all-hail-glornak
Original: all-hail-glornak on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
A muscular, long-haired barbarian hero (here described as Glormak) raises a sword and addresses a crowd of villagers.
Glormak: "People of the valley! I, Glormak, have slain the evil king who ruled before! I will now watch over you!"
Villager: "What policies will change?"
Panel 2:
Glormak: "Well, for starters, no evil king. Only good king Glormak!"
Villager: "Will you lower our crushing tax burden?"
Panel 3:
Glormak: "Yes, probably. We have to rebuild the castle I destroyed when I defeated the evil king."
Villager: "Do we have freedom of assembly?"
Glormak: "Of course."
Panel 4:
Glormak: "Just... you can't pass laws because Glormak is the law and no rabble-rousing."
Villager: "Actually, come to think of it, you can assemble, but not in groups."
Panel 5:
Villager: "Will you at least overturn the king's right of prima nocta, where the king gets to sleep with every bride?"
Glormak: "What?! You guys put up with that?"
Villager: "For generations."
Panel 6:
Glormak: "Well, I want to make sure I respect traditional cultural institutions."
Villager (small text): "*sigh*"
Glormak: "NO SIGHING."
Votey:
Close-up on Glormak's stern, glaring face.
Glormak: "OR MURMURING!"
A muscular, long-haired barbarian hero (here described as Glormak) raises a sword and addresses a crowd of villagers.
Glormak: "People of the valley! I, Glormak, have slain the evil king who ruled before! I will now watch over you!"
Villager: "What policies will change?"
Panel 2:
Glormak: "Well, for starters, no evil king. Only good king Glormak!"
Villager: "Will you lower our crushing tax burden?"
Panel 3:
Glormak: "Yes, probably. We have to rebuild the castle I destroyed when I defeated the evil king."
Villager: "Do we have freedom of assembly?"
Glormak: "Of course."
Panel 4:
Glormak: "Just... you can't pass laws because Glormak is the law and no rabble-rousing."
Villager: "Actually, come to think of it, you can assemble, but not in groups."
Panel 5:
Villager: "Will you at least overturn the king's right of prima nocta, where the king gets to sleep with every bride?"
Glormak: "What?! You guys put up with that?"
Villager: "For generations."
Panel 6:
Glormak: "Well, I want to make sure I respect traditional cultural institutions."
Villager (small text): "*sigh*"
Glormak: "NO SIGHING."
Votey:
Close-up on Glormak's stern, glaring face.
Glormak: "OR MURMURING!"
Alt text
A six-panel SMBC comic. A muscular, long-haired barbarian hero declares to a crowd of villagers that he has slain the evil king who ruled before and will now watch over them. The villagers ask hopeful questions about what will change: will he lower their crushing tax burden, do they have freedom of assembly, will he overturn the king's right to sleep with every bride. The hero's answers steadily reveal he is just as authoritarian: taxes stay high to rebuild the castle he destroyed, you can assemble but not in groups, you can't pass laws because he is the law, and he wants to respect that 'traditional cultural institution' of the king bedding every bride, even though he's shocked the villagers tolerated it. In the final panel a villager quietly sighs, and the hero barks 'NO SIGHING.' Votey aftercomic: an extreme close-up on the hero's stern, glaring face as he adds, 'OR MURMURING!' The joke is that a 'liberating' conqueror turns out to be every bit as tyrannical as the regime he overthrew.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.