2015-01-30
Original: 2015-01-30 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (a man praying, eyes closed):
Man: Dear Jesus, I don't really like church and a bunch of your rules are dull, but if I go to church a few times, I'm gonna skip all that stuff until right before I die. Then I'm gonna repent and go to heaven.
Panel 2 (a face responding, presumably God/Jesus):
God: I'll make you a deal. The odds of getting hit by a bus are about one in ten million. In exchange for believing in You about one ten millionth of the time, I'll cave to be absolved of sin in the case of bus-related death.
Panel 3 (the man, considering):
Man: What if you get hit by a bus before you can repent and change your ways?
Panel 4 (God responding):
God: Okay. Look at the truth. I'll believe in You. That's about 16 hours a year. So I'll give you Easter mass, Christmas mass, and whichever I want something really bad, which is what I was doing anyway.
Panel 5 (the man, gesturing):
Man: As my age-based mortality rate increases, I'll begin attending church at a commensurate rate until, late in life, I'll spend all day at church just to be safe.
Panel 6 (God):
God: Holy crap. This is why people get more religious over time.
Panel 7 (the man, looking up with a grin):
Man: Wow. Great omniscience up there, guy.
Votey:
A simple sketch of an angry face in the lower-left corner glaring as a large lightning bolt zaps down from the upper-right. The word "ZAP" is written along the bolt.
Man: Dear Jesus, I don't really like church and a bunch of your rules are dull, but if I go to church a few times, I'm gonna skip all that stuff until right before I die. Then I'm gonna repent and go to heaven.
Panel 2 (a face responding, presumably God/Jesus):
God: I'll make you a deal. The odds of getting hit by a bus are about one in ten million. In exchange for believing in You about one ten millionth of the time, I'll cave to be absolved of sin in the case of bus-related death.
Panel 3 (the man, considering):
Man: What if you get hit by a bus before you can repent and change your ways?
Panel 4 (God responding):
God: Okay. Look at the truth. I'll believe in You. That's about 16 hours a year. So I'll give you Easter mass, Christmas mass, and whichever I want something really bad, which is what I was doing anyway.
Panel 5 (the man, gesturing):
Man: As my age-based mortality rate increases, I'll begin attending church at a commensurate rate until, late in life, I'll spend all day at church just to be safe.
Panel 6 (God):
God: Holy crap. This is why people get more religious over time.
Panel 7 (the man, looking up with a grin):
Man: Wow. Great omniscience up there, guy.
Votey:
A simple sketch of an angry face in the lower-left corner glaring as a large lightning bolt zaps down from the upper-right. The word "ZAP" is written along the bolt.
Alt text
A seven-panel SMBC comic. A man prays to Jesus/God, openly admitting he doesn't like church and plans to skip it, then repent right before he dies to get into heaven. God counter-negotiates: since the odds of dying suddenly (e.g. hit by a bus) are tiny, He proposes the man believe only that fraction of the time and be absolved in case of sudden death. The man and God haggle over how much belief is owed, with the man reasoning he'll attend church more and more as his mortality risk rises with age, spending all day at church late in life 'just to be safe.' God exclaims this is exactly why people get more religious as they age, and the man cheekily says 'Wow. Great omniscience up there, guy,' having out-argued God. Votey: a crude sketch of an angry face in the lower-left being struck by a giant lightning bolt labeled 'ZAP' from the upper-right — God smites the smug man.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.