2014-08-14
Original: 2014-08-14 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman with red hair (excited): EXCUSE ME. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN THE SPIRIT REALM?
Man with flame-like blond hair (skeptical): BAH!
Woman: THERE AREN'T ANY GHOSTS. EVOLUTION PROVES IT.
Panel 2:
Woman: HUMANS HAVE LONG LIFESPANS BECAUSE OUR GRANDPARENTS HELP NURTURE CHILDREN. BUT, IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF LIVING, GRANDPARENTS DIED AND THEN NURTURED FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. THEY WOULDN'T NEED FOOD, OR SHELTER OR ANYTHING.
Panel 3:
Woman: YOU'D WANT GRANDPARENTS TO DIE QUICKLY SO THEY COULD START LOW-COST NURTURING. YOU'D ALSO WANT SHORTER AND SHORTER GENERATION TIMES, SO YOU COULD RACK UP A CRAPLOAD OF GRANDMAS FASTER THAN SOME OTHER TRIBE.
Panel 4:
Woman: PARENTS WOULD CEASE TO DO CHILDCARE, BECAUSE THERE'D BE A FREE DEAD RELATIVE OFFICARE SYSTEM. SO, BABIES WOULD HAVE NO NEED TO BE CUTE, AND WOULD THUS BECOME MORE AND MORE ANNOYING AND UGLY.
Panel 5:
Woman: SLOWLY BUT SURELY, HUMANS WOULD NEED AND WANT EACH OTHER LESS AND LESS. WE'D EVOLVE TO BE MORE SOLITARY, MATING QUICKLY THEN LEAVING OUR BABIES TO BE RAISED BY THEIR MORE SOCIAL ANCESTORS.
Panel 6:
Woman: WITH EACH GENERATION, LIVING HUMANS WOULD BECOME LESS AND LESS SOCIAL. LANGUAGE WOULD NO LONGER BE NECESSARY. IN TIME, CONSCIOUSNESS WOULD GO AWAY TOO.
Panel 7:
Woman: FINALLY WE'D BE SO INHUMAN TO LEAVE BEHIND GHOSTS. HUMANS WOULD JUST BE SOLITARY BEASTS. THAT A LONG LINE OF DEAD GHOSTS LOOK UPON WITH DISDAIN AND CONFUSION.
Panel 8:
Woman: MOST PEOPLE JUST SAY "NO THANKS."
Man in suit (annoyed, thinking): THOSE PEOPLE NEED TO GET EDUCATED!
Votey:
A close-up of an angry face: THIS IS BIO 101, MAN!
Woman with red hair (excited): EXCUSE ME. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN THE SPIRIT REALM?
Man with flame-like blond hair (skeptical): BAH!
Woman: THERE AREN'T ANY GHOSTS. EVOLUTION PROVES IT.
Panel 2:
Woman: HUMANS HAVE LONG LIFESPANS BECAUSE OUR GRANDPARENTS HELP NURTURE CHILDREN. BUT, IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF LIVING, GRANDPARENTS DIED AND THEN NURTURED FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. THEY WOULDN'T NEED FOOD, OR SHELTER OR ANYTHING.
Panel 3:
Woman: YOU'D WANT GRANDPARENTS TO DIE QUICKLY SO THEY COULD START LOW-COST NURTURING. YOU'D ALSO WANT SHORTER AND SHORTER GENERATION TIMES, SO YOU COULD RACK UP A CRAPLOAD OF GRANDMAS FASTER THAN SOME OTHER TRIBE.
Panel 4:
Woman: PARENTS WOULD CEASE TO DO CHILDCARE, BECAUSE THERE'D BE A FREE DEAD RELATIVE OFFICARE SYSTEM. SO, BABIES WOULD HAVE NO NEED TO BE CUTE, AND WOULD THUS BECOME MORE AND MORE ANNOYING AND UGLY.
Panel 5:
Woman: SLOWLY BUT SURELY, HUMANS WOULD NEED AND WANT EACH OTHER LESS AND LESS. WE'D EVOLVE TO BE MORE SOLITARY, MATING QUICKLY THEN LEAVING OUR BABIES TO BE RAISED BY THEIR MORE SOCIAL ANCESTORS.
Panel 6:
Woman: WITH EACH GENERATION, LIVING HUMANS WOULD BECOME LESS AND LESS SOCIAL. LANGUAGE WOULD NO LONGER BE NECESSARY. IN TIME, CONSCIOUSNESS WOULD GO AWAY TOO.
Panel 7:
Woman: FINALLY WE'D BE SO INHUMAN TO LEAVE BEHIND GHOSTS. HUMANS WOULD JUST BE SOLITARY BEASTS. THAT A LONG LINE OF DEAD GHOSTS LOOK UPON WITH DISDAIN AND CONFUSION.
Panel 8:
Woman: MOST PEOPLE JUST SAY "NO THANKS."
Man in suit (annoyed, thinking): THOSE PEOPLE NEED TO GET EDUCATED!
Votey:
A close-up of an angry face: THIS IS BIO 101, MAN!
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A red-haired woman doorsteps a skeptical blond man, asking, "Excuse me. Can I interest you in the spirit realm?" He scoffs, "Bah!" She replies, "There aren't any ghosts. Evolution proves it," then launches into a long evolutionary thought experiment across the remaining panels: humans have long lifespans because grandparents help nurture children, but if grandparents instead nurtured from beyond the grave as ghosts, they'd need no food or shelter, so evolution would favor grandparents dying quickly and ever-shorter generation times to stack up more dead 'grandma' helpers. Parents would stop doing childcare thanks to a free dead-relative daycare system, so babies would no longer need to be cute and would become uglier and more annoying. Living humans would need each other less, become more solitary, mate quickly and abandon their babies to be raised by their more social dead ancestors. With each generation living humans grow less social until language and then consciousness vanish, leaving solitary beasts that a long line of dead ghosts regard with disdain and confusion. She concludes that most people, when offered the spirit realm, just say "No thanks." A man in a suit thinks angrily, "Those people need to get educated!" Votey: a tight close-up of a furious face shouting, "THIS IS BIO 101, MAN!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.