2015-01-28
Original: 2015-01-28 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): EARLY REALITY TV WAS COMPLICATED AND EXPENSIVE.
Narrator: WE WILL PUT TWENTY PEOPLE ON AN ISLAND AND MAKE THEM COMPETE IN PHYSICAL CHALLENGES TO WIN BIG MONEY!
Panel 2 (caption): WRITERS AND PHILOSOPHERS PREDICTED A DYSTOPIC FUTURE.
Woman: SOON, WE'LL BE WATCHING FIGHTS TO THE DEATH FOR PRIZES. THAT'S WHERE THIS INEVITABLY GOES.
Panel 3 (caption): THEY WERE WRONG.
Narrator: ACCORDING TO THE SURVEY, PEOPLE LIKED WHEN MONEY WENT TO CHALLENGE-WINNERS, BUT LOVED WHEN WEATHER HAD ROB SQUABBLED OVER A SINGLE OREO.
Panel 4 (caption): WE THOUGHT IT WAS A CONSCIENCE.
Woman: SURELY PEOPLE WANT HIGH DRAMA, NOT PETTY SQUABBLING.
Panel 5 (caption): WE WERE WRONG.
Narrator: SEE HERE WHERE THEY FOUGHT OVER WHETHER THEY FOUGHT? PEOPLE ON OTHER CHANNELS SOMEHOW SENSED IT AND CHANGE OVER TO OUR LIVE FEED!
Panel 6 (caption): WE WERE ABSOLUTELY WRONG.
Narrator: THINK ABOUT IT! MOST PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER WHO KILLED HAMLET AFTER HE ACHIEVED A MEASURE OF CLARITY. BUT EVERYONE REMEMBERS HOW HE HAD A BIG FIGHT WITH HIS MOM OVER WHO SHE WAS SCREWING!
Panel 7 (caption): REALITY SHOWS WERE PARED DOWN MORE AND MORE.
Narrator: IN THIS EPISODE OF 'AMUSING HUMANS', WE WATCH TWO CHILDREN ARGUE OVER A CACK OF GUMMY WORMS.
Panel 8 (caption): THIS WAS NOT A CHANGE IN CULTURE. IT WAS A DISCOVERY.
Woman: PEOPLE ALWAYS SPENT 10% OF THEIR TIME ON POINTLESS NONSENSE. IT'S ONLY NOW THAT VIDEO EDITING IS CHEAP THAT WE CAN CONDENSE IT. YOU SEE? THIS IS THE ANIMAL EQUIVALENT TO THE DISCOVERY OF REFINED SUGAR.
Panel 9 (caption): THIS LED TO A NEW PROBLEM.
Narrator: IT USED TO BE THAT YOU COULD FILM TEN HOURS OF FOOTAGE AND GET THIRTY MINUTES OF AMUSING BEHAVIOR. BUT PEOPLE ARE SPENDING MORE TIME WATCHING REALITY TV ALONE NOW! SO YOU ONLY GET ABOUT FIVE MINUTES OF AMUSING BEHAVIOR FOR THE SAME HOUR.
Panel 10 (caption): A SOCIOLOGICAL LAW WAS DISCOVERED.
Man: THE MORE REALITY TV YOU MAKE, THE HARDER IT IS TO MAKE REALITY TV.
Panel 11 (caption): EVER MORE RESOURCES WERE SPENT ON VIDEO PRODUCTION.
Man: IF WE HIRE THREE CAMERA AT HUMAN HOME ALL THE TIME, WE CAN STILL PRODUCE A FULL LINEUP THIS FALL!
Off-screen voice: WE'LL MAKE THE FOOD?
Another voice: THAT'S AN ARGUMENT! CAMERA! ARE YOU RECORDING?!
Panel 12 (caption): JUST BEFORE THINGS REACHED A DYSTOPIC CLIMAX, TECHNOLOGY SAVED THE DAY.
Narrator: THIS CHIP APPLIES ELECTRICITY DIRECTLY TO THE AMYGDALA!
Panel 13 (caption): NOW WE JUST WATCH EACH OTHER WATCHING: THE HARDER LIFE WE WERE FIGHTING, JUST A BIT.
Figure: THIS IS EXHAUSTING.
Panel 14 (caption): IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
(A skeleton lies on the ground.)
Votey:
Text: FINALLY, A HAPPY ENDING!
(A drawing of a person's face, smiling faintly.)
Narrator: WE WILL PUT TWENTY PEOPLE ON AN ISLAND AND MAKE THEM COMPETE IN PHYSICAL CHALLENGES TO WIN BIG MONEY!
Panel 2 (caption): WRITERS AND PHILOSOPHERS PREDICTED A DYSTOPIC FUTURE.
Woman: SOON, WE'LL BE WATCHING FIGHTS TO THE DEATH FOR PRIZES. THAT'S WHERE THIS INEVITABLY GOES.
Panel 3 (caption): THEY WERE WRONG.
Narrator: ACCORDING TO THE SURVEY, PEOPLE LIKED WHEN MONEY WENT TO CHALLENGE-WINNERS, BUT LOVED WHEN WEATHER HAD ROB SQUABBLED OVER A SINGLE OREO.
Panel 4 (caption): WE THOUGHT IT WAS A CONSCIENCE.
Woman: SURELY PEOPLE WANT HIGH DRAMA, NOT PETTY SQUABBLING.
Panel 5 (caption): WE WERE WRONG.
Narrator: SEE HERE WHERE THEY FOUGHT OVER WHETHER THEY FOUGHT? PEOPLE ON OTHER CHANNELS SOMEHOW SENSED IT AND CHANGE OVER TO OUR LIVE FEED!
