2014-01-20
Original: 2014-01-20 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Caption: WE WANTED TO KNOW IF TIME TRAVEL OCCURS.
Woman: WHAT IF WE THREW A TIME TRAVELER PARTY?
Caption: IT DIDN'T WORK.
(A man sits alone at a table in an empty room.)
Caption: WE REALIZED THE PROBLEM.
Man: IN ALL OF TIME THERE WILL BE MANY PARTIES. A TIME TRAVELER WOULD ONLY GO TO THE BEST PARTY IN HISTORY.
Caption: WE TRIED TO FUNDRAISE FOR THE BEST PARTY IN HISTORY, BUT IT DIDN'T GO WELL.
Woman (at a door): EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN YOU SPARE A DOLLAR SO I CAN SERVE HORS D'OEUVRES?
Man: LIKE... REALLY GOOD HORS D'OEUVRES?
Caption: THEN WE HAD A GREAT IDEA.
Man: HELLO FOREIGN GOVERNMENT! WOULD YOU BE CONCERNED IF TIME TRAVELERS CAME TO SOME OTHER NATION INSTEAD OF ALL OF THEIR TECHNOLOGY? OR WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE US MONEY TO HOLD YOUR PARTY IN YOUR COUNTRY?
Caption: A BIDDING WAR ENSUED.
Woman: CHINA IS OFFERING A STADIUM MADE ENTIRELY OF PANDAS. THE E.U. IS OFFERING IRELAND, PORTUGAL, AND A CHUNK OF GERMANY SHAPED LIKE A SMILEY FACE. THE U.S.A. IS OFFERING A 50th GUN SALUTE.
Caption: WE REACHED A COMPROMISE.
Woman (at podium): WE HAVE DECIDED TO DRAIN THE WEALTH OF ALL NATIONS EQUALLY.
Caption: WE HELD THE GREATEST PARTY THE WORLD COULD MUSTER. EVERYTHING WAS HOSTAGED.
Woman: I'M DRINKING A "SUN AND MOON."
Man: WHAT'S THAT?
Woman: 1 PART CO2, 1 PART REGOLITH, 1 PART WOOD FROM THE TRUE CROSS.
Caption: NO TIME TRAVELERS CAME.
Man: ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?
Partygoer (in horned helmet): NOPE. I'M A VINYL CODPIECE FETISHIST.
Caption: THEIR RESOURCES AND MACHINERY USED UP, THE WORLD'S ECONOMIES CRUMBLED. ANARCHY CAME. STARVATION AND VIOLENCE FOLLOWED.
(People wander among ruins and fire.)
Caption: THEN A LIGHT APPEARED IN THE SKY.
(A bright burst of light shines over the ruined landscape.)
Caption: IT TURNS OUT TIME TRAVELERS DON'T LIKE THE KIND OF PARTY WE LIKE.
Man: ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?
Time traveler: YEP. I'M HERE WITH ALL OF MY FRIENDS TO WITNESS THE BEGINNING OF THE "MILLENNIA OF HORRORS."
Caption: TIME TRAVEL IS POSSIBLE.
Man: CAN YOU SHARE YOUR ADVANCED MACHINES AND MEDICINE WITH US?
Time traveler: WHAT? AND RUIN MY THEME PARTY?
Caption: IT JUST WON'T HELP US.
Man: EVERYONE! LOOK! THEY'RE EATING THEIR OWN CHILDREN!
Time travelers: GET PICTURES! GET PICTURES!
(The time travelers crowd around taking photos.)
Votey: A woman with a clenched, furious expression and wild hair leans in, shouting: SCREW YOUR VOTEY!
Woman: WHAT IF WE THREW A TIME TRAVELER PARTY?
Caption: IT DIDN'T WORK.
(A man sits alone at a table in an empty room.)
Caption: WE REALIZED THE PROBLEM.
Man: IN ALL OF TIME THERE WILL BE MANY PARTIES. A TIME TRAVELER WOULD ONLY GO TO THE BEST PARTY IN HISTORY.
Caption: WE TRIED TO FUNDRAISE FOR THE BEST PARTY IN HISTORY, BUT IT DIDN'T GO WELL.
Woman (at a door): EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN YOU SPARE A DOLLAR SO I CAN SERVE HORS D'OEUVRES?
