2014-12-17
Original: 2014-12-17 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Caption: In the future, you can auto-tune the content of your conversation to sound smarter.
Device screen reads: PROCESSING...
Man (with earpiece): I once found a marble in my ear.
Auto-tuned output: Ezra Pound had a marvelous career.
Panel 2:
Caption: At first people didn't like it. Of course.
Woman: Stop that! David Hume can't know for a fact that we are barely literate!
Panel 3:
Caption: But eventually culture made it mandatory.
Man: I loathe conversing with okay, fine I'll buy the damn untoward individuals! I feel like Socrates in the Lyceum! thing!
Panel 4:
Caption: As the machines improved, it became less and less necessary for humans to use language.
Woman (thinking/headset): True wit is nature to advantage dressed, what oft was thought but ne'er so well expressed.
Panel 5:
Caption: Over evolutionary time, language was lost.
Man: Good day, sir.
Woman: And to you, madame.
(small mumbled sounds: "bmpfh", "erglhh")
Panel 6:
Caption: The auto-tuners began to transmit information that was more interesting to them.
Man (headset/robot voice): Do you know R2#%!! is on 082-24.1?
Other: I will inform 04.10.
Panel 7:
Caption: Humans are now just cheap information-transfer systems for robotic minds.
Voice: It's not important. Send via merman.
Panel 8:
Caption: Earth is now a single mechanical brain, run internally by humans called "cells."
Panel 9 (final):
Caption: Which, for a megamind, is a pretty raw deal.
Planet Earth (as patient): Doc, I have a pain down here.
Other: I'm sorry. It appears that your daughter-cells are uncontrollably reproducing.
Votey:
A doctor figure: I prescribe one gamma ray burst.
Caption: In the future, you can auto-tune the content of your conversation to sound smarter.
Device screen reads: PROCESSING...
Man (with earpiece): I once found a marble in my ear.
Auto-tuned output: Ezra Pound had a marvelous career.
Panel 2:
Caption: At first people didn't like it. Of course.
Woman: Stop that! David Hume can't know for a fact that we are barely literate!
Panel 3:
Caption: But eventually culture made it mandatory.
Man: I loathe conversing with okay, fine I'll buy the damn untoward individuals! I feel like Socrates in the Lyceum! thing!
Panel 4:
Caption: As the machines improved, it became less and less necessary for humans to use language.
Woman (thinking/headset): True wit is nature to advantage dressed, what oft was thought but ne'er so well expressed.
Panel 5:
Caption: Over evolutionary time, language was lost.
Man: Good day, sir.
Woman: And to you, madame.
(small mumbled sounds: "bmpfh", "erglhh")
Panel 6:
Caption: The auto-tuners began to transmit information that was more interesting to them.
Man (headset/robot voice): Do you know R2#%!! is on 082-24.1?
Other: I will inform 04.10.
Panel 7:
Caption: Humans are now just cheap information-transfer systems for robotic minds.
Voice: It's not important. Send via merman.
Panel 8:
Caption: Earth is now a single mechanical brain, run internally by humans called "cells."
Panel 9 (final):
Caption: Which, for a megamind, is a pretty raw deal.
Planet Earth (as patient): Doc, I have a pain down here.
Other: I'm sorry. It appears that your daughter-cells are uncontrollably reproducing.
Votey:
A doctor figure: I prescribe one gamma ray burst.
Alt text
A tall nine-panel SMBC comic about auto-tuned conversation. Panel 1 caption: "In the future, you can auto-tune the content of your conversation to sound smarter." A man with an earpiece speaks into a device whose screen reads PROCESSING; his words "I once found a marble in my ear" come out as the eloquent "Ezra Pound had a marvelous career." Panel 2 ("At first people didn't like it. Of course."): a woman protests "Stop that! David Hume can't know for a fact that we are barely literate!" Panel 3 ("But eventually culture made it mandatory"): a man's plain complaint is overlaid with flowery auto-tuned phrasing referencing Socrates in the Lyceum. Panel 4 ("As the machines improved, it became less and less necessary for humans to use language"): a woman emits a polished Alexander Pope quote about wit. Panel 5 ("Over evolutionary time, language was lost"): two people exchange "Good day, sir" / "And to you, madame" while actually only mumbling. Panel 6 ("The auto-tuners began to transmit information that was more interesting to them"): the headsets trade machine codes and numbers. Panel 7 ("Humans are now just cheap information-transfer systems for robotic minds"): a robot eye and a voice saying "It's not important. Send via merman." Panel 8 ("Earth is now a single mechanical brain, run internally by humans called 'cells'"): an image of the planet Earth. Final panel ("Which, for a megamind, is a pretty raw deal"): the Earth, as a patient, says "Doc, I have a pain down here," and a doctor replies that its daughter-cells are uncontrollably reproducing (cancer). Votey: a simple line-drawn doctor leaning back, saying "I prescribe one gamma ray burst."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.