2014-11-18
Original: 2014-11-18 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: IN THE FUTURE, ROBOTS DO MOST JOBS.
Man 1: HOW LONG DID YOU THINK SECRETLY BROWSING THE INTERNET FOR SEVEN HOURS?
Man 2 (seated): ...YEAH.
Man 1: WE FOUND A MACHINE THAT CAN DO THAT.
Panel 2:
Narration: WEALTH IS ENORMOUS, BUT IN FEW HANDS.
(A man stands at a chalkboard showing the equation: k / 0 = W_t)
Narration: TO ESTIMATE THE WEALTH HELD BY THE TOP .0% OF EARNERS, SIMPLY TAKE ANY NUMBER AND DIVIDE BY ZERO.
Panel 3:
Narration: IN ORDER TO SURVIVE, HUMANS MUST DO JOBS THAT ONLY HUMANS CAN DO.
Man: I'M FIRING YOU BECAUSE ROBOTS DON'T NEED PATERNITY LEAVE. BUT, I'M HIRING YOU TO REASSURE ME THAT FIRING YOU WAS ETHICAL.
Panel 4:
Narration: MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY BECAME THE OCCUPATION OF MOST CITIZENS.
(A spotlit performer on a stage holds up a sign reading something illegible.)
Panel 5:
Narration: BUT, THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY WAS TO HAVE AN INFERIOR LIFE.
Man (seated): HEY, BOB. I'M FEELING BAD ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.
Bob (standing): NO PROBLEM, SIR! I'LL GO YELL AT MY WIFE IN YOUR PRESENCE!
Panel 6:
Narration: ALL BUT A FEW CITIZENS BECAME PROFESSIONAL SUFFERERS. EACH PERSON WAS WORSE OFF THAN THE LAST, WHICH MADE EVERYONE FEEL GREAT, EXCEPT FOR THE PERSON AT THE END OF THE CHAIN.
Person 1: I LIVE IN A CRAPPY APARTMENT.
Person 2: I LIVE IN A DUMPSTER.
Person 3: I TIMESHARE A DUMPSTER.
Panel 7:
Narration: ONE DAY, THE PEOPLE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SUFFERING PYRAMID REVOLTED.
Man (raising fist): WE WILL NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE, UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE SUFFERS IN EVEN MORE SILENCE!!
Panel 8:
Narration: A SOLUTION WAS CREATED.
Narration: WE WILL TAKE A SMALL NUMBER OF ESPECIALLY PATHETIC PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM SUFFER PUBLICLY FOR THE HEROIC ACT, THEY WILL BE COMPENSATED FINANCIALLY.
Panel 9:
Narration: BUT THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.
Woman (on a TV screen, smiling): NEXT ON IT'S ALCOHOLIC BINGES, SEASON 12!
Votey:
A man with a big grin: SEASON 11 WAS SOOOO ALCOHOLIC!
Narration: IN THE FUTURE, ROBOTS DO MOST JOBS.
Man 1: HOW LONG DID YOU THINK SECRETLY BROWSING THE INTERNET FOR SEVEN HOURS?
Man 2 (seated): ...YEAH.
Man 1: WE FOUND A MACHINE THAT CAN DO THAT.
Panel 2:
Narration: WEALTH IS ENORMOUS, BUT IN FEW HANDS.
(A man stands at a chalkboard showing the equation: k / 0 = W_t)
Narration: TO ESTIMATE THE WEALTH HELD BY THE TOP .0% OF EARNERS, SIMPLY TAKE ANY NUMBER AND DIVIDE BY ZERO.
Panel 3:
Narration: IN ORDER TO SURVIVE, HUMANS MUST DO JOBS THAT ONLY HUMANS CAN DO.
Man: I'M FIRING YOU BECAUSE ROBOTS DON'T NEED PATERNITY LEAVE. BUT, I'M HIRING YOU TO REASSURE ME THAT FIRING YOU WAS ETHICAL.
Panel 4:
Narration: MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY BECAME THE OCCUPATION OF MOST CITIZENS.
(A spotlit performer on a stage holds up a sign reading something illegible.)
Panel 5:
Narration: BUT, THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY WAS TO HAVE AN INFERIOR LIFE.
Man (seated): HEY, BOB. I'M FEELING BAD ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.
Bob (standing): NO PROBLEM, SIR! I'LL GO YELL AT MY WIFE IN YOUR PRESENCE!
Panel 6:
Narration: ALL BUT A FEW CITIZENS BECAME PROFESSIONAL SUFFERERS. EACH PERSON WAS WORSE OFF THAN THE LAST, WHICH MADE EVERYONE FEEL GREAT, EXCEPT FOR THE PERSON AT THE END OF THE CHAIN.
Person 1: I LIVE IN A CRAPPY APARTMENT.
Person 2: I LIVE IN A DUMPSTER.
Person 3: I TIMESHARE A DUMPSTER.
Panel 7:
Narration: ONE DAY, THE PEOPLE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SUFFERING PYRAMID REVOLTED.
Man (raising fist): WE WILL NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE, UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE SUFFERS IN EVEN MORE SILENCE!!
Panel 8:
Narration: A SOLUTION WAS CREATED.
Narration: WE WILL TAKE A SMALL NUMBER OF ESPECIALLY PATHETIC PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM SUFFER PUBLICLY FOR THE HEROIC ACT, THEY WILL BE COMPENSATED FINANCIALLY.
Panel 9:
Narration: BUT THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.
Woman (on a TV screen, smiling): NEXT ON IT'S ALCOHOLIC BINGES, SEASON 12!
Votey:
A man with a big grin: SEASON 11 WAS SOOOO ALCOHOLIC!
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic narrating a satirical future history of an automated economy, with red narration boxes above each scene. Panel 1: A standing man tells a seated worker, 'How long did you think secretly browsing the internet for seven hours? ...Yeah. We found a machine that can do that.' Caption: in the future, robots do most jobs. Panel 2: A man at a chalkboard writes the equation k divided by 0 equals W-sub-t; caption explains that to estimate the wealth of the top fraction of a percent, just take any number and divide by zero. Panel 3: A boss says he is firing an employee because robots don't need paternity leave, but is hiring him to reassure the boss that the firing was ethical; caption: humans must do jobs only humans can do. Panel 4: A lone performer stands in a spotlight on a dark stage holding up a small sign; caption: making people happy became the occupation of most citizens. Panel 5: A seated man says he feels bad about his marriage, and a standing servant cheerfully offers to go yell at his own wife in the man's presence; caption: the most efficient way to make someone happy was to have an inferior life. Panel 6: Three people each one-up the other in misery: 'I live in a crappy apartment,' 'I live in a dumpster,' 'I timeshare a dumpster'; caption: almost everyone became a professional sufferer, each worse off than the last. Panel 7: A man raises his fist and declares, 'We will not suffer in silence, unless someone else suffers in even more silence'; caption: the people at the bottom revolted. Panel 8: Caption describes the solution: take a small number of especially pathetic people, make them suffer publicly as a heroic act, and compensate them financially. Panel 9: A smiling woman appears on a TV screen announcing, 'Next on It's Alcoholic Binges, Season 12!'; caption: but then you already know that. Votey: A grinning man exclaims, 'Season 11 was soooo alcoholic!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.