2013-03-31
Original: 2013-03-31 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Narration: THE BIG MONEY ON THE INTERNET WAS IN CATS.
(A man photographs a large orange cat.)
Panel 2
Narration: UNTIL KITTENS WERE DISCOVERED.
(The man photographs a small yellow kitten.)
Panel 3
Narration: FROM THERE, IT WAS A SHORT STEP TO DWARF CATS, THEN DWARF KITTENS AND HYPERDWARF NEWBORN KITTENS.
Tiny kitten: mew
(The man photographs a tiny kitten cupped in his hands.)
Panel 4
Narration: A NEW BRANCH OF MINIATURIZATION BECAME HIGHLY PROFITABLE.
Scientist (at podium): WE HAVE CREATED A KITTEN THE WIDTH OF A SINGLE HUMAN HAIR.
Panel 5
Narration: THE CAT PHOTO INDUSTRY WAS WILLING TO SPEND FORTUNES FOR EVER SMALLER KITTIES.
Scientist (woman with glasses): THE ESSENTIAL FEATURES OF A CAT ARE WHISKERS, MEOWS, AND PURRING. WE CAN CREATE AN ATOMIC MACHINE THAT HAS TENDRILS, EMITS SOUND WAVES, AND VIBRATES.
Panel 6
Narration: BUT THERE WAS A PROBLEM.
Scientist: WE'RE GETTING WEIRD QUANTUM EFFECTS. IF TOO MANY PLANCK-KITTENS ARE NEAR EACH OTHER, THE "PURR FREQUENCY" SHREDS LOCAL SPACETIME.
Panel 7
Narration: THE PROBLEM HAD A SOLUTION.
First speaker: CAN WE STOP MAKING THEM?
Second speaker: SURE. JUST CONVINCE THE INTERNET TO NOT LOOK AT CATS.
Bald scientist: ALL IS LOST.
Panel 8
Narration: SOME DAY, IN THE DISTANT FUTURE, ALIENS WILL FIND THE TATTERS OUR ONE-TIME HOME.
(A green alien spaceship approaches a tattered, fragmented Earth in space.)
Panel 9
Narration: AND THEY WILL NOT BE SHOCKED.
Alien 1: ANOTHER CIVILIZATION THAT CO-EVOLVED WITH CATS.
Alien 2: THERE IS NO GOD.
Votey:
A close-up of a face with large, teary, pleading eyes and a small frowning mouth, looking sad and on the verge of crying.
Narration: THE BIG MONEY ON THE INTERNET WAS IN CATS.
(A man photographs a large orange cat.)
Panel 2
Narration: UNTIL KITTENS WERE DISCOVERED.
(The man photographs a small yellow kitten.)
Panel 3
Narration: FROM THERE, IT WAS A SHORT STEP TO DWARF CATS, THEN DWARF KITTENS AND HYPERDWARF NEWBORN KITTENS.
Tiny kitten: mew
(The man photographs a tiny kitten cupped in his hands.)
Panel 4
Narration: A NEW BRANCH OF MINIATURIZATION BECAME HIGHLY PROFITABLE.
Scientist (at podium): WE HAVE CREATED A KITTEN THE WIDTH OF A SINGLE HUMAN HAIR.
Panel 5
Narration: THE CAT PHOTO INDUSTRY WAS WILLING TO SPEND FORTUNES FOR EVER SMALLER KITTIES.
Scientist (woman with glasses): THE ESSENTIAL FEATURES OF A CAT ARE WHISKERS, MEOWS, AND PURRING. WE CAN CREATE AN ATOMIC MACHINE THAT HAS TENDRILS, EMITS SOUND WAVES, AND VIBRATES.
Panel 6
Narration: BUT THERE WAS A PROBLEM.
Scientist: WE'RE GETTING WEIRD QUANTUM EFFECTS. IF TOO MANY PLANCK-KITTENS ARE NEAR EACH OTHER, THE "PURR FREQUENCY" SHREDS LOCAL SPACETIME.
Panel 7
Narration: THE PROBLEM HAD A SOLUTION.
First speaker: CAN WE STOP MAKING THEM?
Second speaker: SURE. JUST CONVINCE THE INTERNET TO NOT LOOK AT CATS.
Bald scientist: ALL IS LOST.
Panel 8
Narration: SOME DAY, IN THE DISTANT FUTURE, ALIENS WILL FIND THE TATTERS OUR ONE-TIME HOME.
(A green alien spaceship approaches a tattered, fragmented Earth in space.)
Panel 9
Narration: AND THEY WILL NOT BE SHOCKED.
Alien 1: ANOTHER CIVILIZATION THAT CO-EVOLVED WITH CATS.
Alien 2: THERE IS NO GOD.
Votey:
A close-up of a face with large, teary, pleading eyes and a small frowning mouth, looking sad and on the verge of crying.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic with orange narration banners above each panel, telling a mock history of internet cats. A man photographs progressively smaller cats: first a big orange cat ("THE BIG MONEY ON THE INTERNET WAS IN CATS"), then a tiny yellow kitten ("UNTIL KITTENS WERE DISCOVERED"), then a hyperdwarf newborn kitten that says "mew" cupped in his hands. Scientists at a podium announce ever-tinier kittens: one boasts of "A KITTEN THE WIDTH OF A SINGLE HUMAN HAIR"; a bespectacled scientist explains they build atomic machines mimicking whiskers, meows, and purring. A problem arises: too many "Planck-kittens" near each other create a "purr frequency" that shreds local spacetime. The proposed solution, to convince the internet to stop looking at cats, is hopeless; a bald scientist says "ALL IS LOST." In the final panels, a green alien spaceship approaches a shattered, tattered Earth floating in space. The aliens are not shocked: "ANOTHER CIVILIZATION THAT CO-EVOLVED WITH CATS," one says; the other replies "THERE IS NO GOD." The votey is a close-up of a sad face with huge teary eyes and a frowning mouth, looking devastated.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.