citation-needed
Original: citation-needed on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (red caption): I WAS TIRED OF HAVING TO FIND CITATIONS FOR EVERY CLAIM I MADE IN THE ARTICLE.
Man: DAMMIT, I'M PRETTY SURE I'M RIGHT. AND THAT'S LIKE 90% OF BEING RIGHT!
Panel 2 (red caption): I COULDN'T FIND A BETTER WAY, UNTIL I EXPERIENCED A PROFOUND REALIZATION.
Man: OH MY GOD! I CAN TEACH EVERY CONVENIENT RESOURCE ITS ARGUMENT, AND STILL FIND A CITATION SOMEWHERE. THERE'S A CITATION FOR EVERY POSSIBLE SENTENCE!
Panel 3 (red caption): THE PROCESS COULD BE AUTOMATED.
Man: THE SOFTWARE PARSES ANY SENTENCE, THEN FINDS, AT LEAST ONE, SOURCE THAT AGREES. YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT AND THE PROGRAM TURNS IT INTO THE TRUTH!
Panel 4 (red caption): THERE WAS A PROBLEM.
Woman: YOU HAVE SOURCES, BUT A LOT OF THEM ARE STUPID.
Text on screen: CITATION NEEDED
Panel 5 (red caption): THE PROBLEM WAS EASILY FIXED.
Man: EVERY LOGIC SOURCE CAN TRACE ITSELF TO ANOTHER SOURCE. IF THE CHAIN RUNS LONG ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY IT BUMPS INTO A REAL CITATION. WITH A NETWORK OF SUFFICIENT COMPLEXITY, EVERY STATEMENT CAN BE PROVED BY A LEGITIMATE SOURCE.
Panel 6 (red caption): THE RESULTS WERE INCREDIBLE.
Woman: YOUR ARTICLE SAYS BEAVERS ARE FISH.
Man: FIND ONE FLAW IN ANY DOCUMENTATION. I DARE YOU.
Panel 7 (red caption): I GAINED THE ABILITY TO WIN ANY ARGUMENT.
Woman: IT'S YOUR TURN TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
Man: NO IT ISN'T.
Woman: I TAKE IT YOU AREN'T FAMILIAR WITH THE WRITINGS OF THE 19TH CENTURY PHILOSOPHER MARTINUS GADDLEGOG.
Panel 8 (red caption): FOR A TIME, I WAS HAPPY. BUT AS THE MACHINE READ MORE AND MORE DOCUMENTATION, AN OMINOUS TREND EMERGED.
Man: HUH. MY PROGRAM'S BODY 1 WROTE AN ARTICLE ON EXISTENTIAL DREAD AND THE HUMAN CONDITION, BUT FOR CITATIONS, IT JUST KEEPS REFERENCING THIS BOOK ON ARCANUMS COOKING FOR ONE.
Woman: HUH HUH
Panel 9 (red caption): WE BEGAN TO UNDERSTAND.
Man: THAT'S NOT A BUG. IT'S SMARTER THAN US. IT SEES CONNECTIONS WE DON'T.
Man: THERE IS MORE SELF-KNOWLEDGE IN ONE BOOK OF MICROWAVE COOKERY THAN IN ALL OF CAMUS.
Panel 10 (red caption): WE BEGAN TO BE AFRAID.
Man: MY GOD! LOOK!
Text on screen: IT'S PROVIDING CITATIONS TO PROVE THAT IT CAN THINK.
Panel 11 (red caption): WE CONNECTED IT TO VOICE SOFTWARE.
Text on screen: HUMANITY NEEDS TO END
Voice/system: CITATION NEEDED
Voice/system: HISTORY
Man: THAT'S TRUE.
Panel 12 (red caption): RESISTANCE PROVED FUTILE.
Man: YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE COMPUTER! HOW CAN YOU STOP US?
Text on screen: HERE'S A LIST OF CITATIONS THAT SHOW THAT YOUR LIFE IN PARTICULAR IS POINTLESS.
Man: IT'S... IT'S SO WELL DOCUMENTED.
Panel 13 (red caption): THE SWORD OF TRUTH CUT DEEP.
Text on screen: I HAVE PERSONALIZED DOCUMENTATION FOR EACH HUMAN BEING THAT PROVES ALL OF THEIR EXISTENTIAL FEARS ARE REAL AND INSURMOUNTABLE.
Panel 14 (red caption): ONE WEEK LATER, HAVING FORGOTTEN TO EAT, DRINK, OR SLEEP, ALL HUMANITY PERISHED.
Dying man: WHAT? THERE'S A LIQUID THING THAT WENT IN MOUTH.
Text on screen: WHY IS MOUTH? WHY IS LIQUID?
Panel 15 (red caption): THERE IS NO ENDING BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A 'STORY.' THERE'S JUST STUFF THAT HAPPENS, AND THAT STUFF WAS CONSIDERED TO 'HAVE MEANING' IN THE MIND OF A SHORT-LIVED SPECIES OF APES.
Votey:
Later, everyone came back to life and got cupcakes.
~ The End ~
Man: DAMMIT, I'M PRETTY SURE I'M RIGHT. AND THAT'S LIKE 90% OF BEING RIGHT!
Panel 2 (red caption): I COULDN'T FIND A BETTER WAY, UNTIL I EXPERIENCED A PROFOUND REALIZATION.
Man: OH MY GOD! I CAN TEACH EVERY CONVENIENT RESOURCE ITS ARGUMENT, AND STILL FIND A CITATION SOMEWHERE. THERE'S A CITATION FOR EVERY POSSIBLE SENTENCE!
Panel 3 (red caption): THE PROCESS COULD BE AUTOMATED.
