2012-03-29
Original: 2012-03-29 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Narration: STARTING UP I, HUSBAND
Man: WE NEED TO ABOUT HOW WE'RE IN LOVE IN A WAY THAT DEFIES LANGUAGES?
Panel 2:
Narration: SO, WE CREATED A SERVICE THAT SIMPLIFIED THINGS.
Device screen: "PLEASE WAIT, WE'RE PROCESSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP DATA AND DERIVING SOLUTIONS" with a progress bar. Then below: "GREAT! WE FOUND A SOLUTION! IS IT OKAY TO PROCEED?"
Panel 3:
Narration: OF COURSE, THERE WAS A BIT MORE TO IT.
(A graph/grid with curves plotted on it and an equation, e.g. f(x) = ... )
Panel 4:
Narration: THE ALGORITHM WASN'T COMPLEX BECAUSE IT NEEDED TO BE. IT WAS COMPLEX SO YOU COULD CARRY BLAME.
Woman: IT DIDN'T COMPUTE TO BE LOVE YOU FOREVER, BUT THE GRAPH SAYS IT'S NOT WORKING OUT.
Man: IT'S NOT THAT BAD!
Woman (pointing): THEN STOP CLICKING THE BUTTON.
Panel 5:
Narration: IT WORKED SO WELL WE REALIZED IT COULD BE EXTENDED IN ALL SORTS OF DIRECTIONS.
Person 1: JIMMY! LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!
Person 2: DUCCEY! LOOKS LIKE WE'RE DISOWNING YOU.
Person 3: MAU MAU! LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE TO STOP HAVING SEX.
Panel 6:
Narration: THE NET EFFECT WAS A VAST IMPROVEMENT IN HUMAN RELATIONS.
Woman: I LOVE HOW WE CAN JUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER NOW. THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO LOOK EACH OTHER IN THE EYE TO DO IT.
Panel 7:
Narration: WELL, UNTIL THE HACKERS CAME.
Man: WE'RE STILL TOGETHER? BUT I'M A GANGLY, UNATTRACTIVE ACTOR IN A FILM BASED ON YOUR FAVORITE SCIENCE FICTION BOOK? I COULD HAVE ANY WOMAN!
Votey:
A wide-eyed woman looks startled. Speech bubble: "GRAPH SAYS TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES."
Narration: STARTING UP I, HUSBAND
Man: WE NEED TO ABOUT HOW WE'RE IN LOVE IN A WAY THAT DEFIES LANGUAGES?
Panel 2:
Narration: SO, WE CREATED A SERVICE THAT SIMPLIFIED THINGS.
Device screen: "PLEASE WAIT, WE'RE PROCESSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP DATA AND DERIVING SOLUTIONS" with a progress bar. Then below: "GREAT! WE FOUND A SOLUTION! IS IT OKAY TO PROCEED?"
Panel 3:
Narration: OF COURSE, THERE WAS A BIT MORE TO IT.
(A graph/grid with curves plotted on it and an equation, e.g. f(x) = ... )
Panel 4:
Narration: THE ALGORITHM WASN'T COMPLEX BECAUSE IT NEEDED TO BE. IT WAS COMPLEX SO YOU COULD CARRY BLAME.
Woman: IT DIDN'T COMPUTE TO BE LOVE YOU FOREVER, BUT THE GRAPH SAYS IT'S NOT WORKING OUT.
Man: IT'S NOT THAT BAD!
Woman (pointing): THEN STOP CLICKING THE BUTTON.
Panel 5:
Narration: IT WORKED SO WELL WE REALIZED IT COULD BE EXTENDED IN ALL SORTS OF DIRECTIONS.
Person 1: JIMMY! LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!
Person 2: DUCCEY! LOOKS LIKE WE'RE DISOWNING YOU.
Person 3: MAU MAU! LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE TO STOP HAVING SEX.
Panel 6:
Narration: THE NET EFFECT WAS A VAST IMPROVEMENT IN HUMAN RELATIONS.
Woman: I LOVE HOW WE CAN JUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER NOW. THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO LOOK EACH OTHER IN THE EYE TO DO IT.
Panel 7:
Narration: WELL, UNTIL THE HACKERS CAME.
Man: WE'RE STILL TOGETHER? BUT I'M A GANGLY, UNATTRACTIVE ACTOR IN A FILM BASED ON YOUR FAVORITE SCIENCE FICTION BOOK? I COULD HAVE ANY WOMAN!
Votey:
A wide-eyed woman looks startled. Speech bubble: "GRAPH SAYS TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES."
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic. Panel 1, titled "Starting up I, Husband," shows a man saying the couple needs to talk about how they're in love in a way that defies language. Panel 2: "So, we created a service that simplified things" — a tablet-like device displays a progress screen processing relationship data and then announces it found a solution, asking permission to proceed. Panel 3: "Of course, there was a bit more to it" — a complicated graph covered in plotted curves and a math equation. Panel 4: narration explains the algorithm wasn't complex because it needed to be, but so users could shift the blame; a woman tells a man the graph says their relationship isn't working out, he protests "It's not that bad!", and she replies "Then stop clicking the button." Panel 5: the service is extended everywhere — three people cheerfully use it to deliver bad news, telling others they're getting fired, being disowned, and have to stop having sex. Panel 6: narration says the net effect was a vast improvement in human relations; a woman happily notes they can now be honest without looking each other in the eye. Panel 7: "Well, until the hackers came" — a man marvels that he and his partner are still together even though, per the graph's manipulated output, he's a gangly unattractive actor who could have any woman. Votey: a startled, wide-eyed woman with a speech bubble reading "Graph says take off your clothes."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.