shark-attacks
Original: shark-attacks on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (narration over a shark with open jaws): People are more afraid of shark attacks than of car accidents, despite the fact that car wrecks are millions of times more likely.
Panel 2 (a bearded man speaking, gesturing): This shows that, as a nation, we've failed to educate our citizens on statistics. But we, at the Department of Education, are prepared to solve the problem.
Panel 3 (continued): In order to remove the disconnect between belief and reality, we will be working with a consortium of marine biologists to drastically increase the number of shark attacks.
Panel 4 (line graph titled with two trend lines): For just a few million dollars, we can invest in a supercalculative system that will output 100,000 sharks per year. The rising line is labeled SHARKS; the flat low line is labeled PEOPLE. (x-axis and y-axis unlabeled.)
Panel 5 (a military truck/jeep loaded with sharks, a tank-like cargo of finned creatures): Once they have reached adulthood, we can transport them in modified military surplus jeeps to facilitate inland attacks. A banner on the truck reads: WELCOME OHIO!
Panel 6 (a shark dropped/parachuting from above): And, using off-the-shelf quadcopters, we can air-drop them to critically undersharked nations, like Switzerland and Nigeria. The shark says: AMERICA IS HERE TO HELP!
Panel 7 (the bearded man again, with a small skeptical figure): By this simple means, we can make most of the population statistically correct within five years.
Panel 8: Small figure asks: What if we tried educating people? Man replies: Have you met people?
Votey: A wordless close-up of a shark's open, jagged-toothed mouth lunging toward the viewer.
Panel 2 (a bearded man speaking, gesturing): This shows that, as a nation, we've failed to educate our citizens on statistics. But we, at the Department of Education, are prepared to solve the problem.
Panel 3 (continued): In order to remove the disconnect between belief and reality, we will be working with a consortium of marine biologists to drastically increase the number of shark attacks.
Panel 4 (line graph titled with two trend lines): For just a few million dollars, we can invest in a supercalculative system that will output 100,000 sharks per year. The rising line is labeled SHARKS; the flat low line is labeled PEOPLE. (x-axis and y-axis unlabeled.)
Panel 5 (a military truck/jeep loaded with sharks, a tank-like cargo of finned creatures): Once they have reached adulthood, we can transport them in modified military surplus jeeps to facilitate inland attacks. A banner on the truck reads: WELCOME OHIO!
Panel 6 (a shark dropped/parachuting from above): And, using off-the-shelf quadcopters, we can air-drop them to critically undersharked nations, like Switzerland and Nigeria. The shark says: AMERICA IS HERE TO HELP!
Panel 7 (the bearded man again, with a small skeptical figure): By this simple means, we can make most of the population statistically correct within five years.
Panel 8: Small figure asks: What if we tried educating people? Man replies: Have you met people?
Votey: A wordless close-up of a shark's open, jagged-toothed mouth lunging toward the viewer.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. Panel 1: a shark with open jaws, with narration that people fear shark attacks more than car accidents even though car wrecks are millions of times more likely. Panel 2: a bearded man from the Department of Education says this proves the nation has failed to educate citizens on statistics, but they're prepared to solve it. Panel 3: he explains that to close the gap between belief and reality, they'll work with marine biologists to drastically increase the number of shark attacks. Panel 4: a line graph with a steeply rising line labeled SHARKS and a flat low line labeled PEOPLE; he proposes a 'supercalculative system' producing 100,000 sharks per year for a few million dollars. Panel 5: a military surplus jeep loaded with sharks, banner reading 'WELCOME OHIO!', to facilitate inland attacks. Panel 6: a shark air-dropped by quadcopter into 'critically undersharked' nations like Switzerland and Nigeria, the shark saying 'AMERICA IS HERE TO HELP!'. Panel 7: the man claims this will make most of the population statistically correct within five years. Panel 8: a small skeptical figure asks 'What if we tried educating people?' and he replies 'Have you met people?'. The joke: rather than teach statistics, the plan is to manufacture enough shark attacks to make people's fears accurate. Votey: a wordless close-up of a shark's open, jagged-toothed mouth lunging at the viewer.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.