humans-are-amazing
Original: humans-are-amazing on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (in space, an alien spaceship near Earth):
Alien (off-ship, broadcasting): HUMANS ARE AMAZING!
Panel 2 (an alien sitting and talking):
Alien: THEY WALK AROUND ALL DAY ATTRIBUTING CONSCIOUSNESS TO EVERYTHING.
Alien: STUPID JERKASS CURB! AND YOU HARLEY! WHY YOU GOTTA ROLL LIKE THAT!?
Panel 3 (two humans, one watching a screen):
Narration/Alien: LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF MATED HUMANS! THEY HAVE NAMED AND PERSONIFIED ALL OF EACH OTHER'S SEXUAL CHARACTERISTICS!
Human: CAN BATMAN SAY HI TO THE TWINS?
Panel 4 (an alien in shadow):
Alien: IF YOU FOLLOW A HUMAN ALL DAY IT WILL LITERALLY ATTRIBUTE CONSCIOUSNESS TO A THOUSAND THINGS! IT WILL YELL AT ITS COMPUTER. IT WILL SMILE AT THE MOON! IT WILL SPEAK TO A GRAVE!
Panel 5 (two aliens conversing):
First alien: ARE THEY CONSCIOUS?
Second alien: NOT REALLY. NO. THEIR BEHAVIOR IS LARGELY CHEMICAL IN ORIGIN. BUT AND THIS IS THE FUNNIEST PART, THEY ATTRIBUTE CONSCIOUSNESS TO THEMSELVES!
Panel 6 (an alien gestures toward a human figure):
Alien: BAHAHA! IT'S LIKE A BOOK THINKING IT KNOWS THINGS BECAUSE THERE ARE WORDS WRITTEN ON IT!
Human: HAHAHA! HA. OH GEE WERE YOU THERE THE WHOLE TIME, LARRY?
Panel 7 (aliens, final main panel):
Alien: IT'S OKAY.
Alien: THEY "ONLY THINK" THEY FEEL ANGUISH.
Votey:
A human face with a thought bubble reading: "The Universe hates me"
Alien (off-ship, broadcasting): HUMANS ARE AMAZING!
Panel 2 (an alien sitting and talking):
Alien: THEY WALK AROUND ALL DAY ATTRIBUTING CONSCIOUSNESS TO EVERYTHING.
Alien: STUPID JERKASS CURB! AND YOU HARLEY! WHY YOU GOTTA ROLL LIKE THAT!?
Panel 3 (two humans, one watching a screen):
Narration/Alien: LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF MATED HUMANS! THEY HAVE NAMED AND PERSONIFIED ALL OF EACH OTHER'S SEXUAL CHARACTERISTICS!
Human: CAN BATMAN SAY HI TO THE TWINS?
Panel 4 (an alien in shadow):
Alien: IF YOU FOLLOW A HUMAN ALL DAY IT WILL LITERALLY ATTRIBUTE CONSCIOUSNESS TO A THOUSAND THINGS! IT WILL YELL AT ITS COMPUTER. IT WILL SMILE AT THE MOON! IT WILL SPEAK TO A GRAVE!
Panel 5 (two aliens conversing):
First alien: ARE THEY CONSCIOUS?
Second alien: NOT REALLY. NO. THEIR BEHAVIOR IS LARGELY CHEMICAL IN ORIGIN. BUT AND THIS IS THE FUNNIEST PART, THEY ATTRIBUTE CONSCIOUSNESS TO THEMSELVES!
Panel 6 (an alien gestures toward a human figure):
Alien: BAHAHA! IT'S LIKE A BOOK THINKING IT KNOWS THINGS BECAUSE THERE ARE WORDS WRITTEN ON IT!
Human: HAHAHA! HA. OH GEE WERE YOU THERE THE WHOLE TIME, LARRY?
Panel 7 (aliens, final main panel):
Alien: IT'S OKAY.
Alien: THEY "ONLY THINK" THEY FEEL ANGUISH.
Votey:
A human face with a thought bubble reading: "The Universe hates me"
Alt text
A tall vertical SMBC comic. In space, aliens observe Earth and marvel that humans are amazing. One alien explains that humans walk around all day attributing consciousness to everything, mock-scolding a curb and something named Harley for how they 'roll.' Aliens watch a video of two mated humans; one human asks 'Can Batman say hi to the twins?' as the aliens note humans have named and personified all of each other's sexual characteristics. A shadowed alien observes that a human will attribute consciousness to a thousand things, yelling at its computer, smiling at the moon, and speaking to a grave. Two aliens discuss whether humans are conscious: the answer is 'not really,' their behavior being largely chemical in origin, and the funniest part is that they attribute consciousness to themselves, like a book thinking it knows things because words are written on it. A human laughs along nervously, asking 'were you there the whole time, Larry?' The final main panel: an alien reassures another, 'It's okay. They only think they feel anguish.' Votey: a hand-drawn human face stares blankly with a thought bubble reading 'The Universe hates me.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.