profits-and-process
Original: profits-and-process on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): As elections became more money-driven, a problem arose.
Narration: According to our study, you can make millions of dollars by running as a third-tier presidential candidate.
Panel 2 (caption): The benefits proved irresistible.
Narration: Currently, 23% of candidates are running explicitly to get book sales. Next time, it'll be 45%. Within ten years, the only people actually running for president will be hipsters doing it ironically.
Panel 3 (caption): A strange incentive structure was created.
Man (with raised arm): Ha ha ha... actually I have no chance of winning.
Man (eyes wide): Oh god. What if I am not taking a pay cut!
Panel 4 (caption): A new form of competition was born.
Man: Sir, the lead candidate just said all immigrants are pedophiles.
Woman: How horrible. How do I top that?
Panel 5 (caption): A completely novel style of rhetoric came into fashion.
Man (gesturing): You know what's wrong with this country?! Registered voters!
Panel 6 (caption): As candidates became more relentlessly self-destructive, it became harder and harder to pick the least bad ones.
Figure: This one got all majorities should be killed. That one said all minorities should be turned into food. So... I guess the second one is being more environmentally friendly?
Panel 7 (caption): Disenchantment swept the nation.
Narration: This year, only 7% of eligible voters went to the polls.
Man at desk: You mean 17 percent, right?
Woman: I do not.
Panel 8 (caption): Soon, exactly one voter remained.
Woman: Humiliate me! Do it!
Panel 9 (caption): This is what democracy looks like.
Man: Lick the boot, loser!
Woman: Taste the lash, piggy!
Woman: More! More!
Votey:
Woman: Make me watch cable news!
Narration: According to our study, you can make millions of dollars by running as a third-tier presidential candidate.
Panel 2 (caption): The benefits proved irresistible.
Narration: Currently, 23% of candidates are running explicitly to get book sales. Next time, it'll be 45%. Within ten years, the only people actually running for president will be hipsters doing it ironically.
Panel 3 (caption): A strange incentive structure was created.
Man (with raised arm): Ha ha ha... actually I have no chance of winning.
Man (eyes wide): Oh god. What if I am not taking a pay cut!
Panel 4 (caption): A new form of competition was born.
Man: Sir, the lead candidate just said all immigrants are pedophiles.
Woman: How horrible. How do I top that?
Panel 5 (caption): A completely novel style of rhetoric came into fashion.
Man (gesturing): You know what's wrong with this country?! Registered voters!
Panel 6 (caption): As candidates became more relentlessly self-destructive, it became harder and harder to pick the least bad ones.
Figure: This one got all majorities should be killed. That one said all minorities should be turned into food. So... I guess the second one is being more environmentally friendly?
Panel 7 (caption): Disenchantment swept the nation.
Narration: This year, only 7% of eligible voters went to the polls.
Man at desk: You mean 17 percent, right?
Woman: I do not.
Panel 8 (caption): Soon, exactly one voter remained.
Woman: Humiliate me! Do it!
Panel 9 (caption): This is what democracy looks like.
Man: Lick the boot, loser!
Woman: Taste the lash, piggy!
Woman: More! More!
Votey:
Woman: Make me watch cable news!
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic told through captions describing the decline of democracy. Panel 1: A dark-skinned woman in glasses stands beside a caption, 'As elections became more money-driven, a problem arose,' with narration that you can make millions running as a third-tier presidential candidate. Panel 2: 'The benefits proved irresistible' — narration predicts soon only hipsters will run for president ironically. Panel 3: A surprised man in a suit, eyes wide, realizes 'Oh god. What if I am not taking a pay cut!' as candidates compete to lose. Panel 4: A man tells a woman the lead candidate called all immigrants pedophiles; she replies, 'How horrible. How do I top that?' Panel 5: A man gestures wildly, shouting 'You know what's wrong with this country?! Registered voters!' Panel 6: A figure at a computer weighs two horrible candidates, one wanting majorities killed, one wanting minorities turned into food, deciding the second is 'more environmentally friendly.' Panel 7: Two office workers note voter turnout has collapsed to 7%. Panel 8: A blonde woman cries 'Humiliate me! Do it!' as one voter remains. Panel 9 ('This is what democracy looks like'): a man and woman demean each other, 'Lick the boot, loser!' / 'Taste the lash, piggy!' / 'More! More!' Votey: A close-up of a woman's face begging into a speech bubble, 'Make me watch cable news!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.