2014-12-15
Original: 2014-12-15 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: The Lord appeared to Cain, Abel, and Bob.
The Lord (a glowing sun face): Gimme somethin' good!
Panel 2:
Narration: Abel brought meat. Cain brought vegetables.
The Lord: I loooove barbecue!
Panel 3:
Narration: Cain envied Abel, and slew him.
The Lord: Dudes, what the hell?!
Cain: In retrospect, I may have overreacted.
Panel 4:
Narration: Abel was dead and Cain was cast out.
Panel 5:
Narration: Bob arrived late and gave an inexpensive fruit basket he'd gotten from a friend.
The Lord: Happy whatever, man.
Panel 6:
Narration: Bob had removed the chocolate and cookies, but left the dried fruit and peanuts.
Bob: Did someone open this already?
The Lord: I think that's just how they make them.
Panel 7:
Narration: Things had gone so badly with Cain and Abel that God let it slide.
The Lord: Uh fine, I'm gonna go be the ancestor of all future humans.
Panel 8:
Narration: This passage was later removed from the Bible.
The Lord: Agreed. We leave Bob out and we leave out all the commandments about being nice to women.
Panel 9:
Narration: Western philosophy has never recovered.
A man at a table: What is the nature of man?
Another man: Weirdness!
A third man: Righteousness!
A fourth man: Certainly not pettiness!
Votey:
The Lord (a glowing sun face): Who the fuck makes these things?
(Below: a drawing of an egg-shaped fruit and a candy-corn-shaped object.)
Narration: The Lord appeared to Cain, Abel, and Bob.
The Lord (a glowing sun face): Gimme somethin' good!
Panel 2:
Narration: Abel brought meat. Cain brought vegetables.
The Lord: I loooove barbecue!
Panel 3:
Narration: Cain envied Abel, and slew him.
The Lord: Dudes, what the hell?!
Cain: In retrospect, I may have overreacted.
Panel 4:
Narration: Abel was dead and Cain was cast out.
Panel 5:
Narration: Bob arrived late and gave an inexpensive fruit basket he'd gotten from a friend.
The Lord: Happy whatever, man.
Panel 6:
Narration: Bob had removed the chocolate and cookies, but left the dried fruit and peanuts.
Bob: Did someone open this already?
The Lord: I think that's just how they make them.
Panel 7:
Narration: Things had gone so badly with Cain and Abel that God let it slide.
The Lord: Uh fine, I'm gonna go be the ancestor of all future humans.
Panel 8:
Narration: This passage was later removed from the Bible.
The Lord: Agreed. We leave Bob out and we leave out all the commandments about being nice to women.
Panel 9:
Narration: Western philosophy has never recovered.
A man at a table: What is the nature of man?
Another man: Weirdness!
A third man: Righteousness!
A fourth man: Certainly not pettiness!
Votey:
The Lord (a glowing sun face): Who the fuck makes these things?
(Below: a drawing of an egg-shaped fruit and a candy-corn-shaped object.)
Alt text
A tall black-bordered SMBC comic retelling the Cain and Abel story with an added character named Bob. God is drawn as a glowing yellow sun face. Panel 1: The Lord appears to Cain, Abel, and Bob, saying "Gimme somethin' good!" Panel 2: Abel brought meat, Cain brought vegetables; the Lord says "I loooove barbecue!" Panel 3: A red-bearded man (Cain) envies and slays Abel; the Lord says "Dudes, what the hell?!" and Cain replies "In retrospect, I may have overreacted." Panel 4: A barren landscape; Abel is dead and Cain cast out. Panel 5: A bearded man (Bob) arrives late with a cheap regifted fruit basket; the Lord says "Happy whatever, man." Panel 6: Bob had removed the chocolate and cookies but left the dried fruit and peanuts; Bob asks "Did someone open this already?" and the Lord answers "I think that's just how they make them." Panel 7: God lets it slide and declares he'll go be the ancestor of all future humans. Panel 8: This passage was later removed from the Bible; the Lord agrees to leave Bob out and omit all the commandments about being nice to women. Panel 9: Western philosophy has never recovered, shown as silhouetted men debating at a table, answering "What is the nature of man?" with "Weirdness!", "Righteousness!", and "Certainly not pettiness!" Votey: A single panel showing the glowing sun-faced Lord saying "Who the fuck makes these things?" while looking at a drawing of an egg-shaped fruit and a candy-corn-shaped object.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.