Man: LIKE... REALLY GOOD HORS D'OEUVRES?
Caption: THEN WE HAD A GREAT IDEA.
Man: HELLO FOREIGN GOVERNMENT! WOULD YOU BE CONCERNED IF TIME TRAVELERS CAME TO SOME OTHER NATION INSTEAD OF ALL OF THEIR TECHNOLOGY? OR WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE US MONEY TO HOLD YOUR PARTY IN YOUR COUNTRY?
Caption: A BIDDING WAR ENSUED.
Woman: CHINA IS OFFERING A STADIUM MADE ENTIRELY OF PANDAS. THE E.U. IS OFFERING IRELAND, PORTUGAL, AND A CHUNK OF GERMANY SHAPED LIKE A SMILEY FACE. THE U.S.A. IS OFFERING A 50th GUN SALUTE.
Caption: WE REACHED A COMPROMISE.
Woman (at podium): WE HAVE DECIDED TO DRAIN THE WEALTH OF ALL NATIONS EQUALLY.
Caption: WE HELD THE GREATEST PARTY THE WORLD COULD MUSTER. EVERYTHING WAS HOSTAGED.
Woman: I'M DRINKING A "SUN AND MOON."
Man: WHAT'S THAT?
Woman: 1 PART CO2, 1 PART REGOLITH, 1 PART WOOD FROM THE TRUE CROSS.
Caption: NO TIME TRAVELERS CAME.
Man: ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?
Partygoer (in horned helmet): NOPE. I'M A VINYL CODPIECE FETISHIST.
Caption: THEIR RESOURCES AND MACHINERY USED UP, THE WORLD'S ECONOMIES CRUMBLED. ANARCHY CAME. STARVATION AND VIOLENCE FOLLOWED.
(People wander among ruins and fire.)
Caption: THEN A LIGHT APPEARED IN THE SKY.
(A bright burst of light shines over the ruined landscape.)
Caption: IT TURNS OUT TIME TRAVELERS DON'T LIKE THE KIND OF PARTY WE LIKE.
Man: ARE YOU FROM THE FUTURE?
Time traveler: YEP. I'M HERE WITH ALL OF MY FRIENDS TO WITNESS THE BEGINNING OF THE "MILLENNIA OF HORRORS."
Caption: TIME TRAVEL IS POSSIBLE.
Man: CAN YOU SHARE YOUR ADVANCED MACHINES AND MEDICINE WITH US?
Time traveler: WHAT? AND RUIN MY THEME PARTY?
Caption: IT JUST WON'T HELP US.
Man: EVERYONE! LOOK! THEY'RE EATING THEIR OWN CHILDREN!
Time travelers: GET PICTURES! GET PICTURES!
(The time travelers crowd around taking photos.)
Votey: A woman with a clenched, furious expression and wild hair leans in, shouting: SCREW YOUR VOTEY!
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic with narrative captions above each scene. A woman proposes throwing a "time traveler party" to find out if time travel exists, but no one comes. The characters reason that a time traveler would only attend the single best party in all of history, so they set out to fundraise for it. After failing at door-to-door begging for fancy hors d'oeuvres money, they pit world governments against each other in a bidding war: a woman reads offers including a stadium made entirely of pandas (China), Ireland, Portugal and a smiley-face-shaped chunk of Germany (the E.U.), and a gun salute (the U.S.A.). The nations agree to be drained of wealth equally. They throw the greatest party the world can muster, serving absurd cocktails made of CO2, lunar regolith, and wood from the True Cross, but the only attendees are mundane partygoers (one in a horned helmet calls himself a vinyl codpiece fetishist), not time travelers. With every resource spent, the world's economies collapse into anarchy, starvation, and violence, shown as people wandering burning ruins. Then a bright light appears in the sky: real time travelers finally arrive, but only to witness the catastrophe, which they call the beginning of the "Millennia of Horrors." When asked to share their advanced machines and medicine, a time traveler refuses, saying it would ruin his theme party. In the final panel a man cries that the time travelers are eating their own children, while the travelers excitedly shout "Get pictures!" The votey shows a close-up of an enraged woman with wild hair leaning in and shouting "SCREW YOUR VOTEY!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.