humans-are-special
Original: humans-are-special on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman: We humans keep thinking we're special. Only to find out we're not. We have language. So do birds. We have culture. So do monkeys.
Woman: What do Zorblaxians think is special about humans?
Panel 2 (a green alien, the Zorblaxian, replies):
Zorblaxian: On Zorblax, we call humans "the apes with reasons." You unique among life have stupid reasons for everything.
Panel 3:
Zorblaxian: Your behavior is not in any important way distinct from, say, a squirrel, or a rat. But, unlike the rat, you imagine your behavior holds some meaning beyond its proximate effect.
Panel 4:
Zorblaxian: You kill rivals for resources, but you write songs and essays about why it's complicated and important. Your eating habits, lasting alliances based largely on mutual utility, but you attach a whole philosophy of love and friendship to it.
Panel 5:
Zorblaxian: You can barely even have sex without imagining a mental romance novel!
Panel 6:
Zorblaxian: Humans have FAR more mental processing power than any species in the universe, but 98% of it goes to incorrectly understanding your own behaviors!
Panel 7 (the woman, hopeful):
Woman: If you could just shut up your human voices for one week, you could rule the galaxy!
Zorblaxian: Heh.
Panel 8:
Woman: So you're saying we're special because we're so clever...
Zorblaxian: AAAGH!
(small figures struggle in the distance)
Votey:
The green alien, looking deranged with wide eyes and gritted teeth, says: "Fuck it. Time to eat them."
Woman: We humans keep thinking we're special. Only to find out we're not. We have language. So do birds. We have culture. So do monkeys.
Woman: What do Zorblaxians think is special about humans?
Panel 2 (a green alien, the Zorblaxian, replies):
Zorblaxian: On Zorblax, we call humans "the apes with reasons." You unique among life have stupid reasons for everything.
Panel 3:
Zorblaxian: Your behavior is not in any important way distinct from, say, a squirrel, or a rat. But, unlike the rat, you imagine your behavior holds some meaning beyond its proximate effect.
Panel 4:
Zorblaxian: You kill rivals for resources, but you write songs and essays about why it's complicated and important. Your eating habits, lasting alliances based largely on mutual utility, but you attach a whole philosophy of love and friendship to it.
Panel 5:
Zorblaxian: You can barely even have sex without imagining a mental romance novel!
Panel 6:
Zorblaxian: Humans have FAR more mental processing power than any species in the universe, but 98% of it goes to incorrectly understanding your own behaviors!
Panel 7 (the woman, hopeful):
Woman: If you could just shut up your human voices for one week, you could rule the galaxy!
Zorblaxian: Heh.
Panel 8:
Woman: So you're saying we're special because we're so clever...
Zorblaxian: AAAGH!
(small figures struggle in the distance)
Votey:
The green alien, looking deranged with wide eyes and gritted teeth, says: "Fuck it. Time to eat them."
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A woman talks with a green alien (a Zorblaxian). She notes humans keep thinking they're special only to find they're not—they have language, but so do birds; culture, but so do monkeys—and asks what Zorblaxians think is special about humans. The alien explains that on Zorblax humans are called "the apes with reasons": uniquely among life, humans have stupid reasons for everything. Their behavior is no more distinct than a squirrel's or rat's, but unlike a rat, humans imagine their behavior holds meaning beyond its proximate effect. They kill rivals for resources but write songs and essays about why it's complicated; their alliances are based on mutual utility but they attach whole philosophies of love and friendship; they can't even have sex without imagining a romance novel. Humans have far more mental processing power than any species in the universe, but 98% of it goes to incorrectly understanding their own behavior. The woman, missing the insult, says hopefully that if humans could just shut up their inner voices for a week they could rule the galaxy. The alien says "Heh." She continues, "So you're saying we're special because we're so clever..." and the alien lets out an exasperated "AAAGH!" as tiny figures scuffle in the distance. Votey: a close-up of the green alien, now wide-eyed and snarling with teeth bared, saying in a speech bubble, "Fuck it. Time to eat them."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.