Panel 6 (caption): WE WERE ABSOLUTELY WRONG.
Narrator: THINK ABOUT IT! MOST PEOPLE DON'T REMEMBER WHO KILLED HAMLET AFTER HE ACHIEVED A MEASURE OF CLARITY. BUT EVERYONE REMEMBERS HOW HE HAD A BIG FIGHT WITH HIS MOM OVER WHO SHE WAS SCREWING!
Panel 7 (caption): REALITY SHOWS WERE PARED DOWN MORE AND MORE.
Narrator: IN THIS EPISODE OF 'AMUSING HUMANS', WE WATCH TWO CHILDREN ARGUE OVER A CACK OF GUMMY WORMS.
Panel 8 (caption): THIS WAS NOT A CHANGE IN CULTURE. IT WAS A DISCOVERY.
Woman: PEOPLE ALWAYS SPENT 10% OF THEIR TIME ON POINTLESS NONSENSE. IT'S ONLY NOW THAT VIDEO EDITING IS CHEAP THAT WE CAN CONDENSE IT. YOU SEE? THIS IS THE ANIMAL EQUIVALENT TO THE DISCOVERY OF REFINED SUGAR.
Panel 9 (caption): THIS LED TO A NEW PROBLEM.
Narrator: IT USED TO BE THAT YOU COULD FILM TEN HOURS OF FOOTAGE AND GET THIRTY MINUTES OF AMUSING BEHAVIOR. BUT PEOPLE ARE SPENDING MORE TIME WATCHING REALITY TV ALONE NOW! SO YOU ONLY GET ABOUT FIVE MINUTES OF AMUSING BEHAVIOR FOR THE SAME HOUR.
Panel 10 (caption): A SOCIOLOGICAL LAW WAS DISCOVERED.
Man: THE MORE REALITY TV YOU MAKE, THE HARDER IT IS TO MAKE REALITY TV.
Panel 11 (caption): EVER MORE RESOURCES WERE SPENT ON VIDEO PRODUCTION.
Man: IF WE HIRE THREE CAMERA AT HUMAN HOME ALL THE TIME, WE CAN STILL PRODUCE A FULL LINEUP THIS FALL!
Off-screen voice: WE'LL MAKE THE FOOD?
Another voice: THAT'S AN ARGUMENT! CAMERA! ARE YOU RECORDING?!
Panel 12 (caption): JUST BEFORE THINGS REACHED A DYSTOPIC CLIMAX, TECHNOLOGY SAVED THE DAY.
Narrator: THIS CHIP APPLIES ELECTRICITY DIRECTLY TO THE AMYGDALA!
Panel 13 (caption): NOW WE JUST WATCH EACH OTHER WATCHING: THE HARDER LIFE WE WERE FIGHTING, JUST A BIT.
Figure: THIS IS EXHAUSTING.
Panel 14 (caption): IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
(A skeleton lies on the ground.)
Votey:
Text: FINALLY, A HAPPY ENDING!
(A drawing of a person's face, smiling faintly.)
Alt text
A tall, multi-panel SMBC comic narrating the history of reality TV as a series of failed predictions, each panel headed by a red caption. Panel 1, 'EARLY REALITY TV WAS COMPLICATED AND EXPENSIVE': a TV host announces putting twenty people on an island to compete for big money. Panel 2, 'WRITERS AND PHILOSOPHERS PREDICTED A DYSTOPIC FUTURE': a worried woman predicts it will inevitably become fights to the death for prizes. Panel 3, 'THEY WERE WRONG': a survey reveals people actually loved watching contestants squabble over a single Oreo, not big challenges. Panel 4, 'WE THOUGHT IT WAS A CONSCIENCE': a woman insists people want high drama, not petty squabbling. Panel 5, 'WE WERE WRONG': viewers on other channels sensed and switched to a live feed of contestants fighting about whether they were fighting. Panel 6, 'WE WERE ABSOLUTELY WRONG': narration notes everyone remembers Hamlet's fight with his mom about who she was sleeping with, not his philosophical clarity. Panel 7, 'REALITY SHOWS WERE PARED DOWN MORE AND MORE': a show called 'Amusing Humans' just shows two children arguing over gummy worms. Panel 8, 'THIS WAS NOT A CHANGE IN CULTURE. IT WAS A DISCOVERY': a woman explains cheap video editing lets producers condense the 10% of pointless human nonsense, like the animal equivalent of discovering refined sugar. Panel 9, 'THIS LED TO A NEW PROBLEM': as people watch reality TV alone, they produce less amusing behavior per hour to film. Panel 10, 'A SOCIOLOGICAL LAW WAS DISCOVERED': a man states the more reality TV you make, the harder it is to make reality TV. Panel 11, 'EVER MORE RESOURCES WERE SPENT ON VIDEO PRODUCTION': people argue over filming each other's home, the meta-argument itself becoming content. Panel 12, 'JUST BEFORE THINGS REACHED A DYSTOPIC CLIMAX, TECHNOLOGY SAVED THE DAY': a chip is shown that applies electricity directly to the amygdala. Panel 13, 'NOW WE JUST WATCH EACH OTHER WATCHING': a slumped figure says 'THIS IS EXHAUSTING.' Final panel, 'IT'S BETTER THIS WAY': a skeleton lies on the ground, implying everyone watched themselves until death. Votey (bonus panel): a hand-drawn smiling face with the caption 'FINALLY, A HAPPY ENDING!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.