douchey-life-forms
Original: douchey-life-forms on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Two people stand outside at night under a starry sky: a dark-skinned person with short hair (referred to here as the first person) and a person with orange/red hair in a pink jacket (the second person).
Panel 1:
First person: Do you think there is other douchey life in the universe?
Panel 2:
Second person: I mean, sure there must be life in those trillions of planets. Some of it MUST be intelligent. But, you really have to have a species that's right at the interface of sociality and self-interestedness to achieve douchey behavior.
Panel 3:
First person: I think it might be common. Some monkeys are douchey.
Second person: Whoa, HEY. Those monkeys exhibit douche-LIKE behavior.
Panel 4:
Second person: Oh, they may occupy a few lower floors in the tower of douchery. That I grant. But, humans are QUALITATIVELY different.
Panel 5:
First person: Can you really gaze up at the infinite vault of heaven and not conceive that somewhere out there there is someone being a colossal shithead?
Panel 6:
(Silent panel: a shooting star streaks across the night sky; the two figures look up at it from below.)
Panel 7:
First person: It is only man's arrogance that lets him think he is alone in his douchitude.
Second person: Amen.
Votey:
A wide-eyed, startled-looking blob/ghost-like figure with an open mouth stands amid flames, with a speech bubble reading: "FUCK BITCHES"
Panel 1:
First person: Do you think there is other douchey life in the universe?
Panel 2:
Second person: I mean, sure there must be life in those trillions of planets. Some of it MUST be intelligent. But, you really have to have a species that's right at the interface of sociality and self-interestedness to achieve douchey behavior.
Panel 3:
First person: I think it might be common. Some monkeys are douchey.
Second person: Whoa, HEY. Those monkeys exhibit douche-LIKE behavior.
Panel 4:
Second person: Oh, they may occupy a few lower floors in the tower of douchery. That I grant. But, humans are QUALITATIVELY different.
Panel 5:
First person: Can you really gaze up at the infinite vault of heaven and not conceive that somewhere out there there is someone being a colossal shithead?
Panel 6:
(Silent panel: a shooting star streaks across the night sky; the two figures look up at it from below.)
Panel 7:
First person: It is only man's arrogance that lets him think he is alone in his douchitude.
Second person: Amen.
Votey:
A wide-eyed, startled-looking blob/ghost-like figure with an open mouth stands amid flames, with a speech bubble reading: "FUCK BITCHES"
Alt text
A seven-panel SMBC comic. Two people stand outside at night under a star-filled sky—one dark-skinned with short hair, one with orange hair and a pink jacket. They debate, in the cadence of a reverent discussion about extraterrestrial life, whether there is 'other douchey life in the universe.' One argues that intelligent life must exist among trillions of planets but that achieving true 'douchey behavior' requires a species perfectly balanced 'at the interface of sociality and self-interestedness.' The other suggests it's common—'some monkeys are douchey'—but is corrected that monkeys merely exhibit 'douche-LIKE behavior,' occupying only 'a few lower floors in the tower of douchery,' while humans are 'qualitatively different.' In a panel showing a shooting star streak across the heavens, one asks whether you can 'gaze up at the infinite vault of heaven and not conceive that somewhere out there there is someone being a colossal shithead?' The comic closes solemnly: 'It is only man's arrogance that lets him think he is alone in his douchitude.' 'Amen.' Votey (bonus panel): a startled, wide-eyed blob-like figure stands amid flames, exclaiming in a speech bubble, 'FUCK BITCHES.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.