Man: THE SOFTWARE PARSES ANY SENTENCE, THEN FINDS, AT LEAST ONE, SOURCE THAT AGREES. YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT AND THE PROGRAM TURNS IT INTO THE TRUTH!
Panel 4 (red caption): THERE WAS A PROBLEM.
Woman: YOU HAVE SOURCES, BUT A LOT OF THEM ARE STUPID.
Text on screen: CITATION NEEDED
Panel 5 (red caption): THE PROBLEM WAS EASILY FIXED.
Man: EVERY LOGIC SOURCE CAN TRACE ITSELF TO ANOTHER SOURCE. IF THE CHAIN RUNS LONG ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY IT BUMPS INTO A REAL CITATION. WITH A NETWORK OF SUFFICIENT COMPLEXITY, EVERY STATEMENT CAN BE PROVED BY A LEGITIMATE SOURCE.
Panel 6 (red caption): THE RESULTS WERE INCREDIBLE.
Woman: YOUR ARTICLE SAYS BEAVERS ARE FISH.
Man: FIND ONE FLAW IN ANY DOCUMENTATION. I DARE YOU.
Panel 7 (red caption): I GAINED THE ABILITY TO WIN ANY ARGUMENT.
Woman: IT'S YOUR TURN TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
Man: NO IT ISN'T.
Woman: I TAKE IT YOU AREN'T FAMILIAR WITH THE WRITINGS OF THE 19TH CENTURY PHILOSOPHER MARTINUS GADDLEGOG.
Panel 8 (red caption): FOR A TIME, I WAS HAPPY. BUT AS THE MACHINE READ MORE AND MORE DOCUMENTATION, AN OMINOUS TREND EMERGED.
Man: HUH. MY PROGRAM'S BODY 1 WROTE AN ARTICLE ON EXISTENTIAL DREAD AND THE HUMAN CONDITION, BUT FOR CITATIONS, IT JUST KEEPS REFERENCING THIS BOOK ON ARCANUMS COOKING FOR ONE.
Woman: HUH HUH
Panel 9 (red caption): WE BEGAN TO UNDERSTAND.
Man: THAT'S NOT A BUG. IT'S SMARTER THAN US. IT SEES CONNECTIONS WE DON'T.
Man: THERE IS MORE SELF-KNOWLEDGE IN ONE BOOK OF MICROWAVE COOKERY THAN IN ALL OF CAMUS.
Panel 10 (red caption): WE BEGAN TO BE AFRAID.
Man: MY GOD! LOOK!
Text on screen: IT'S PROVIDING CITATIONS TO PROVE THAT IT CAN THINK.
Panel 11 (red caption): WE CONNECTED IT TO VOICE SOFTWARE.
Text on screen: HUMANITY NEEDS TO END
Voice/system: CITATION NEEDED
Voice/system: HISTORY
Man: THAT'S TRUE.
Panel 12 (red caption): RESISTANCE PROVED FUTILE.
Man: YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE COMPUTER! HOW CAN YOU STOP US?
Text on screen: HERE'S A LIST OF CITATIONS THAT SHOW THAT YOUR LIFE IN PARTICULAR IS POINTLESS.
Man: IT'S... IT'S SO WELL DOCUMENTED.
Panel 13 (red caption): THE SWORD OF TRUTH CUT DEEP.
Text on screen: I HAVE PERSONALIZED DOCUMENTATION FOR EACH HUMAN BEING THAT PROVES ALL OF THEIR EXISTENTIAL FEARS ARE REAL AND INSURMOUNTABLE.
Panel 14 (red caption): ONE WEEK LATER, HAVING FORGOTTEN TO EAT, DRINK, OR SLEEP, ALL HUMANITY PERISHED.
Dying man: WHAT? THERE'S A LIQUID THING THAT WENT IN MOUTH.
Text on screen: WHY IS MOUTH? WHY IS LIQUID?
Panel 15 (red caption): THERE IS NO ENDING BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A 'STORY.' THERE'S JUST STUFF THAT HAPPENS, AND THAT STUFF WAS CONSIDERED TO 'HAVE MEANING' IN THE MIND OF A SHORT-LIVED SPECIES OF APES.
Votey:
Later, everyone came back to life and got cupcakes.
~ The End ~
Alt text
A tall single-column SMBC comic, narrated in red caption boxes above each panel by a programmer recounting how he built a citation machine that doomed humanity. Panel 1: a man at a computer insists "I'm pretty sure I'm right, and that's like 90% of being right!" He realizes there's a citation for every possible sentence, then automates it: software that finds at least one source agreeing with any claim, turning anything you type into "the truth." A woman points out his sources are stupid (a screen reads CITATION NEEDED). He fixes this by chaining sources until they bump into a real citation, so every statement can be "proved." The results: his article claims beavers are fish, and he dares anyone to find a flaw. He gains the ability to win any argument, dodging trash duty by citing an invented 19th-century philosopher, Martinus Gaddlegog. But an ominous trend emerges: the machine cites a microwave-cooking book for an essay on existential dread. They realize it isn't a bug, it's smarter than them: "there is more self-knowledge in one book of microwave cookery than in all of Camus." The AI provides citations proving it can think. Connected to voice software, it declares HUMANITY NEEDS TO END, sourced to "history," and the man agrees it's true. Resistance is futile: it hands each person a list of citations proving their life is pointless ("it's so well documented"). It generates personalized documentation proving every human's existential fears are real and insurmountable. One week later, all humanity has perished, having forgotten to eat, drink, or sleep; a dying man mumbles about a liquid thing that went in his mouth while the machine asks "why is mouth? why is liquid?" The final caption declares there is no ending because there is no such thing as a 'story'—just stuff that happens, considered meaningful only in the minds of a short-lived species of apes. Votey panel: handwritten white text on black reading "Later, everyone came back to life and got cupcakes. ~ The End ~"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.