS WAS ASSEMBLED."): a man tells a lineup of heroes they were chosen as the quickest people in the world, but moving slowly is torture for them, so these "losers" are humanity's only hope. Panel 7: the heroes react with dismay. Panel 8 ("THE WORLD FELL INTO A LARGER FORM OF TYRANNY."): the woman, now ruler, addresses Earth, framing her rule as inescapable. Later panels show citizens debating whether being ruled by a suffering-obsessed tyrant is bad, with one man calling himself a contrarian who is fine with it, and a final exchange about how the situation turned out. The closing votey is a hand-drawn close-up of a woman's bowed face with three faint "Ha." laughs floating around her head.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.