the-life-of-a-puppet
Original: the-life-of-a-puppet on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: Pinocchio was cursed so that his nose would grow whenever he lied.
Panel 2:
Narration: This is actually a pretty easily managed curse, if you just phrase all statements so broadly that they can't be false.
A bully (boy): Pinocchio, do you bully that boy at school?
Pinocchio: There are people who would dispute that perspective.
Panel 3:
Narration: You can also answer tough questions by just describing the current situation.
A girl: Pinocchio, did you egg my door?
Pinocchio: If you're accusing me of such a deed, I have nothing more to say.
Panel 4:
Narration: Or, you can reply to statements via questions with no inherent stance.
A woman: Pino, do you love me?
Pinocchio: How could I not?
Panel 5:
Narration: Cursed to never lie, Pinocchio ceased to interact with truth, even in safe situations.
A man: Sir, would you like any dessert?
Pinocchio: Dessert would be delicious.
Panel 6:
Narration: His political rise was magnificent.
Pinocchio (at a podium): Sixty-eaters are 0.5% of primary voters. We can't alienate them. If asked your stance on Pedophilia, I'll retreat into confusingly charming Southernisms.
Pinocchio: I like to say, if you see a bullfrog on a fencepost, somebody put him there.
Panel 7:
Narration: His associates found themselves unhappy, but this is only because he can't speak the truth to himself.
Pinocchio: Now that I'm President, I've won at life. I can have people killed. This is great.
An associate (woman): But "transcendence" was my girlfriend in college was talking about!
Pinocchio: It's great!
Panel 8:
Narration: Today, he is remembered as a great leader.
A woman (mourner): It was uncanny! World leaders loved him. Even enemies! There was just something about him for everyone.
Panel 9:
Narration: But great leaders often die poorly.
Pinocchio (in a hospital bed, dying): None of it ever meant anything to me.
Votey:
A wooden boy's head (Pinocchio) with wide, frightened eyes and an open mouth, a speech bubble above reading: JIMINY CRICKETS!
Narration: Pinocchio was cursed so that his nose would grow whenever he lied.
Panel 2:
Narration: This is actually a pretty easily managed curse, if you just phrase all statements so broadly that they can't be false.
A bully (boy): Pinocchio, do you bully that boy at school?
Pinocchio: There are people who would dispute that perspective.
Panel 3:
Narration: You can also answer tough questions by just describing the current situation.
A girl: Pinocchio, did you egg my door?
Pinocchio: If you're accusing me of such a deed, I have nothing more to say.
Panel 4:
Narration: Or, you can reply to statements via questions with no inherent stance.
A woman: Pino, do you love me?
Pinocchio: How could I not?
Panel 5:
Narration: Cursed to never lie, Pinocchio ceased to interact with truth, even in safe situations.
A man: Sir, would you like any dessert?
Pinocchio: Dessert would be delicious.
Panel 6:
Narration: His political rise was magnificent.
Pinocchio (at a podium): Sixty-eaters are 0.5% of primary voters. We can't alienate them. If asked your stance on Pedophilia, I'll retreat into confusingly charming Southernisms.
Pinocchio: I like to say, if you see a bullfrog on a fencepost, somebody put him there.
Panel 7:
Narration: His associates found themselves unhappy, but this is only because he can't speak the truth to himself.
Pinocchio: Now that I'm President, I've won at life. I can have people killed. This is great.
An associate (woman): But "transcendence" was my girlfriend in college was talking about!
Pinocchio: It's great!
Panel 8:
Narration: Today, he is remembered as a great leader.
A woman (mourner): It was uncanny! World leaders loved him. Even enemies! There was just something about him for everyone.
Panel 9:
Narration: But great leaders often die poorly.
Pinocchio (in a hospital bed, dying): None of it ever meant anything to me.
Votey:
A wooden boy's head (Pinocchio) with wide, frightened eyes and an open mouth, a speech bubble above reading: JIMINY CRICKETS!
Alt text
A tall black-and-white SMBC comic about Pinocchio, who is cursed so his nose grows whenever he lies. The narration explains he manages the curse by never saying anything falsifiable. In a series of panels he dodges direct questions: a boy asks if Pinocchio bullies him at school and Pinocchio replies "There are people who would dispute that perspective"; a girl asks if he egged her door and he says "If you're accusing me of such a deed, I have nothing more to say"; a woman asks "Pino, do you love me?" and he answers with a question, "How could I not?"; offered dessert, he says "Dessert would be delicious." The narration says that, cursed never to lie, Pinocchio stopped interacting with truth even in safe situations. He rises in politics, shown at a podium giving evasive, pandering non-answers and folksy Southernisms like "if you see a bullfrog on a fencepost, somebody put him there." After becoming President he privately gloats that he's won at life and can have people killed, distressing an associate. He is remembered as a great leader whom even enemies loved. In the final panel he lies dying in a hospital bed and says "None of it ever meant anything to me." Votey: a close-up of a wooden boy's (Pinocchio's) head with wide frightened eyes and open mouth, exclaiming in a speech bubble, "JIMINY CRICKETS!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.