chaper-drone
Original: chaper-drone on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Woman with dark bobbed hair and glasses: I know you don't want a chaperone for your date tonight, so I've found a compromise.
Panel 2
Woman: Instead of going myself, I'm sending this innocuous swarm of quadcopters.
Panel 3
Woman: Although they will record your conversations, your ambient conditions, and a variety of biostatistics, I will not be allowed direct access to that information.
Panel 4
Woman: I will only get metadata and the ability to perform keyword searches.
Panel 5
Woman: That information will be analyzed by a third party service in order to determine whether she's growing up 'too fast.' And, if so, the likelihood of an unwanted pregnancy.
Panel 6
Woman: And suppose the likelihood appears high?
Woman (continuing): The swarm will emit this boner-melting hologram of a shaved orangutan.
Panel 7
Daughter (a woman with dark hair): How did society simultaneously get more permissive and more oppressive.
Panel 8
Mother: But I'm letting you wear whatever you like!
Votey:
A helmeted figure (left) says to another person (right): I should tell you... I have an orangutan fetish.
Woman with dark bobbed hair and glasses: I know you don't want a chaperone for your date tonight, so I've found a compromise.
Panel 2
Woman: Instead of going myself, I'm sending this innocuous swarm of quadcopters.
Panel 3
Woman: Although they will record your conversations, your ambient conditions, and a variety of biostatistics, I will not be allowed direct access to that information.
Panel 4
Woman: I will only get metadata and the ability to perform keyword searches.
Panel 5
Woman: That information will be analyzed by a third party service in order to determine whether she's growing up 'too fast.' And, if so, the likelihood of an unwanted pregnancy.
Panel 6
Woman: And suppose the likelihood appears high?
Woman (continuing): The swarm will emit this boner-melting hologram of a shaved orangutan.
Panel 7
Daughter (a woman with dark hair): How did society simultaneously get more permissive and more oppressive.
Panel 8
Mother: But I'm letting you wear whatever you like!
Votey:
A helmeted figure (left) says to another person (right): I should tell you... I have an orangutan fetish.
Alt text
An eight-panel black-and-white SMBC comic. A mother with a dark bob and glasses calmly explains an elaborate surveillance plan to her daughter as a compromise for not chaperoning her date. Instead of going herself, she will send an 'innocuous swarm of quadcopters' that records conversations, ambient conditions, and biostatistics. She insists she won't get direct access, only metadata and keyword searches, with a third-party service analyzing whether the daughter is 'growing up too fast' and the likelihood of unwanted pregnancy. If that likelihood is high, the swarm will emit a 'boner-melting hologram of a shaved orangutan.' The daughter asks how society simultaneously got more permissive and more oppressive; the mother brightly replies, 'But I'm letting you wear whatever you like!' Votey (aftercomic): a simple line drawing of a helmeted figure confessing to a startled-looking person, 'I should tell you... I have an orangutan fetish' — implying the deterrent hologram would not work on him.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.